These are some random things I have heard people talking about lately. Let's keep in mind I am not privy to the entire conversation, just the parts that I happened to walk in on/sit beside/ and generally overhear. I am also including things Jon and I have talked about. They tend to be weird.
-why if our city spent so much money on planting trees to keep up our image of the "Forest City", did they turn around and rip up 50 of the damn things. The reason? The were the wrong kind for the subdivisions' liking.(London has allotted something like 2 million dollars to planting trees)
-if that commercial of making kraft dinner in a hot tub would actually work.
Here's my thought on that : Go ahead and try and i will be the first to laugh at you for eating your own filth with a creamy cheese sauce.
-if masterbating to bad 'b' movies makes you a pervert. I say gratuitous nudity is still nudity. Go Team!
-"Wouldn't it be cool if someone did a bomb threat so i wouldnt have to go to work today?"
Um yeah. That would be......cool. If by cool you mean horribly scary and a complete waste of the bomb squad/firefighter/police/paramedic's time and taxpayers money. Then yeah, I guess that WOULD be cool.
-"I am on Ontario Works (welfare) and my boyfriend is on Employment Insurance. We are getting like, a LOT of money every month now. But it's because they dont know we live together. We are thinking of getting a hot tub!"
Really! Well good for you! You just sit in your hot tub and laugh at all those suckers who are working for their money and getting some pride out of it. Hot tubs and pride dont work well. I think you have to sit for 30 minutes after a good dose of pride before you can go in one.
-"Go Sens!"
"Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you a Leaf's fan?"
"Well yeah. But i want the cup to come back home to Canada"
"Hmmm. So your team sucks and you decided to jump on MY team's wagon? Does this mean next season I will not have to listen to you dissing my team and you calling me names and you making fun of me for liking the Senators?"
"Nope. I will still do that"
"Well then screw you. You have a big head and your body odour is repulsive. You smell like a Leaf's fan. It reminds me of rancid garbage and stale milk and my grama's underwear drawer"
-"That Clint Eastwood guy was really good in that 'Art of War' movie"
hmmmm. I think that was Wesley Snipes. Who is black. And younger. And bigger. And had never been in a western, ever. And their names are nothign alike. But other than that, I could see why you would get confused. I mean, they are both humans. With heads and legs and arms. And I bet they both have to eat food and drink fluids. So I supose I could see why you might have gotten the 2 of them mixed up. Common mistake really, Wesley Snipes and Clint Eastwood.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
The manner of my death
now that i am getting horribly old i think about these things. Like at 2 in the afternoon as i am driving behind some twat going 70 in a 90km/h zone.
Two of my biggest fears are water/drowning and getting into a car accident.
So i figured it out. I will die by hitting or getting hit by a milk truck. The tank ruptures and i drown in a sea of milk.
It does not do a body good in this case I would imagine.
Which i think would make how i die very ironic.
Two of my biggest fears are water/drowning and getting into a car accident.
So i figured it out. I will die by hitting or getting hit by a milk truck. The tank ruptures and i drown in a sea of milk.
It does not do a body good in this case I would imagine.
Which i think would make how i die very ironic.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Random Thoughts # i lost count
-They seriously need to bring Sliders back. Jon and I are both very upset by not only the cancellation of the show, but the fact that they ran it into the ground after Jerry O'Caonnell left. Did they really expect us to take his stupid brother seriously? How the hell, on that note, did Charlie O'Connell manage to be one of the bachelors???
Aside from that we miss it and believe that instead of coming up with new crappy shws that kind of follow the same plot, just bring it back.
-Why are brothers of famous people named Charlie? Charlie O'Connell and Charlie Murphy for example? I would be afraid to be named Charlie if i had any siblings. Its like a pre-cursor for mediocre coat tail riding
-If you are so obese that you need one of those walker things, why am i seeing you at convenience stores buying junk food? Did the walk to the store justify the calories?
-Saw an Indian guy buying those new Lays Curry flavoured chips. Another incident of me wanting to call the "Perpetuating a Stereotype" police. I am wondering, is he just not getting enough curry? Breakfast, lunch and dinner of curry just isnt enough anymore? He needs to start having it for snacks as well?
He says to himself: "Hmmm, I need a snack. I believe I am craving some curry and i dont want to wait the hour until my curry infused dinner is ready. And it has been much too long since I had my curry soaked lunch, I think i shall go to the store and purchase whatever i can find that has curry in it. Oh look! They invented chips! Oh happy day!"
I am not against curry or Indians. I just happen to live in an apt building where there are like 4 families on my floor. My hallway has a permanent smell of curry etched into the paint. I really think if i were to strip off the paint I could make some damn fine samosas.
- I am a racist.
I know, I know. That is not a good thing to admit to. Especially working where I do and doing what I do. No one wants people to know they are racist. No one should want to be racist. Saying that I should at least get credit for aknowledging that I am.
All green apples should be killed. Eradicated off this planet. They are bitter and serve no purpose other than to annoy the crap out of me. God invented these to test my patience and i am losing the battle.
Yes, that is right.
I am a Green apple racist.
Aside from that we miss it and believe that instead of coming up with new crappy shws that kind of follow the same plot, just bring it back.
-Why are brothers of famous people named Charlie? Charlie O'Connell and Charlie Murphy for example? I would be afraid to be named Charlie if i had any siblings. Its like a pre-cursor for mediocre coat tail riding
-If you are so obese that you need one of those walker things, why am i seeing you at convenience stores buying junk food? Did the walk to the store justify the calories?
-Saw an Indian guy buying those new Lays Curry flavoured chips. Another incident of me wanting to call the "Perpetuating a Stereotype" police. I am wondering, is he just not getting enough curry? Breakfast, lunch and dinner of curry just isnt enough anymore? He needs to start having it for snacks as well?
He says to himself: "Hmmm, I need a snack. I believe I am craving some curry and i dont want to wait the hour until my curry infused dinner is ready. And it has been much too long since I had my curry soaked lunch, I think i shall go to the store and purchase whatever i can find that has curry in it. Oh look! They invented chips! Oh happy day!"
I am not against curry or Indians. I just happen to live in an apt building where there are like 4 families on my floor. My hallway has a permanent smell of curry etched into the paint. I really think if i were to strip off the paint I could make some damn fine samosas.
- I am a racist.
I know, I know. That is not a good thing to admit to. Especially working where I do and doing what I do. No one wants people to know they are racist. No one should want to be racist. Saying that I should at least get credit for aknowledging that I am.
All green apples should be killed. Eradicated off this planet. They are bitter and serve no purpose other than to annoy the crap out of me. God invented these to test my patience and i am losing the battle.
Yes, that is right.
I am a Green apple racist.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Bored at work #1
Googling! This is what i did at work this weekend!
frog + bucket= Name of a pub in Manchester called The Frog and Bucket pub. Doesn't that sound yummy?
porn + carrots= www.veganporn.com. Seriously. I didnt click on because i was at work. Needless to say what one assumes about this. If the vegan is fucking a carrot or other assorted produce, isnt that the same thing as a meat eater fucking a cow? Or a sheep?
german + poo= German Poo Shelf Toilet. I think that speaks for itself. Again, funny, that was the third site offered. Oddly, the first 2 sites were in spanish..........
caramel + slippers= Daniel Green's Womens' caramel MOC slippers. Sounds yummy and comfy. I guess that would be...yumfy. Or cummy. On second thought. Ew.
bukkake + linoleum= www.metafilter.com. Words people like to say because they sound funny.
grasshopper + porn= a whole lotta shit in japanese. Somehow that wasnt surprising.
eggshell + syphilis= some medical journal shit.
Cleveland steamer + antenna= an FCC website. A government site. How........magical.
porcupine + chair= Some guy is the Vice-chair of the Porcupine Caribou Management Board. His momma must be so proud.
frog + bucket= Name of a pub in Manchester called The Frog and Bucket pub. Doesn't that sound yummy?
porn + carrots= www.veganporn.com. Seriously. I didnt click on because i was at work. Needless to say what one assumes about this. If the vegan is fucking a carrot or other assorted produce, isnt that the same thing as a meat eater fucking a cow? Or a sheep?
german + poo= German Poo Shelf Toilet. I think that speaks for itself. Again, funny, that was the third site offered. Oddly, the first 2 sites were in spanish..........
caramel + slippers= Daniel Green's Womens' caramel MOC slippers. Sounds yummy and comfy. I guess that would be...yumfy. Or cummy. On second thought. Ew.
bukkake + linoleum= www.metafilter.com. Words people like to say because they sound funny.
grasshopper + porn= a whole lotta shit in japanese. Somehow that wasnt surprising.
eggshell + syphilis= some medical journal shit.
Cleveland steamer + antenna= an FCC website. A government site. How........magical.
porcupine + chair= Some guy is the Vice-chair of the Porcupine Caribou Management Board. His momma must be so proud.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
How to amuse yourself with the torment of co-workers
1. Speak slowly and use really big words. Even if you dont know what they mean. In fact, use words incorrectly all the time. It really throws them off.
"I was just ubiquitating, what time were you done today?"
2. Make words up that sound important and use them all the time.
"What were you planning on fortunating tonight?"
3. Disappear for 10 minutes. And when you come back, act like you have been there the whole time.
"I havent been gone! I have been here the whole time! We just talked about your mom' s bday! Gawd!" Then give them a look like they are freaking nuts.
4. Throw fruit containers at them
5. Instead of taking a 30 minute break, take 6 five minute breaks. Or 10 three minute breaks. (Note, it takes me 3 minutes to smoke a cigarette). That seems to work great for me. Even when i explain that i am owed a 30, somehow it still pisses them off. Because it looks like i am trying to get out of work all the time.
6. Always take your 5 minute breaks right when something big or important has to be done.
7. Speak Kling-on
8. Start gossipping/bitching about someone and then right near the end of the rant/story, kinda trail off and get a horrified look on your face. Like you finally realized the person you were gossiping about is the same person you are talking to.
9. Tell them shit about your bosses that is completely untrue. So when they ask, they look stupid. Like its his birthday and he is turning 50. (Especially funny if they are not even 40 yet).
10. Randomly quote things that make no sense to the conversation.
"M, I need you to go to the fridge and get me some apples"
"Your mother was a hamster and your father stunk of elderberrries! Jesus was the most famous Zombie of all! Am I right ladies? Am i right......lay-dees??"
11. Thank you to Jon for this one:
When someone asks you a question you reply with:
"Are you asking random questions again? Where do babies come from?"
12. My boss is in love with this one right now. Constantly telling the other person they are weird things.
"I need a western omelette"
"You're a western omelette"
"Can someone get me a spoon?"
"You're a spoon"
13. Move shit. I dont mean like move it when you are cleaning up or whatever, I mean, if they slightly turn their head, quickly grab whatever was in front of them and move it 2 feet to the right/left.
"I was just ubiquitating, what time were you done today?"
2. Make words up that sound important and use them all the time.
"What were you planning on fortunating tonight?"
3. Disappear for 10 minutes. And when you come back, act like you have been there the whole time.
"I havent been gone! I have been here the whole time! We just talked about your mom' s bday! Gawd!" Then give them a look like they are freaking nuts.
4. Throw fruit containers at them
5. Instead of taking a 30 minute break, take 6 five minute breaks. Or 10 three minute breaks. (Note, it takes me 3 minutes to smoke a cigarette). That seems to work great for me. Even when i explain that i am owed a 30, somehow it still pisses them off. Because it looks like i am trying to get out of work all the time.
6. Always take your 5 minute breaks right when something big or important has to be done.
7. Speak Kling-on
8. Start gossipping/bitching about someone and then right near the end of the rant/story, kinda trail off and get a horrified look on your face. Like you finally realized the person you were gossiping about is the same person you are talking to.
9. Tell them shit about your bosses that is completely untrue. So when they ask, they look stupid. Like its his birthday and he is turning 50. (Especially funny if they are not even 40 yet).
10. Randomly quote things that make no sense to the conversation.
"M, I need you to go to the fridge and get me some apples"
"Your mother was a hamster and your father stunk of elderberrries! Jesus was the most famous Zombie of all! Am I right ladies? Am i right......lay-dees??"
11. Thank you to Jon for this one:
When someone asks you a question you reply with:
"Are you asking random questions again? Where do babies come from?"
12. My boss is in love with this one right now. Constantly telling the other person they are weird things.
"I need a western omelette"
"You're a western omelette"
"Can someone get me a spoon?"
"You're a spoon"
13. Move shit. I dont mean like move it when you are cleaning up or whatever, I mean, if they slightly turn their head, quickly grab whatever was in front of them and move it 2 feet to the right/left.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Conversation with my son
S: Mommy, sometimes when i am at Jessie's (babysitter) she lets me go outside. And do you know what i see on the ground Mom? Broken cd's!
M: You know that you are never ever ever pick those up or touch them right?
S: oh yeah. Cuz they are dangerous.
M: Thats right. You dont ever pick up garbage. There are lots of things that could hurt you if you touched them
S: Oh Yeah Mom! Like glass, or sharp plastic.
M: Thats right. You dont go near those. Yoo go find a grown up to clean it up
S: Hey Mom, you know what else is dangerous? That you should never ever ever pick up?
M:What honey?
S: Scorpians
M: You know that you are never ever ever pick those up or touch them right?
S: oh yeah. Cuz they are dangerous.
M: Thats right. You dont ever pick up garbage. There are lots of things that could hurt you if you touched them
S: Oh Yeah Mom! Like glass, or sharp plastic.
M: Thats right. You dont go near those. Yoo go find a grown up to clean it up
S: Hey Mom, you know what else is dangerous? That you should never ever ever pick up?
M:What honey?
S: Scorpians
I'll tell you where to put that pineapple!
So I work at a chain restaurant, still fairly small but its growing. My official title is "Fruiter". Swear to God. I am trying out other titles so if anyone has suggestions, please feel free to offer them.
There is me, N, Maggie-may, T and Sam. First off i am going to say that i love maggie-may and sam. they are awesome. Maggie-may is an older married lady who is just getting back into the workforce and is very quiet and unassuming. Sam just rocks. T is slow and anoying but that i can live with.
My problem is with N.
She is an ass-kisser. And the worst kind. She goes out of her way to get others into trouble to make herself look better. Which i wouldnt mind so much because she really DOES need to look better! She is not god at her job at all.
What bothers me is she tried to get maggie-may into trouble. This nice, sweet quiet woman who wouldnt say "Shit" if her mouth was full of it.
I have debated certain types of revenge to inact on this harpy. So far i have come up with a lot, but they all involved me getting arrested afterwards.
I hate it when people pick on the quiet ones. maggie-may is a doll! And for N to try to get her into shit just makes me want to turn green, burst out of my clothes and go Grindhouse on her.
I am finding it odd that an old flame of mine came out of the woodwork this week. He called me last night and wants me to go visit. Normally my ex's stay ex's. For good reason. I am freaking nuts. Hence them being ex's. :P But this one actually still finds me amusing. I think he has been sniffing glue. The good kind not that shit we had when we were kids. You remember the elephant kind? That looked like honey and came with the shitty red slanty top? Where you would have to jam a pencil in there to try to make the glue come out?
Yeah, not that kind.
Thing # 5 I wanted to say but didnt:
N: Oh Annie! I never noticed you cut it that way before!
Me: Well, its kinda hard to see anything with your head that far up her ass.
On the brightside, I got really pissed at N and threw a container of fruit at her. I should probably work on my interpersonal skills. I am pretty sure fruit container throwing is not on the list of acceptable reactions to a situation.
There is me, N, Maggie-may, T and Sam. First off i am going to say that i love maggie-may and sam. they are awesome. Maggie-may is an older married lady who is just getting back into the workforce and is very quiet and unassuming. Sam just rocks. T is slow and anoying but that i can live with.
My problem is with N.
She is an ass-kisser. And the worst kind. She goes out of her way to get others into trouble to make herself look better. Which i wouldnt mind so much because she really DOES need to look better! She is not god at her job at all.
What bothers me is she tried to get maggie-may into trouble. This nice, sweet quiet woman who wouldnt say "Shit" if her mouth was full of it.
I have debated certain types of revenge to inact on this harpy. So far i have come up with a lot, but they all involved me getting arrested afterwards.
I hate it when people pick on the quiet ones. maggie-may is a doll! And for N to try to get her into shit just makes me want to turn green, burst out of my clothes and go Grindhouse on her.
I am finding it odd that an old flame of mine came out of the woodwork this week. He called me last night and wants me to go visit. Normally my ex's stay ex's. For good reason. I am freaking nuts. Hence them being ex's. :P But this one actually still finds me amusing. I think he has been sniffing glue. The good kind not that shit we had when we were kids. You remember the elephant kind? That looked like honey and came with the shitty red slanty top? Where you would have to jam a pencil in there to try to make the glue come out?
Yeah, not that kind.
Thing # 5 I wanted to say but didnt:
N: Oh Annie! I never noticed you cut it that way before!
Me: Well, its kinda hard to see anything with your head that far up her ass.
On the brightside, I got really pissed at N and threw a container of fruit at her. I should probably work on my interpersonal skills. I am pretty sure fruit container throwing is not on the list of acceptable reactions to a situation.
Monday, May 7, 2007
pudding and......apples??
Update!
The guy who made me want to cover him in pudding is supposed to be calling me sometime this week for a date. Let's take bets on whether or not this happens. I am sure i am not the only girl who has been promised a call and not gotten one. Only difference is...most girls get the first date.
This yummy looking gentleman who interviewed me for the cooking job......(it was a very distracting interview. I kept picturing myself sitting on his face. Shit, I think i am depraved) is at the restaurant for 3 weeks! i thought the interview was difficult to get through! I cut myself! And all becasue he happened to look and speak while i was trying to cut an apple. oh! What a look! It was deep. It was intense. It was magnetic. I dont remember what he was talking about, but i think it had something to do with getting a new bucket of sanitizer.
All the skin is peeling off my hands from those damn kiwis. Who knew when you peeled 50 of them, that the acid would not be good for you? I took a WHMIS test. My god. I mean seriously. My God. How stupid are people that this has become mandatory? One lady (god love her, shes fun and shit, but how did she not know this??), had no clue that mixing bleach and ammonia would cause you to make a really bad thing? That could KILL you??
Oh well. I had 4 people copy off of my test thing. So i know at least 5 of us passed. I cant speak for the others.
The snow is gone. And that makes me smile.
The guy who made me want to cover him in pudding is supposed to be calling me sometime this week for a date. Let's take bets on whether or not this happens. I am sure i am not the only girl who has been promised a call and not gotten one. Only difference is...most girls get the first date.
This yummy looking gentleman who interviewed me for the cooking job......(it was a very distracting interview. I kept picturing myself sitting on his face. Shit, I think i am depraved) is at the restaurant for 3 weeks! i thought the interview was difficult to get through! I cut myself! And all becasue he happened to look and speak while i was trying to cut an apple. oh! What a look! It was deep. It was intense. It was magnetic. I dont remember what he was talking about, but i think it had something to do with getting a new bucket of sanitizer.
All the skin is peeling off my hands from those damn kiwis. Who knew when you peeled 50 of them, that the acid would not be good for you? I took a WHMIS test. My god. I mean seriously. My God. How stupid are people that this has become mandatory? One lady (god love her, shes fun and shit, but how did she not know this??), had no clue that mixing bleach and ammonia would cause you to make a really bad thing? That could KILL you??
Oh well. I had 4 people copy off of my test thing. So i know at least 5 of us passed. I cant speak for the others.
The snow is gone. And that makes me smile.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
full plate
i started my new job todaybut what happened to the crappy rogers job?
oh dont worry boys and girls, i am still doing that one
new job:
Cora's Breakfast and Lunch. Pretty self explantory.
I will post more about it once i have gotten rid of this headache.
Staring at a powerpoint presentation for 6 hours will give anyone a headache.
Ottawa won. Super excited about that.
A man is in an aquarium and says to the Tour guide "where are all the octopussies?"
She replies "sir, its octopi"
"Oh. I always get my pussies and pies mixed up"
oh dont worry boys and girls, i am still doing that one
new job:
Cora's Breakfast and Lunch. Pretty self explantory.
I will post more about it once i have gotten rid of this headache.
Staring at a powerpoint presentation for 6 hours will give anyone a headache.
Ottawa won. Super excited about that.
A man is in an aquarium and says to the Tour guide "where are all the octopussies?"
She replies "sir, its octopi"
"Oh. I always get my pussies and pies mixed up"
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
The List
So I was reading another blog and i discovered that it can be very theraputic to make a List of all the things about your ex that drove you nuts. And in moments of weakness, to read said list to remind you why they are 'ex'. So in the efforts of trying to 'get over him', (which i have so far been doing a fantastic job doing by 1. sleeping with a new guy 2. flirting with a new guy and 3. flirting with one of his friends that i used to date a looooooooong time ago) i have decided to do:
My reason's why I now hate Cheater McFucknuts aka Ryan R.
1. Well, he cheated on me. With a twinkie. With a younger twinkie that he is the boss of at work. which brings me to
2. No boundaries. This guy could not understand that i needed some 'me' time. It always had to be 'us' time. Surprisingly 'us' time always turned into 'us' spending time at his friends houses where he could smoke weed and leave me to sit alone counting how many rose clusters there were on the wallpaper in a room 12x14x20. With 3 large for every 2 feet and 6 small. Minus the 2 doors and one window.
3. he hated peas. Who the fuck hates peas? They come in a cool litle carrying case! The snap when you bite into them! They are green and healthy!
4. He hated soup and sandwiches. Which pretty much fucked any and all lunch plans or dates we could have ever gone on
5. He hated how i was smarter than him at some things. And felt the need to constantly put me down for it. He tried so desparately to show he could match my intelligence by touting facts about crap that he knows. Unfortunately no one gives a hooker's skanky crotch care for what the mayans did in times of war for hygiene. Excet maybe the mayans. And they're all dead. So obviously what they were doing didnt work so well
6. He pouted. There is nothing more sad in this world than seeing a 29 year old man pouting. I mean full blown bottom lip sticking out, arms crossed whiny sulk pouting. I suppose it didnt help matters that when he did this i laughed at him and told him he looked like a 3 yr old.
7. Bragged about things that he should not have bragged about, Like his ratty ass jeep which was totally falling apart and had no brakes and stalled if you took your foot off the gas pedal (which led to some tricky times when driving in the city). Goooooood lord, you would think that no one in the WHOLE world had a better jeep than him.
8. Bad breath. All the time.
9. Ugly ass tattoos that can qualify as #7 also. Looked like a Taiwan hooker on crack did those right after she got her arm re-attached following a bad guerilla attack.
10. Almost, but not quite did what i like during sex. I think that was more frustrating. That he was almost there, but not quite. So i always wondered if THIS was the day he would do EXACTLY what i liked.
11. Put down my accomplishments. And since there are so few of them, it would have been nice to have had some appreciation
12. Had a threesome with my best friends g/f. Not cool. I dont care you didnt know who she was at the time. So not cool
13. Always got drunk and made me drive his ass around. Oh Brooke and Joe, I am so sorry one of your grooms men decided to pass out in the parking lot at 10 PM on your wedding day. Thats just the way he is:
14. selfish. wow. i mean holy shit. His momma gave him an unreasonable expectation of how awesome he is. So he expects things. He is not awesome. Not even close. Not even in a Macauley Culkin used to be awesome back in '92 kinda way. I mean, pathetic attempt at a human being awesome. Like MC Hammer. Or Jewel.
15. Downloaded spyware on my laptop. Fucker
16.Thought those pop-up ads (You are the one millionth person to visit ths site! Click here for your prize!) were real and had himself and his family convinced he had won a trip to Jamaica. Was very argumentative when i explained in detail how stupid he was. I did not say stupid, but i suppose it may have been implied. Dumbass
17. Abanodened my kid who had grown to love him over the 2 years we were together. I wanted to put this as #1, but it still bothers me and i dont want to talk about it
18. His face is not that attractive. Unless you like Shar-peis. Those wrinkly dogs where their faces are all screwed up. He always thought of himself as being handsome. When he told me this, I laughed so hard i think i saw through time.
19. Owes me a lot of money still . I dont think i am going to see that. Besides, i think he will need it more than i will. Antibiotics are expensive. When you date a kitchen whore, dont be surprised when the doc says "You have an infection in your penis." God i hope it hurts and oozes.
20. No sense of humour. None. he thought he was so funny. I dont think in 2 years the guy ever made me split a gut laughing.
Okay. Thats not too bad. I enjoyed that. I think it really did make me feel better. Looks like Cosmo can be right about some stuff besides "14 ways to make your lover crave you from across the ocean while on vacation with your family and pets".
My reason's why I now hate Cheater McFucknuts aka Ryan R.
1. Well, he cheated on me. With a twinkie. With a younger twinkie that he is the boss of at work. which brings me to
2. No boundaries. This guy could not understand that i needed some 'me' time. It always had to be 'us' time. Surprisingly 'us' time always turned into 'us' spending time at his friends houses where he could smoke weed and leave me to sit alone counting how many rose clusters there were on the wallpaper in a room 12x14x20. With 3 large for every 2 feet and 6 small. Minus the 2 doors and one window.
3. he hated peas. Who the fuck hates peas? They come in a cool litle carrying case! The snap when you bite into them! They are green and healthy!
4. He hated soup and sandwiches. Which pretty much fucked any and all lunch plans or dates we could have ever gone on
5. He hated how i was smarter than him at some things. And felt the need to constantly put me down for it. He tried so desparately to show he could match my intelligence by touting facts about crap that he knows. Unfortunately no one gives a hooker's skanky crotch care for what the mayans did in times of war for hygiene. Excet maybe the mayans. And they're all dead. So obviously what they were doing didnt work so well
6. He pouted. There is nothing more sad in this world than seeing a 29 year old man pouting. I mean full blown bottom lip sticking out, arms crossed whiny sulk pouting. I suppose it didnt help matters that when he did this i laughed at him and told him he looked like a 3 yr old.
7. Bragged about things that he should not have bragged about, Like his ratty ass jeep which was totally falling apart and had no brakes and stalled if you took your foot off the gas pedal (which led to some tricky times when driving in the city). Goooooood lord, you would think that no one in the WHOLE world had a better jeep than him.
8. Bad breath. All the time.
9. Ugly ass tattoos that can qualify as #7 also. Looked like a Taiwan hooker on crack did those right after she got her arm re-attached following a bad guerilla attack.
10. Almost, but not quite did what i like during sex. I think that was more frustrating. That he was almost there, but not quite. So i always wondered if THIS was the day he would do EXACTLY what i liked.
11. Put down my accomplishments. And since there are so few of them, it would have been nice to have had some appreciation
12. Had a threesome with my best friends g/f. Not cool. I dont care you didnt know who she was at the time. So not cool
13. Always got drunk and made me drive his ass around. Oh Brooke and Joe, I am so sorry one of your grooms men decided to pass out in the parking lot at 10 PM on your wedding day. Thats just the way he is:
14. selfish. wow. i mean holy shit. His momma gave him an unreasonable expectation of how awesome he is. So he expects things. He is not awesome. Not even close. Not even in a Macauley Culkin used to be awesome back in '92 kinda way. I mean, pathetic attempt at a human being awesome. Like MC Hammer. Or Jewel.
15. Downloaded spyware on my laptop. Fucker
16.Thought those pop-up ads (You are the one millionth person to visit ths site! Click here for your prize!) were real and had himself and his family convinced he had won a trip to Jamaica. Was very argumentative when i explained in detail how stupid he was. I did not say stupid, but i suppose it may have been implied. Dumbass
17. Abanodened my kid who had grown to love him over the 2 years we were together. I wanted to put this as #1, but it still bothers me and i dont want to talk about it
18. His face is not that attractive. Unless you like Shar-peis. Those wrinkly dogs where their faces are all screwed up. He always thought of himself as being handsome. When he told me this, I laughed so hard i think i saw through time.
19. Owes me a lot of money still . I dont think i am going to see that. Besides, i think he will need it more than i will. Antibiotics are expensive. When you date a kitchen whore, dont be surprised when the doc says "You have an infection in your penis." God i hope it hurts and oozes.
20. No sense of humour. None. he thought he was so funny. I dont think in 2 years the guy ever made me split a gut laughing.
Okay. Thats not too bad. I enjoyed that. I think it really did make me feel better. Looks like Cosmo can be right about some stuff besides "14 ways to make your lover crave you from across the ocean while on vacation with your family and pets".
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