Third Day of Training

"M, dont ever click on that blue button!"
"Why? What will happen?"
"It doesnt matter. Just dont ever click on it"
"Okay. I got that. But what happens if you click on the blue button?"
"M! I said it doesnt matter. You will never know if you dont click on it"
" I get that! But i want to know what would happen in case it is clicked. I mean how can i fix the problem if i dont know what the problem is?"
"M, are you a dummy? Are you listening to me? Don't click on it and you wont have to fix any problems"
(I asked the other trainer guy. ou know why we are not allowed to click on the blue button? Because if you do, it closes the program. He says then you just have to re-open it. No big deal)

"L, how do i move the appt from this installer back to us?"
"Why?"
"Because the installer asked me to do it"
"You just move it back"
"Yeah, i know. How?"
"You just move it"
"I know i have to move it. What specific buttons do i have to click on to move it?"
"Just click on it and move it"
"MOVE IT WHERE? WHERE DO I MOVE IT TO?"
"Back to us"
"Where is the 'us' part of the program i can move it to?"
"Oh, the little window that says QRT 33. How do you not know that? I think you are a really big dummy. How did you get this job?"

This is exciting

Okay here it is....My first day at my new job complete WITH PICTURES!!!

I am now a dispatch operator for a large company that owns everything including the Queen's underwear. One of the things they do is cable. Tv, internet, HDTV crap etc.

I work in a room 12 feet by 12 feet. No window. Completely white walls with no decoration. No radio, tv, or anthing exciting to lok at other than my own belly button.

I sit at a desk and tell about 30 guy swhere they need to go. Literally. I text message and talk on the phone. I schedule the guys appt's for the day. Doesnt that sound THRILLING?

No? Well here's the thrilling part. And in order to properly express it i will use an incident that happened.

2 weeks ago my trainer-lady Q scheduled K for 10 jobs one day. K decided he didnt want to leave town and refused all 10 jobs. (Lets keep in mind these guys get paid piece work. The more jobs the more money). Q reported him to his supervisor where he was suspended for one week. This did not endear K to Q at all.

So my first day started off with Q giving K his jobs for the day. He sent a text : Why did you over book me?

Q: I did not overbook you. In fact you have room for 4 more jobs

K: Screw you. You are lying to me

Some time later another job came in and Q gave it to K.

K: when did this job come in?

Q: Right now

K: You are lying to me again. I hate it when you lie. You suck.

Q is understandably angry at this.

Q: Well if he wants to be a prick, lets show him ow much of a prick I can be. (As she smiles evillish-ly)

Q then takes away most of his London jobs. And gives him this schedule:

London, Woodstock, Stratford, London, St. Thomas, Woodstock, London.

These guys get paid squat for travel time so they really want a bunch of jobs in one area.

He gets angry and then quits.

So the general rule of this job is: Be nice to the dispatch person. We can seriously fuck you over. Q tells me that not all the guys seem to realize this and treat us like crap. Even after we screw with their schedules. They dont like the fact that a woman is telling them what to do and where to go. Some guys just dont learn.

Here are some fantastic pics of my first day:

The magical box of kleenex that grants wishes. The cell phone that our OVERLORD provides. They all look the same. And i have exact same one. So you can imagine the confusion.

The grapes I was offered. The very very very sweet tea that I was also offered. I drank it. Not too bad.

The age of Wisdom

This is a rant about the double standard. Gee, what a shock! A female complaining about the double standard! Again, to those i say: "Shut up. Go get your own blog".

I am a 27 year old single female. I have a healthy outlook on sex. Which I mean to say is that I enjoy sex. I find it invigorating and relaxing all at the same time. I do not want sex for attention, validation or any other neurosis. I just plain out enjoy the company of a well mannered man who can appreciate the fun we can have together. Preferably naked.

I do not make it a habit to sleep with every guy i could. I have standards; I have to be attracted to them physically and mentally. I do not sleep with dummies. I do not make it a habit to sleep with guys i just met. (Though in itself, it does have some perks. I am not saying I have never done it, just that it has lost its appeal as i have gotten older). I always use protection and never trust them at their word that 'they are clean'.
I do not sleep with men to make myself feel better. To make myself feel wanted, needed, sexually attractive etc. I do not do it for dares, jokes or money. I do not do it for revenge.

And yet, even after all of this, I am still labelled a slut. How can this be? I don't deserve to have the company of someone unless i am married or at least in a relationship? I cannot have a good time with another consenting adult?
If a woman speaks knowledgably about sex, speaks her mind, is open about what she wants and needs, she is thrown into the same slut pile as those who do it for a drink. I have a friend who says i am 'obssesed' with sex. I have tried to explain to him that perhaps he is mistaken as to the exact meaning of that word. I am not 'obssesed'. I have an interest. It does not rule my life nor does it affect my life. Just because i vocalize when i am attracted to someone, or comment on how a person makes me feel does not mean that sex rules my life. It is an important part of my life. But i do not equate it with food or water. I can live without it.

I also take major offense at people who suggest that because i enjoy sex, it somehow makes me a bad mother. How exactly does this work? My son is not around when any of this happens. I am responsible! When the situation arises, and it does, i will turn down sex becasue my son is at home. Ragradless of the fact he is sleeping and will not even know, I do not feel that it is appropriate at all.

Should we relegate this topic to the closet of "that which must not be named"?
Why is it so difficult to have an adult conversation about sex without people targeting you as a pervert? Or obssesed?

And here is where the double standard comes in. If i was male, would anyone care? Would people look at me like I am bad person? Or a whore?
Not at all. Men are expected to talk about sex. They are the 'alpha', it is part of the historically proven genetic lineage. They need to procreate to prove themselves. (I am not terribly fond of this ideal, but it does hold some merit)

So even in the advanced society of equalities, women are still not allowed to act like they enjoy the act of sex.
We are still judged by the antiquated harlequin romance novel bodice rippers, where if a woman flashed her ankles she was branded a 'harlot'.
I know women who still find it 'disgusting' and 'wrong' that a woman may pleasure herself.
I think we are our own worst enemies. But that is a blog for another day.

I'm a-coming baby!

Been awhile since my last post. Here's the updates:
St. Patty's day
-got very drunk. On tequila. I know that is not terribly Irish but screw you! It's how i roll.
-got into a fight with a deafy. Always an interesting experience. Especially when you are drunk on tequila.
-got hit on by a creepy old man. No amount of tequila would make him attractive, so no worries there
-found out my friend Merry is considering sleeping with his skanky ass ex. I forbade him to do so unless he treats her like a hooker and does dirty nasty things to her, throws $20 at her and then kicks her out.
-Merry then told me i wasnt very lady-like and I should work on that.

-I get no OSAP for the summer. So je suis screwed.
-Had 2 job interviews today. I am hoping so badly for the one it's all i can do not to pee my pants. Such a sweet sweet job. I would get to boss people around! I excel at that! Just ask any guy I have ever dated.
-Spoke to my father for the first time in 7 1/2 years. Was told: "It would have been better for you to have been scraped out of your mothers uterus with a rusty coat hanger then grow up to be the disappointment you are now". Obviously, this filled me with feelings of rainbows and kittens. Gosh I love my dad.
-Had a parent teacher interview. This is an odd feeling fr me as i remember my mom having to do this for me as a kid. It was weird. Very surreal. I had to sit in one of those wee little chairs, which surprisingly enough i found comfortable. This also filled me with feelings of weirdness.
-Having a pretty good time with my boy candy. Frustrates the hell out of me he does, but he gave me french fries. Which in my world is freaking romantic. I love food.

And this sums up my week pretty nicely.

Nonsense at 4 am

So it is the middle of the night and i yet again cannot sleep. I have gotten into the weirdest sleep pattern lately and the end result is me up watching the People's Court at 3:05 am.

It is amazing the types of random thoughts that run through your head when you are alone, bored, lonely and slightly tired.

-Is it possible to be happy alone? Is this all life has to offer? Fleeting moments of happiness interspersed with cloying depresive apathy?

-How many times do I have to play Lotto 649 before I win? And what would i do with the money? I have given much thought to this. Lets say i win $1 000 000 000.
I will buy a car, a house, a cottage. I will donate some to charity. I will buy Jon and Merry cars. I will get Jake a really cool toy for deafies. Like a special stereo that flashes cool lights or something. I would get a pony, just cuz it's cool.
But mostly I would get special cards made up for all the people that have ever pissed me off and inside would put a picture of the things i would have gotten for them if only they weren't such huge douche bags.

-If you had a nose infection, would it not be easier to snort antibiotics?

-Is it better for me to get my cat a friend to play with or get her knocked up? She is very depressed after Cheater McFucknuts took his cat away.

-Will I ever meet a guy who will put up with me?
I know I am difficult to get along with sometimes. But aside from my utter lack of knowledge on how to make coffee, i have some redeeming qualities. I am everything guys claim to like, but in actuality dont really want. I am independant, strong, funny, smart etc. I can crack an egg with one hand and not break the yolk. I can watch a hockey game and know what is going on. I make very nice french toast. I know how to drive a stick shift. I kill my own spiders if they need killing. Or otherwise can give them a stern talking to if thats what is needed. I can origami cranes and frogs, knit a scarf, and tell you all the characters on star wars and star trek.
I like steak rare, very rare. And i would never ask if my lipstick matched my shoes.
So what is wrong?
Why are guys not beating down my door? (Which by the way, I know how to fix as i have my own tools).

So many people have told me to be patient. That one day someone will come along who will be everything i need and want. Well patient doesn give me that many orgasms. Patient doesnt rub my back and slap my ass.

I swear to God, if i ever meet a guy named Patient, that would be very ironic.

You know what your problem is?

"You know what your problem is?"

Gosh no! How about you tell me!
Because I trust your opinion?
No wait, thats not right, because i really, really don't.
Why dont you tell me because we are such good friends?
Oh wait, thats right, I cant stand you!
Hmmm, how about i listen because you actually know me, and know what you are talking about?
ummm, yeah. Thats not quite right either. Because if you were my friend, if you knew me, you would know first off:
This phrase is annoying as hell
and i just LOVE to hear how much i suck from a person who cant even keep their own life together.

This past week has been "Tell M 'what her problem is' week"
Here's some of the winners:

-i am too detached emotionally (the ex boyfriend who shall now be known as "Cheater McFucknut")
-i am too clingy (the current squeeze)

-I am a big fat liar
-I am too blunt with how i tell the truth

-i say inappropriate things
-i dont let my feelings be known

are we catching a theme here?? Cuz i am thinking, no matter what i do, someone is going to have a problem with me.
I know what my faults are. I have been living my life for 27 years now. I am pretty sure I have a grasp on what i am good at and what i am bad at. I know i am opinionated, abrasive, annoying, loud, talkative, bitchy and super uncomfortable in social situations. But you know what? Tell me again! I love to hear it!
Let's ignore all my good points. I dare you! It is so much easier to tell me the bad shit.


You know what i say to those people who felt that they just had to tell me what my problem is??

Screw you.

Chances are, i dont like you very much anyway and dont give a rats ass about your opinion.
What exactly did you hope to accomplish by informing me of my failings?
That you are soooooo much better than i? That you would be akin to a GOD if you could fix my imperfections and would be crowned King High Pooh-Bah of all that is Terrific and Shiny?

How about, the next time you feel like telling me what MY problem is, you stop and ask your self.........
"Has this ever worked?
Have I ever, EVER told anyone what their problem is and have it changed?
NO! So what on earth makes me think that what i have to say will make any difference?
Perhaps this doesnt work!"

You know what YOUR problem is?
You suck.
No one wants to hear pseudo-psychoanalyisis from a weinie who can't even keep their own life in order.

And that is what your problem is.

Please porridge hot, please porridge cold

You meet someone.
You are attracted.
You want to do nasty dirty things to them in a naked kind of way, and yet you like their converstaion too.
You think they feel the same! Right?

Seem simple enough. But it never is.

Certain people go hot and cold with how they treat you. One minute they are laughing at your jokes, touching your arm, spontaneously kissing you in front of their friends............
the next minute, you dont hear from them for 5 days. They wont look you in the eye. They are disinterested in anything you have to say.
Some time later, they go right back to being all mushy aagain.

Is it my fault? you ask yourself. Christ's testicles no!

These people are wishy-washy, indecisive, they have the 'grass is greener' syndrome. Perhaps their parents didnt hug them enough. Or for that matter, hugged them too much.
They will miss the scenery on the trip, always looking at the destination. Never enjoying the moment.

You cannot be held accountable for people who dont see whats in front of them.

Or, they have a split personality. One can only hope its a cool one. Like Obi Wan. Or Jean-Luc Picard.

My eyes are bleeding

I just watched Crossroads with Britney Spears.

What the fuck was I thinking.

Deep thoughts

So this is just a couple of things that have occured to me since my last post.

-Last night a friend of mine told me that when he took his people 'tard leaugue bowling that there were several girls there dressed up like hoochies. They were rude and bitchy. They were dressed horribly wrong for not only bowling, but for working with the disabled. You never know when you will get shit on you. Literally.

-my sext-messaging friend i discovered has also been porno text messaging other girls. at least 2 girls. I caught him lying about it. Thats the best part! But he doesnt know that i know. I am so sneaky and clever that he has no clue. Okay, so how i found out isn't very ethical. So I did a big no-no. But neither is screwing around with at least 2 other chicks then LYING about it.

-a friendly Goliath has decided he wants to jump me bones in a bibilcal sense. Which would make this sentence terribly clever on my part. He is huge. I am not. He is nice, i am not. This could be entertaining.

-jon tells me that 90% of the zippers in the world are made in some chinese city. For some odd reason, this does not surprise me.

-he also guesses that a bunch of old people make snow globes. In some old people factory. Like in Monty Python's meaning of life. The crimson thingy.

I have another job interview today. Why? Oh thats right. I may have forgotten to mention that i got myself sorta kinda maybe a little bit fired on the first day.
In my defense the guy totally deserved me yelling at him. And they did tell me that if i apologized, i could go back.
Anyone who knows me................not going to happen.

Honestly, he really did deserve it! Though maybe it wasnt his fault that his mother was obviously his father's first cousin and this resulted in him being disgustingly stupid. Also not his fault that his hill-billy mother probably drank anti-freeze and cough syrup for the whole pregnancy and becasue of that he is the most annoying thing that ever walked.

Well dammit. Maybe i should have apologized.

I get bored people. And this is what I do. Isn't it wonderful?

This is Jon and Merry.

Hmmm

Who makes snow globes?
Has anyone ever met someone who, when asked what their occupation says:
"I work in a a snow globe factory"

Are they made in a factory?
What is the shelf life of a snow globe?
Why are some people obsessive about collecting them?

Have you ever heard child when asked what he/she wants to be when they grow up, joyfully say
"I wanna make snow globes!"

and for that...
who the hell makes zippers?

For either of these what would your title be?
Snow globe technician?
Zipper Engineer?

The american idol experience-call centre style

So I was wrong. Today for my mass interview there were 12 people. We went into a meeting room and paired off to learn crap about each other. My chick was pretty awesome. She has a fat cat.
We then learned some junk about the company. Then....a test!
I did fairly well as even though i was not paying any attention whatsoever (there was a very hot Bulgarian guy sitting across from me and i kept wondering what he smelled like. That good looking, he has to smell awesome), i am a fairly good bullshitter.
As our recruiter guy "Chad" marked out tests, my new friend and i played a game of I Spy. Chad then asked 3 of the people, one of which is my new pretty friend, to stay behind while he showed the rest of us to the cafeteria.
Those 3 people got the boot.
Now everyone there with the exception of 3 of us, applied for this job through the company website. (The application is 37 questions of "Are you a shy person?", "Do you excel under leadership?" and a bunch of computer questions.)
So Chad got the three of us to do a lovely role playing thingy.
I have to say i rocked mine. I will tell that story at another time.
He then sent us 3 to another room to do this application. He wanted to see how much computer knowledge we had. So i waved good bye to my little Bulgarian chocolate. This appl. is supposed to take 45 minutes. I finished in 15.
I was bored. I then decided to amuse myself by drawing a picture of Chad with a balloon on the comp.
Two of the left behind people showed up. The others got cut.
I almost cried. My yummy new sex dream wa snot one of the 2. They had to do another test!
Chad is a sneaky bastard. While i was picasso-ing probably the best comp. paint picture i have ever done (I had shadowing for god sakes!), he was marking my test.
He then came in and asked me to go to another room. This made me nervous, but not nervous enough to pee my pants.
"You nailed that. Can you fill out these forms for ou to start on Monday?"
"But what about the other test?" I ask
"You dont need to do that one. We know where we want to put you now."
"okay, where am i going?"
"You will find out on Monday"

Ohhhhh! Secret shit! Maybe i will be decoding spy crap! Or hacking into the Queen's email!
Nope.
I am now an official "Internet Assistance Nazi". I am not sure if that is the real title. But it's the one i have chosen.
How did i find out? I had to fill out another appl. thing and it was on the bottom.

By the way, I signed like 4 million non-disclosure agreements. So you never read any of this.

Back in the game of life

So i am going very soon to a mass job interview. I have never been to one of these before as most of my potential employers were not lazy bastards.
I don't care that you are looking for 70 people for this stupid company, how am i supposed to feel about you as an employer if you can't even take the time out to talk to me individually?

I checked out the website for this pie-hole of a place and it states that we must become experts in the use of our products and services. Really? Would you be able to pick me out of a room of say....70 people? How 'expert' are you about me? But you expect me to know about your crap!

It's a tech computer support phone job thing. I hate people. I hate stupid people. I hate stupid people who need to call a tech support service because they have annoyed their family and friends so much with their retarded questions that no one will help them anymore but people getting paid to.
I am of the mind that if you are going to purchase say a computer, you should learn about it! Read the damn manual!
Soemone gets paid alot more than i will be writing the damn thing. Use it.
Having worked in this sort of job before I happen to know that 90% of the questions could have been easily answered if they had read the manual!
I finish by putting down a poem i high-jacked and screwed with for this occasion.

God grant me the serenity to not kill anyone today
The courage to admit when i do
And the wisdom to know where to hide the bloody knife.

I am wearing camoflauge! You cannot see me!

So i started 'dating' this guy. I am not sure if dating is the right word for it, but it will suffice for here. Mostly I have been having wonderful sex with him.
I only asked that if he had sex with anyone else, he would tell me. I dont want to catch any crotch rot from a skanky 19 year old he decided had big boobs and just had to f*ck.

So, this guy, lets call him.....Bobby, whenever he is in the mood, texts me the most random things. All of it pornographic in nature and always at the weirdest times.
So he did it. He had sex with someone else. I am slightly offended by this. But thats not the point.

Texting porn messages loses somethign in the medium. It is hard to get 'worked up' over a text. Yet, he doesnt seem to get that. I asked him if it was like a mating ritual for him. Like showing his tail feathers or baying at the moon. He cant seem to get into the mood unless he sends completely inane text messages.

Once when out for lunch with a friend, at 2 pm, he texts me to say that he is in the bath and had just shaved his meat and potatoes. I have to say i laughed so hard over this that the people around me probably wondered if i was completely sane. My friend had a very bewildered look on her face and i explained that this is what he does. He is a very romantic guy.
*side note, he forgot to clean the bathtub afterwards and his roommate had quite the shock when he went in there.

Is this the new way of courting someone? I am perhaps a little old fashioned and think phone sex is much better. But I suppose I must get with the times and realize that Bill Gates probably anticipated this and that is why we now also have camera phones.

I chose to carry on with him in this manner as it tickled me, but since he had sex wth someone else, the excitement for me has been lost. Now he just seems like a sad little boy who needs to keep his fingers busy so he is not constantly jerking off at work.