I am going to try and stick to the actual story here. It was an awful day all around and this incident may have been flavoured with my bad mood.
First! I am horrible in social situations. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am not good with new people, stupid people or people who smell.
Second! I am an impatient bugger. When it comes to travelling I like to be where I am or where I am going. I do not like the in between.
Since my car had broken, Nana was nice enough to travel down here to pick us up and drive us back to K-town for the weekend. After I had picked up my wee lad off the bus, she met us downstairs and we got on the elevator.
Which proceeded to get stuck between floors.
Old lady:
Freaked out and stated hitting the buttons as many times as she could. I asked her not to do that as there was no point. She hit the alarm button which was working intermittently. I retrieved my cell phone to call the super and had to ask her to please stop whacking the alarm button while i was on the phone TRYING TO GET US HELP. After she glared at me and after I got off the phone, she returned to whacking it as often and as hard as she could. The super yelled at her to stop, that she knew we were stuck and to calmly wait.
She complained about her laundry, which she was sure someone was going to steal. After we had been stuck for about 15 minutes, she reached into her purse and got a pen. Trying to jam it into the door and pry it open, just proved that she obviously had taken no physics classes and had no idea about why there was a security latch on the door to begin with. I explain to her that prying the door open is a really bad idea.
Smelly lady:
Sat down after about 10 minutes. It was a good idea so the wee lad and i joined her. All of a sudden I hear a phlegm-y cough and look over to see her spit in her hand. (I may add that she is an obvious immigrant). She squints her eyes and peers at her hand very intensely. The offers these pearls of wisdom:
Ve vill be rescued in.......20 minutes by a, no two dark haired men.*
Wipes her spitty hand on her pants and look very impressed with herself.
She must have noticed the look of horror on both my and the wee lad's faces. She exlains that : Vhere I come from , this is magic
Did I just see that? Did this lady just hock a loogie in her and then read our future????
What country is this that she comes from???
I do not ever ever want to go there for a visit. It must be the grossest place in the whole world.
Mother-out-law:
Surprisingly, the least of the evils. I would have thought she would have been the one to almost make me want to electrocute myself. She was remarkably calm and awesome. Just goes to show that when trapped in an elevator, sometimes people dont suck.
So after sitting in the elevator for longer than should be humanly possible, we are finally rescued. Spending that amount of time in the company of a twit and a freak, my wee lad and my mother-out-law was enough to make me completely bi-polar.
This was the single most screwed up thing that I could possibly imagine happening. If i am ever trapped in one again, I shall look back on these memories with fondness and revulsion. Because how else do I want to remember the ethnic part of my adventure?
*My very white superintendent let us out.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Deep Thoughts
After my car died I have yet again experienced the joys of the London public Transit system.
I had to go to the mall last night for some last minute birthday stuff, and it finally occurred to me what the bus smells like.
I have, over the course of my bus travels, always detected an undertone of something. A' je ne sais quois' if you will. I have many a time tried to pinpoint exactly what the odour is to no avail.
But last night, I think I did it.
It's as if "Welfare" went to the "Sense of Entitlement" Restaurant and ate something bad and got a good case of the "Absence of dignity" bug.
The London Transit system smells like the absence of dignity.
*One would think that the absence of something could not possibly have a smell. One would be wrong.
I had to go to the mall last night for some last minute birthday stuff, and it finally occurred to me what the bus smells like.
I have, over the course of my bus travels, always detected an undertone of something. A' je ne sais quois' if you will. I have many a time tried to pinpoint exactly what the odour is to no avail.
But last night, I think I did it.
It's as if "Welfare" went to the "Sense of Entitlement" Restaurant and ate something bad and got a good case of the "Absence of dignity" bug.
The London Transit system smells like the absence of dignity.
*One would think that the absence of something could not possibly have a smell. One would be wrong.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Sex and Prunes
I just went grocery shopping and I saw the cutest thing.
2 people, older than God, were canoodling. I say canoodling because it sounds appropriate when describing 80 year olds making out in public. At first they were holding hands when i occasionally crossed them in the aisles. They ended up behind me in line and the gentleman started nuzzling her neck. She giggled like a little girl and the cashier and i both smiled. Then, I shit you not, the lady grabbed his bum.
At this point, I am thinking......weird. They must not be married. No couple married that long acts like that in public. Most old people i see are cranky and pissy all the time. From bursitis or whatever it is that old people get. So I figured that either or both of them are married, but not to each other. This is their 'dalliance'. They go shopping for prunes and ovaltine together.
Another lady, and i hate to use the term 'low class' but it applies here, was out with her friend shopping. They pretty much followed me on my trek and I learned these things about her:
-she can only eat roma tomatoes cuz the other kinds give her gas (produce)
-she has a bad shoulder so she had to get anyone in her vicinity to reach stuff for her
-her daughter is in school for nursing and she thinks its a waste of time (medicine aisle)
-her cat is shedding hair like crazy (pet aisle)
-she is lactose intolerant and doesnt like the soy milk (dairy)
-she just got her check in and thinks she is getting ripped off by her case worker (check out)
All these things were said loudly and in great detail. At one point she ran into me with her cart. When i yelped she looked at me and continued on talking about her cat. She was dressed in 1980's. Very chic.
My car is completely dead now. I have to go and gather all my shit out of it and get a wreckers to come and pick it up. I have learned very valuable lessons from this. I spent $2500 on it one year ago and was told it would last for at least 3 years. In the past year i have spent about $1500 fixing crap on it.
-don't trust people when they say "Oh its a great car! Will last you long time!"
-When the radiator blows up it smells really bad and things start smoking
-when your struts and cv joint go, the car shudders and it feels like the wheel is about to fall off.
-if there is a leak in the exhaust, the car smells like ass
-I cant live without a car. The transit system blows and cabs smell funny.
2 people, older than God, were canoodling. I say canoodling because it sounds appropriate when describing 80 year olds making out in public. At first they were holding hands when i occasionally crossed them in the aisles. They ended up behind me in line and the gentleman started nuzzling her neck. She giggled like a little girl and the cashier and i both smiled. Then, I shit you not, the lady grabbed his bum.
At this point, I am thinking......weird. They must not be married. No couple married that long acts like that in public. Most old people i see are cranky and pissy all the time. From bursitis or whatever it is that old people get. So I figured that either or both of them are married, but not to each other. This is their 'dalliance'. They go shopping for prunes and ovaltine together.
Another lady, and i hate to use the term 'low class' but it applies here, was out with her friend shopping. They pretty much followed me on my trek and I learned these things about her:
-she can only eat roma tomatoes cuz the other kinds give her gas (produce)
-she has a bad shoulder so she had to get anyone in her vicinity to reach stuff for her
-her daughter is in school for nursing and she thinks its a waste of time (medicine aisle)
-her cat is shedding hair like crazy (pet aisle)
-she is lactose intolerant and doesnt like the soy milk (dairy)
-she just got her check in and thinks she is getting ripped off by her case worker (check out)
All these things were said loudly and in great detail. At one point she ran into me with her cart. When i yelped she looked at me and continued on talking about her cat. She was dressed in 1980's. Very chic.
My car is completely dead now. I have to go and gather all my shit out of it and get a wreckers to come and pick it up. I have learned very valuable lessons from this. I spent $2500 on it one year ago and was told it would last for at least 3 years. In the past year i have spent about $1500 fixing crap on it.
-don't trust people when they say "Oh its a great car! Will last you long time!"
-When the radiator blows up it smells really bad and things start smoking
-when your struts and cv joint go, the car shudders and it feels like the wheel is about to fall off.
-if there is a leak in the exhaust, the car smells like ass
-I cant live without a car. The transit system blows and cabs smell funny.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
potpourri
-still happy with the S-man. (Is that a good code for him? S-dawg? Prince-"finally realized how awesome I am and is building an ark in my honour"? Hows about just Sam. He shall henceforth be known as Sam, unless he does something that really pisses me off)
He went to the strippers again last night. Since he msn'd me at 130am, i can only assume he had a good time. Maybe he met some hot stripper and decided he wants her more and ditches me for a pair of DD's and a weave. I have no self esteem. Its sad really.
-cat is still weird. No dead animals yet. She has gotten back into her old habit of hiding things. She hid a certain something of mine that made me very cranky for a few days.
-had turkey dinner with Sam's family. They are the nicest looking family I have ever seen. Polite too. I felt uncomfortable and intrusive. But Sam did a good job of sticking by me and not letting me hide out. He kept introducing me as his 'friend'. He kept emphasizing that i was his 'friend'. At my age, the term girlfriend sounds really grade-9ish, but I didnt fancy the 'friend' title either. I am going to give this considerable thought and come up with a term that makes me happy. So far I have come up with Goddess. "Hi mom, this is M, my goddess"
-freaking cold now which makes my survery class a pain. We have to tromp around in a field for 3 hours. Did i mention my shoes are broken? If it is even slightly wet it goes into my feet and stays there all day.
- I now know 5 songs on the violin. I am learning at a fast rate, but my fingers arent strong enough to make it sound good.
-My super friend is expecting a baby in February and I cant wait. I am really excited for her. Mostly for me. I get to buy baby clothes again. On one hand baby clothes are really cute, on the other they are a little creepy. Being so small I feel like a giant. Like a friendly giant who makes me dolls sit in wee tiny rocking chairs while i play my recorder.
He went to the strippers again last night. Since he msn'd me at 130am, i can only assume he had a good time. Maybe he met some hot stripper and decided he wants her more and ditches me for a pair of DD's and a weave. I have no self esteem. Its sad really.
-cat is still weird. No dead animals yet. She has gotten back into her old habit of hiding things. She hid a certain something of mine that made me very cranky for a few days.
-had turkey dinner with Sam's family. They are the nicest looking family I have ever seen. Polite too. I felt uncomfortable and intrusive. But Sam did a good job of sticking by me and not letting me hide out. He kept introducing me as his 'friend'. He kept emphasizing that i was his 'friend'. At my age, the term girlfriend sounds really grade-9ish, but I didnt fancy the 'friend' title either. I am going to give this considerable thought and come up with a term that makes me happy. So far I have come up with Goddess. "Hi mom, this is M, my goddess"
-freaking cold now which makes my survery class a pain. We have to tromp around in a field for 3 hours. Did i mention my shoes are broken? If it is even slightly wet it goes into my feet and stays there all day.
- I now know 5 songs on the violin. I am learning at a fast rate, but my fingers arent strong enough to make it sound good.
-My super friend is expecting a baby in February and I cant wait. I am really excited for her. Mostly for me. I get to buy baby clothes again. On one hand baby clothes are really cute, on the other they are a little creepy. Being so small I feel like a giant. Like a friendly giant who makes me dolls sit in wee tiny rocking chairs while i play my recorder.
When I grow up I wanna be this guy!
Yo Homey
-This guy has 3 t-shirts. Black, white and blue. We have started taking bets on which one on which day. He is a tall and skinny white guy. Very white. His pants hang down on his knees and the shirts are huge on him. He is a fairly stupid boy and if attends class, causes so much commotion as to be very entertaining. I think he has ADD as he cannot sit still, nor can he shut up for more than 2 minutes. He has interupted the teachers so many times to ask them random questions. "Where is my book?", "When's the next test?"
In survery class I was chatting with my 2 partners. I found him staring at me in a very creepy manner.
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Huh?"
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Cuz ur talking"
M:"Yeah, well I am not talking to you, so if you could please not stare at me that would be great"
H:"OH! Ur one a those bitchy chicks"
M:"Well, I am usually a bitch when someone is staring at me for no good reason"
H:"Time of the month eh?" *looks at my partners and winks conspiratorally at them. They look baffled and slightly afraid. They keep glancing at me*
M:"Mmmmmm. Really. Well, I will tell you what. Hows about you stop staring at me, and I will go over here and make fun of you quietly instead of to your face. Deal?"
H:"Fuck you"
At this point my 2 partners grab me and hussle me away.
They both noticed that he was staring at me in a creepy manner but did nothing. They said they figured I could handle myself. On one hand I feel great knowing they think I can handle jack-offs myself. On the other hand, I want to be rescued dammit. Go punch him in the eye and look majestically around. Let me fawn over your super muscles and praise your courage. I want to be a goddamn fairy princess with sparkly hair and a heart of gold! I want a fluffy pink dress and a white pony! Someone rescue me for fuck sakes.
Apparently girls who swear like sailors and act like guys ( ie burp and then laugh maniacally) does not bring forth feelings of gallantry.
How did this guy get into college and I feel very good knowing that he wont be around next semester. If he is there is somethign seriously wrong with our educational system.
-This guy has 3 t-shirts. Black, white and blue. We have started taking bets on which one on which day. He is a tall and skinny white guy. Very white. His pants hang down on his knees and the shirts are huge on him. He is a fairly stupid boy and if attends class, causes so much commotion as to be very entertaining. I think he has ADD as he cannot sit still, nor can he shut up for more than 2 minutes. He has interupted the teachers so many times to ask them random questions. "Where is my book?", "When's the next test?"
In survery class I was chatting with my 2 partners. I found him staring at me in a very creepy manner.
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Huh?"
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Cuz ur talking"
M:"Yeah, well I am not talking to you, so if you could please not stare at me that would be great"
H:"OH! Ur one a those bitchy chicks"
M:"Well, I am usually a bitch when someone is staring at me for no good reason"
H:"Time of the month eh?" *looks at my partners and winks conspiratorally at them. They look baffled and slightly afraid. They keep glancing at me*
M:"Mmmmmm. Really. Well, I will tell you what. Hows about you stop staring at me, and I will go over here and make fun of you quietly instead of to your face. Deal?"
H:"Fuck you"
At this point my 2 partners grab me and hussle me away.
They both noticed that he was staring at me in a creepy manner but did nothing. They said they figured I could handle myself. On one hand I feel great knowing they think I can handle jack-offs myself. On the other hand, I want to be rescued dammit. Go punch him in the eye and look majestically around. Let me fawn over your super muscles and praise your courage. I want to be a goddamn fairy princess with sparkly hair and a heart of gold! I want a fluffy pink dress and a white pony! Someone rescue me for fuck sakes.
Apparently girls who swear like sailors and act like guys ( ie burp and then laugh maniacally) does not bring forth feelings of gallantry.
How did this guy get into college and I feel very good knowing that he wont be around next semester. If he is there is somethign seriously wrong with our educational system.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
East Indians have super hearing
So one of my computer teachers is a lady.
I have no idea what her religion/race is, but she wears those long flowing dress thingers and a scarf-y thinger on her head.
So after she came over to answer a question I had, I watch her walk back to the front of the classroom. I then turn to K who sits beside me and whisper:
M:I dont think she should be teaching computers if she is illiterate
K:What? how do you know she is illiterate?
M: Well, she obviously didnt read the 4 million signs around the college asking people not to wear perfume because of allergies. I mean, fuck, how much of that does she spray on?
K: hahahahahahahahahaha oh shit, I think she heard you
I turn around and there she is 20 feet away GLARING at me.
How the hell did she hear me? She has a scarf thinger covering her ears AND she was 20 feet away AND i was whispering!
I can't hear shit if i have my hood up on my coat. That lady should trade her stuff in and get a spandex suit. With a sparkly pink cape.
I have no idea what her religion/race is, but she wears those long flowing dress thingers and a scarf-y thinger on her head.
So after she came over to answer a question I had, I watch her walk back to the front of the classroom. I then turn to K who sits beside me and whisper:
M:I dont think she should be teaching computers if she is illiterate
K:What? how do you know she is illiterate?
M: Well, she obviously didnt read the 4 million signs around the college asking people not to wear perfume because of allergies. I mean, fuck, how much of that does she spray on?
K: hahahahahahahahahaha oh shit, I think she heard you
I turn around and there she is 20 feet away GLARING at me.
How the hell did she hear me? She has a scarf thinger covering her ears AND she was 20 feet away AND i was whispering!
I can't hear shit if i have my hood up on my coat. That lady should trade her stuff in and get a spandex suit. With a sparkly pink cape.
Math class #1
Now this is retard math. I swear. We learned this shit back in grades 9-11. And yet somehow, these guys (fresh out of high school) are still having problems.
Could it be the teachers thick accent? It could. He pronounces denominator....dee-numerator. And algebraically...algi-brickly.
Or could it be that most of these guys are used to being the center of attention?
Today:
Prof: Please, guys, there are 94 of you in class. I am here to teach you. If you have problems with your test results, make an app't with me. I can't spend valuable class time explaining what you did wrong.
Retard#1: Yeah, but all I wanted to know was how to get the answer for #4 on it.
Prof: Like i said. Even if i gave every one of you one minute of class time, it would take 2 classes! Look online for the answers, and if you still have a problem, come see me after.
Retard#2: Well, I get that, but how are we supposed to go to the next unit if we dont understand where we went wrong?
Prof: Because this IS a new unit. We are learning something NEW. It has nothing to do with the last unit.
Retard#1: I agree with retard#2! I want to know how to fix our mistakes.
Prof: I know! But I am sick of this conversation. Now onto algi-brickly expressions.
Retard#1: Okay then, how would i have solved #4 on the test algebraically?
Retard#2: Yeah!
Prof: Question 4 asked for 1/4-1/8. It has nothing to DO woth algebra.
Retard#1: I don't think you are a very good teacher. My teacher back in highschool would have helped.
Prof: In case you havent noticed you are not in highschool. If your old teacher was so good, call him up and ask him to help you figure out your poor test results.
During this whole conversation, the rest of us are hooting and hollering, telling the Tard twins to shut up, and getting overall annoyed.
My cat just ate 3 q-tips. I technically should have made her stop, but i was curious as to how many she would eat.
Could it be the teachers thick accent? It could. He pronounces denominator....dee-numerator. And algebraically...algi-brickly.
Or could it be that most of these guys are used to being the center of attention?
Today:
Prof: Please, guys, there are 94 of you in class. I am here to teach you. If you have problems with your test results, make an app't with me. I can't spend valuable class time explaining what you did wrong.
Retard#1: Yeah, but all I wanted to know was how to get the answer for #4 on it.
Prof: Like i said. Even if i gave every one of you one minute of class time, it would take 2 classes! Look online for the answers, and if you still have a problem, come see me after.
Retard#2: Well, I get that, but how are we supposed to go to the next unit if we dont understand where we went wrong?
Prof: Because this IS a new unit. We are learning something NEW. It has nothing to do with the last unit.
Retard#1: I agree with retard#2! I want to know how to fix our mistakes.
Prof: I know! But I am sick of this conversation. Now onto algi-brickly expressions.
Retard#1: Okay then, how would i have solved #4 on the test algebraically?
Retard#2: Yeah!
Prof: Question 4 asked for 1/4-1/8. It has nothing to DO woth algebra.
Retard#1: I don't think you are a very good teacher. My teacher back in highschool would have helped.
Prof: In case you havent noticed you are not in highschool. If your old teacher was so good, call him up and ask him to help you figure out your poor test results.
During this whole conversation, the rest of us are hooting and hollering, telling the Tard twins to shut up, and getting overall annoyed.
My cat just ate 3 q-tips. I technically should have made her stop, but i was curious as to how many she would eat.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Haley's request
Lets see:
-My little sweetie decided that he missed me too much and needed to have me back. Could not possibly live without me. The sun stopped shining when i was not around. Birds pooped all over his car and he never won at scratch tickets. You may not be able to tell but my self esteem is feeling okay right now.
-Going back home for thanksgiving
-started to learn the violin. I can play 3 songs now. Jon says they all sound like Old McDonald. Neither of them are Old McDonald.
-My wee lad lost 2 baby teeth
And now onto the cat.
Somehow having her uterus pulled out gave her new and more unusual habits than before. She is dragging plastic bags around the apartment and then when she gets tired of it, will crawl into them and fall asleep. Nothing more has died, that I know of anyway. She very well could have buried them somewhere and they will appear on upcoming episodes of CSI.
-My little sweetie decided that he missed me too much and needed to have me back. Could not possibly live without me. The sun stopped shining when i was not around. Birds pooped all over his car and he never won at scratch tickets. You may not be able to tell but my self esteem is feeling okay right now.
-Going back home for thanksgiving
-started to learn the violin. I can play 3 songs now. Jon says they all sound like Old McDonald. Neither of them are Old McDonald.
-My wee lad lost 2 baby teeth
And now onto the cat.
Somehow having her uterus pulled out gave her new and more unusual habits than before. She is dragging plastic bags around the apartment and then when she gets tired of it, will crawl into them and fall asleep. Nothing more has died, that I know of anyway. She very well could have buried them somewhere and they will appear on upcoming episodes of CSI.
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