I am never getting married. It's not even the 'marriage' part i want, so much as the really kickass party afterwards where everyone gets to dress up and you get presents.
I am depressed. I want a new dishwasher! And 14 sets of wineglasses! I want a platter that I will never use! Or a cappacino machine!
Damnit.
How long can I date this new guy before I convince him to marry me so we can get cool stuff?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Potpourri aka I lost count of the sheep
Time for another edition of:
I CAN'T SLEEP SO I WRITE RANDOM THINGS THAT I NOTICE!
-Sliders is probably the best damn show ever.
-Never take a nap at 830 at night. Unless you want to be sitting awake and alone in your depressing livingroom contemplating driving to the grocery store to buy chocolate chips in order to make some cookies which could possibly waste an hour and make the apt smell good.
-Don't drive to the grocery store at 230am unless you have your wallet.
-Don't start giggling manically when you realize that you have forgotten your wallet while standing at the cashier at 230am with $50 worth of stuff that she now has to put away. They don't like that.
-Don't decide to take your puppy for a walk at 3am. He thinks its time to play then and will not go back to sleep.
-Don't take your puppy for a walk at 3am until he is a grown, scary dog. Crackheads thrive in darkness. They have magical powers that make them stronger. And throw things.
-It's better to run when a crackhead throws something at you than yell back. They don't like that.
-When you finally realize it would be a good idea to run, make sure you have a good grip on the puppy's leash. Otherwise you trip over the damn dog and land on your head.
SO IN CONCLUSION:
Always keep ice on hand for when you accidentally fall over a damn dog and bang your head while being chased by a crackhead because you needed something to do other than bake cookies due to the fact that you forgot your wallet and didnt realize it until standing at the cashier at a ridiculous time in the morning.
I CAN'T SLEEP SO I WRITE RANDOM THINGS THAT I NOTICE!
-Sliders is probably the best damn show ever.
-Never take a nap at 830 at night. Unless you want to be sitting awake and alone in your depressing livingroom contemplating driving to the grocery store to buy chocolate chips in order to make some cookies which could possibly waste an hour and make the apt smell good.
-Don't drive to the grocery store at 230am unless you have your wallet.
-Don't start giggling manically when you realize that you have forgotten your wallet while standing at the cashier at 230am with $50 worth of stuff that she now has to put away. They don't like that.
-Don't decide to take your puppy for a walk at 3am. He thinks its time to play then and will not go back to sleep.
-Don't take your puppy for a walk at 3am until he is a grown, scary dog. Crackheads thrive in darkness. They have magical powers that make them stronger. And throw things.
-It's better to run when a crackhead throws something at you than yell back. They don't like that.
-When you finally realize it would be a good idea to run, make sure you have a good grip on the puppy's leash. Otherwise you trip over the damn dog and land on your head.
SO IN CONCLUSION:
Always keep ice on hand for when you accidentally fall over a damn dog and bang your head while being chased by a crackhead because you needed something to do other than bake cookies due to the fact that you forgot your wallet and didnt realize it until standing at the cashier at a ridiculous time in the morning.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
The Tale of Two Cities (crackhead edition).
Once upon a time in a far away land lived a beautiful princess. She lived in a mediocre apartment in a mediocre neighbourhood. This princess minded her own business and could often be found gathering flowers in the meadow and singing to the birds.
One day, the great and awesome princess smelled something funny in her hallway. Far from being racist, the princess thought it must be coming from one of the apartments that houses a family which comes from another far away land where they cook strange smelling food.
This was not to be. The smell got worse and worse as days passed and the princess often was gagging as she came home from a hard day of painting Easter Eggs. The amazing and superbly dressed princess then ran into a tiny goat who often visited an apartment across the hall from the princess. He visited there quite often to purchase illegal vegetation and manufactured substances. He told her the the dirty and nasty neighbours had a dog that had passed away.
The princess was sad to learn that. The goat finished by telling her that the disgusting and drug addicted neighbours had placed their beloved pet onto the balcony for eternal rest.
The princess then understood where the smell was coming from. She also understood that her neighbours must not be that educated in the ways of death and biology. Or febreeze.
After pondering this situation, the intelligent and frankly sexy princess contacted the owners of the building by carrier pigeon.
They immediately raced to the apartment on gallant white steeds decorated in tinsel and christmas lights and took away the poor canine in appropriate burial attire. It was black and said "Hefty" on the side.
The princess was so happy that she went to the nearest pub and celebrated with a pint of lager and eventually went home to nicer smelling hallway.
The End.
One day, the great and awesome princess smelled something funny in her hallway. Far from being racist, the princess thought it must be coming from one of the apartments that houses a family which comes from another far away land where they cook strange smelling food.
This was not to be. The smell got worse and worse as days passed and the princess often was gagging as she came home from a hard day of painting Easter Eggs. The amazing and superbly dressed princess then ran into a tiny goat who often visited an apartment across the hall from the princess. He visited there quite often to purchase illegal vegetation and manufactured substances. He told her the the dirty and nasty neighbours had a dog that had passed away.
The princess was sad to learn that. The goat finished by telling her that the disgusting and drug addicted neighbours had placed their beloved pet onto the balcony for eternal rest.
The princess then understood where the smell was coming from. She also understood that her neighbours must not be that educated in the ways of death and biology. Or febreeze.
After pondering this situation, the intelligent and frankly sexy princess contacted the owners of the building by carrier pigeon.
They immediately raced to the apartment on gallant white steeds decorated in tinsel and christmas lights and took away the poor canine in appropriate burial attire. It was black and said "Hefty" on the side.
The princess was so happy that she went to the nearest pub and celebrated with a pint of lager and eventually went home to nicer smelling hallway.
The End.
By request
The new little muffin I have been seeing has so far been perfect. I am about to wax poetic. So anyone who doesnt want to read about me mooning, I suggest you just pass along. Though knowing me this will somehow turn into a post about pudding as I digress quite often.
The only problem I am finding with him right now is his complete and utter lack of self worth. Now, it could just be a ploy for more compliments ("Oh, I wish I looked like her! Sweetie, arent her tits so much nicer than mine?"...."No. You have the greatest breasts ever. No woman's could possibly compare to the beauty that are the fat sacks housed in that very expensive bra."), or it could be an honest lack of judgement as to how great he actually is.
I find that the more you brag about yourself, your accomplishments, the less likely you are to be a decent person. Those people have a low self-esteem as well but feel the need to compensate by shoving in your face the trophy they got in Grade 7 for winning 'Best Cow'. (Cheater McFucknuts actually still has it and brought it out on occasion....).
But those who truly feel like they are not worth anything are often the ones most worth something.
It took me a long time to realize my mom was messed up and her telling me I was worthless was not entirely true.
So I am left in this odd position of how to deal with it. Do I encourage? Compliment? Or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out for himself? No one realizes anything about themselves unless they do it themselves. (Kind of like a weird Dr. Phil alcoholism).
This entire post is somewhat odd in the fact that I feel insecure about him. Here is this really amazing person and I am just plain old me. I am weird and moody and tend to get pissy about random things. So I am being an all over hypocrite by even typing this.
I like pudding.
The only problem I am finding with him right now is his complete and utter lack of self worth. Now, it could just be a ploy for more compliments ("Oh, I wish I looked like her! Sweetie, arent her tits so much nicer than mine?"...."No. You have the greatest breasts ever. No woman's could possibly compare to the beauty that are the fat sacks housed in that very expensive bra."), or it could be an honest lack of judgement as to how great he actually is.
I find that the more you brag about yourself, your accomplishments, the less likely you are to be a decent person. Those people have a low self-esteem as well but feel the need to compensate by shoving in your face the trophy they got in Grade 7 for winning 'Best Cow'. (Cheater McFucknuts actually still has it and brought it out on occasion....).
But those who truly feel like they are not worth anything are often the ones most worth something.
It took me a long time to realize my mom was messed up and her telling me I was worthless was not entirely true.
So I am left in this odd position of how to deal with it. Do I encourage? Compliment? Or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out for himself? No one realizes anything about themselves unless they do it themselves. (Kind of like a weird Dr. Phil alcoholism).
This entire post is somewhat odd in the fact that I feel insecure about him. Here is this really amazing person and I am just plain old me. I am weird and moody and tend to get pissy about random things. So I am being an all over hypocrite by even typing this.
I like pudding.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
JINX!
Its going to happen...
I need to stop talking about this guy. How awesome he is and such. Past history confirms when I talk about it, something horrible goes wrong. And he is just too perfect for words right now. We both love hawaiian pizza. Its either love or God is playing a really mean joke on me. Like that time God asked me why the chicken crossed the road and I said :"To get to the other side!". He laughed and then killed all the chickens in the world. It was a mean joke. I like chicken.
I got a new cell phone! Which is exciting enough except THIS cell phone I want to make sweet. sweet love to. I want to have its babies. I want to marry this thing and grow old together. It does everything! It wakes me up when I want it to and it calls people and sends messages and it plays songs and makes tea and pancakes in the morning! It turned off the bathroom light when I forgot! It folded my laundry!!
I only had to sell my soul to Bell for another 3 year contract. Or a 2 year contract. I am not entirely sure. I kind of ignored that part. The cell was shiny you see and full of magical lights.
I need to stop talking about this guy. How awesome he is and such. Past history confirms when I talk about it, something horrible goes wrong. And he is just too perfect for words right now. We both love hawaiian pizza. Its either love or God is playing a really mean joke on me. Like that time God asked me why the chicken crossed the road and I said :"To get to the other side!". He laughed and then killed all the chickens in the world. It was a mean joke. I like chicken.
I got a new cell phone! Which is exciting enough except THIS cell phone I want to make sweet. sweet love to. I want to have its babies. I want to marry this thing and grow old together. It does everything! It wakes me up when I want it to and it calls people and sends messages and it plays songs and makes tea and pancakes in the morning! It turned off the bathroom light when I forgot! It folded my laundry!!
I only had to sell my soul to Bell for another 3 year contract. Or a 2 year contract. I am not entirely sure. I kind of ignored that part. The cell was shiny you see and full of magical lights.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Hey! Wow! Umm...Yay!
He showed up! AND we had a great time. Well, I had a great time. He may have just pretended he did because he noticed that I am one scary chickie who would kick his arse.
New problem though:
I am insecure!
And how could I not be? EVERY single guy I have ever dated has cheated on me. And not in the cool way, in the way that makes you feel small and ugly and insignificant. (See Cheater McFucknuts posts and anything..oh say....ever since I started this damn blog).
Yes I know, you've only been seeing him for a short time, just have fun and why worry?
Holy Crap! Have you people learned nothing about me? Worrying is what I do best! I took the gold in the Worry Olympics hosted by Madrid Spain back in 19 aught diggity 5.
Something that has been bothering me lately:
What on Gods freaking Earth is with those toe socks? I hate those things. They look uncomfortable and they only seem to come in the colour of 'annoying stripes'. Do toe socks somehow imply that our feet must be regarded in stripe form? Does it make them look thin? Or faster? Are you cool now because I can distinguish your baby toe from your "this piggy had none" toe? Oooooh baby oooooh. Thats so sexy...Let me..take off your sock..one toe...at ......a .......time...oooooooooh yeah. You like that? You dirty girl..........
New problem though:
I am insecure!
And how could I not be? EVERY single guy I have ever dated has cheated on me. And not in the cool way, in the way that makes you feel small and ugly and insignificant. (See Cheater McFucknuts posts and anything..oh say....ever since I started this damn blog).
Yes I know, you've only been seeing him for a short time, just have fun and why worry?
Holy Crap! Have you people learned nothing about me? Worrying is what I do best! I took the gold in the Worry Olympics hosted by Madrid Spain back in 19 aught diggity 5.
Something that has been bothering me lately:
What on Gods freaking Earth is with those toe socks? I hate those things. They look uncomfortable and they only seem to come in the colour of 'annoying stripes'. Do toe socks somehow imply that our feet must be regarded in stripe form? Does it make them look thin? Or faster? Are you cool now because I can distinguish your baby toe from your "this piggy had none" toe? Oooooh baby oooooh. Thats so sexy...Let me..take off your sock..one toe...at ......a .......time...oooooooooh yeah. You like that? You dirty girl..........
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Adventures in Dating 2
So being single I did what every single girl would do. I joined a dating website. Well, in actuality I had joined it a long time ago (see post something around here where i bitched about that too) but decided to try it again.
After wading through the "easy-going and laid back" guys, after weeding out the ones with no shirts on, after ignoring the ones where they claim their interests are "hanging out" and "fun". I found someone who seemed entertaining.
Problem one: he is really young. Not like "hey wanna trade pokemon cards" young, but young enough.
Problem two: well, there wasn't one.
We chatted in the way it is supposed to go. Got to know each other and eventually made plans to meet up. He didnt show. And then after finding out there was a good reason we made plans again. And he didnt show. Okay. I am a sucker for punishment.
Long story short, i am at a loss as to how to proceed. We made plans again for tomorrow. I think I will honour those, however if he doesnt, I will jump on my horse and ride off into the sunset looking for eternal youth and a tree made out of candy.
My question is: How desparate am I for company that I am willing to put up with this? Its not just him. I seem to have a habit of giving people a second, third, fourth chance when they really dont deserve it. Am I an optimist? God no. I think I am just so damned lonely that I will accept all sorts of insults and such just to be able to think I have something worthwhile.
Is Dr. Phil doing a show on this anytime soon?
*I would like to point out that this guy is really hot. I mean holy crap, let me each sushi off of you hot. That may have something to do with it. In fact, it probably has everything to do with it. I am a sucker for the yummy guys.
After wading through the "easy-going and laid back" guys, after weeding out the ones with no shirts on, after ignoring the ones where they claim their interests are "hanging out" and "fun". I found someone who seemed entertaining.
Problem one: he is really young. Not like "hey wanna trade pokemon cards" young, but young enough.
Problem two: well, there wasn't one.
We chatted in the way it is supposed to go. Got to know each other and eventually made plans to meet up. He didnt show. And then after finding out there was a good reason we made plans again. And he didnt show. Okay. I am a sucker for punishment.
Long story short, i am at a loss as to how to proceed. We made plans again for tomorrow. I think I will honour those, however if he doesnt, I will jump on my horse and ride off into the sunset looking for eternal youth and a tree made out of candy.
My question is: How desparate am I for company that I am willing to put up with this? Its not just him. I seem to have a habit of giving people a second, third, fourth chance when they really dont deserve it. Am I an optimist? God no. I think I am just so damned lonely that I will accept all sorts of insults and such just to be able to think I have something worthwhile.
Is Dr. Phil doing a show on this anytime soon?
*I would like to point out that this guy is really hot. I mean holy crap, let me each sushi off of you hot. That may have something to do with it. In fact, it probably has everything to do with it. I am a sucker for the yummy guys.
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