Part 3

I woke up this morning. Went over to the computer and turned it on
In my peripheral vision i noticed something out of place to my right.
I look over
I see a dead bird
On my livingroom floor
Mangled with feathers strewn all over
"huh" I said and turned back to the computer
Logged in
Thought to myself: "bird"
Looked ot the right again
and realized that i had a DEAD BIRD IN MY APARTMENT

Immediately got super grossed out

And realized my cat was more pissed off with me than i thought

I am afraid of what it will be next and where she will put it

I live in fear of a 5 lb cat and her type of street justice

Part 2

They told me to keep my cat calm. How in tarnation were they expecting me to do that? My cat is a spaz. Either way, I had the best sleep of my night last night. No yowling. It was wonderful.

She is not doing anything except hiding and sleeping right now. Took me forever just to find her cowering under my bed. I think she is pissed at me, for which i do not blame her.
If someone shoved me into a crate thing and forced me to get my uterus pulled out without asking, I would be pretty darn pissed off too.
I get pissed off that I am forced to brush my teeth everyday. I mean, I ain't kissing no fools, who cares if i have fuzzy slippers on my bicuspids?

Ramblings & a cats' uteruses (or is that uterii??)

okay let's see..what's new, what's new.......*looks around and picks nose*

-Well, i am officially the only female in my program of 93 guys. That is somewhat disconcerting. I believe that Liberal Arts education of mine should come in handy with trying to figure these little fuckers out. That or i can just throw some porn at them and watch the hilarity ensue.
-I am coming down with a cold. Thanks a lot Jon, you suck.
-I am out of osap. But i did manage to pay the cable compnay enough that i should be turned back on soon. (In time for Heroes!!!)
-Going to the Sens game on tuesday with Jon. If this cold wrecks my experience in any way you will be able to recognize Jon because he will be the man with no testicles. Oh and he will have on a Sens jersey.
-Oj Simpson has been arrested. Thats good news. He can share a cell with Michael Vick and talk of times long past. I wonder which of them would be the bitch? Aren't female dogs bitches? Then i suppose by irony alone, Vick would be the bitch.
-I just sneezed again. This is not looking good. If anyone has any suggestions about how i may get revenge on Jon, I would really appreciate them.

My cat is getting fixed tomorrow! This may sound like something odd to get excited about , but if any of you have ever had to try and sleep through that 'yowling' that they do, you will understand that for the abscence of a very sharp knife, i would have cut her uterus out myself.

She has this thing where she will sliiiiiiide up to you and start molesting your foot. Its quite creepy. And if you pick her up and throw her across the room so hard your arm actually pops and gets sore? She will just come right back on over and start doing it again! If you move three feet to the left, she will just sliiiiiiide with you. If you lock her in the closet and try to ignore her for a few days, well, she will just yowl louder until the neighbours think you are practicing the violin. And when you let her out? She looks at you and laughs! And then sliiiides over.
If you accidentally kick her in the head trying to move her? She just comes back again. If you kind of throw her not on purpose mind, off the balcony and onto someone else's hoping they will have to put up with her, she will find her way home! If you throw her into a bathtub with a toaster? She comes back as a horny zombie and sliiiiiides over to your foot and starts molestng it again! True story!

So hopefully tomorrow the great and powerful Oz-vet will fix this whole problem. And I shall yet again be able to enjoy a full night's sleep. And wher the only yowling you will hear will be mine.

vrooooooom!

A record $100 million dollar fine goes to Team MacLaren of some sort of racing thingy. They were using leaked secrets from Ferrari. Doesn't that sound dirty? Espionage is alive and well today Ladies and Gentlemen.

I have no idea what any of that meant. I read it in the paper and I though I would comment on it. How the hell do you pay a $100 million dollar fine? Can you do it in installments? Can you put that shit on your credit card? Or just an overall IOU. And who exactly gets this money? Is it Ferrari? I dont think so. Chances are it goes in to the fat cats' pockets; Or so I have heard.

Now I have never met a fat cat, but i imagine he would have on a dandy suit. With a pocket watch. And a vest. He would wash his hair in caviar and eat children for breakfast. His mother would feel neglected becasue he hasnt made it to Christmas in 7 years and she pines for grandbabies but knows she will not get them because he is so important.

I am seriously going to rip my nose off

In the elevator yesterday and a gentleman joins me. Immediatley my eyes water, my throat burns and my nose starts dripping. He noticed my discomfort and asked if i was okay.
To which I reply
"Dude, how much of that shit did you put on? God!"
With a very calm and disinterested look:
"Oh I'm sorry"
Obvioulsy not sorry enough to get off the elevator jerkass!
If I was asthmatic I would have had an episode right there. Right there on that dirty ass floor. I would have turned blue and clutched my throat. I would have been gasping for breath, reaching towards him for some sort of help, pleading with my eyes. I would have died with the smell of Polo clogging my trachea.
And he would have calmly looked at me and said
"Oh I'm sorry"

la la la la la la lala I feel pretty oh so pretty

Okay
I was trolling around the campus of my college yesterday, (loving the word 'trolling' right now, it has such nasty connotations) and I noticed something peculiar.

I am magic!
No seriously I am. Stop laughing.
I have the ability to discern what year of your program you are in based solely on what you are wearing. (This applies to girls only)

1st year!
-slutty at 7 am

2nd year +
-wearing the most comfortable clothes possible no matter the time.

Just try it, I won't even charge you money for the secret.
These little picadilly whores have on eyelash extensions, full makeup aka bar face, short skirts, skanky tops and impossible heels.
At 7am!!!!

" I just know if I dress nicely* someone will notice me and I will not need an education! I am only here to find a man to take care of me! Why else would I be dressed so nicely this early? I will probably end up dropping out as soon as I find a man or I screw up my grades becasue I have been so distratced by the cute guy in the corner! Oh poo, I just noticed I cant pay my rent this month because I spent all of my money on whore clothes. But they were so nice! I dress appropriately for my age! Someone will notice me! Right?"

I am a fan of the t-shirt brigade. No matter the time the temperature or the weather, these people (myself included) are dressed for comfort. I can't imagine sitting through a 3 hour class with a g-string and mini skirt is all the comfy. But it amuses me to no end when winter comes. They will be outside wearing this stuff and freezing their cooches off.

Then the men will come to me *beats chest* For MY cooch is warm and toasty! Come all of you into my Cooch of Fire! I shall roast marshmallows and serenade your eyes!

*nicely meaning skank-tastic

Alcohol is good in so many ways

Read in the Toronto Sun today about 2 people charged in the killing of a homeless person. (That's the politically correct term now right? I am not allowed to say "Human refuse"? or "Rat-attractor"?)
The two people were also "Domicile inhibited".
The opening line in the article was:

2 homeless people charged in slaying at a rubbing alcohol party gone wrong.

Ummmmmm, okay.

Since I have never been to a good rubbing alcohol party, (I blame it on my mom, she never introduced me to the 'right' people), good or bad, I cannot be sure what about this party made it bad.

Were there no finger foods?
Were there finger foods and napkins were not provided?
Was the music in poor taste?
Did that quiet girl from accounting have a little too much to drink and throw herself at the ugliest guy in the room? Give him a lapdance?

Or was it the fact that it was a party that somehow revolved around rubbing alcohol???
Since the newspaper statement was so ambiguous, I can only assume someone showed up at the 'rubbing alcohol party' with the wrong kind of rubbing alcohol. Like the Presidents choice brand.
It would be as if i went to a fancy wine party and brought wine in a box and put it beside the vintage 1922 Bordeaux.
'What a faux pas' they whisper behind my back. Oh I can hear them, thinking they are so special.





*Now this does not mean I am making light of the fact that a woman died. This is a ??? against the people who write the newspaper.

lava burns!

Since I have literally holed myself in my house for the past week, nothing has much pissed me off. Oh yeah, except for lavalife.

Some excerpts of the 'lines' guys have tried on me.

-Hey there angel, you got any nude pics you wanna trade?
-Sweetie, are you bored? would you like to do some naughty with me?
-You up for some cam/phone talk?
-Hey, I would treat you like a princess and lick you wherever you want

those are opening lines

Have these worked for them? i am thinking not. Which is good, cuz if they did, then these guys might breed.

I had one lovely gentlman, when i asked if Les paul made bass guitars say to me:
"Les Paul makes guitars. I play bass. Stick with what you know honey, like sucking cock"

I was frankly quite surprised that someone would find this appropriate to say. Then it occured to me, he would never say it to a woman in person. Because this type of guy is pathetic and probably lives in his mom's basement trying on her clothes when she goes shopping. And when she comes home early and catches him she is not really that surprised because her angel has always been 'special'.
When i very nicely (okay maybe not nicely) called him a horrible jerkass who needed to be slapped in the face with a trout, he then proceeded to tell me he wasn't that interested in me to begin with.

Why do guys do that?
"I like ya baby. What say you and me go back to my place and get 'er done?" *wink and the gun*
"Um, no thank you"
"Thats okay baby, i didnt really want you anyway."

Bullshit. This is a pathetic attempt to save your ego. So what if the chick doesnt dig you? Who cares if you are embarrassed for a minute? Let me tell you somethign gentlemen, if you were to just walk away and say sorry, she wouldnt mind. If you pull that other crap, just know that now she and ALL her friends will know what a huge loser you are.

Oh that's right. We DO talk about this stuff with our friends. And then we laugh at you and come up with some sort of nic name.

"Oh Janis! Did you see that guy that hit on me the other day? He's over by the bar"
"Who? Eve McFancypants? Oh yeah, he was a real swamp donkey"

Pearl Harbour in my stomach

ooooooooooh my tummy hurts so bad.

I ate at the food court at Masonville Mall on tuesday. I had wrangled my friend/babysitter to come with me and we were dead starving. I got a strawberry julius, the sexiest drink ever and I also got some Japanese teriyaki chicken thing from an unnamed place. (I am sure if you have ever frequented this mall you know where i am talking about).

About 4 hours later I got so sick it is amazing I am still alive. I think i vomited out my liver. I am still feeling like clown-ass, and here it is friday.

Two things about this are funny but not in a ha-ha way.

1. About 9 years ago I was visiting back home (Ottawa) and also ate a japanese place in the food court. On my way back to my house (a 7 hour drive) I was so disgustingly sick that the drive actually took closer to 13 hours due to having to frequent the side of the road. I immediately went to hospital and they diagnosed me with sever food poisoning and i was admitted for 5 days. I actually got $2000 in compensation from this and had to fill out a shitload of forms.

2. I have a date tonight. Sort of.

Yes, I am a huge tool and decided to sign up to lavalife which i have previously mentioned. Surprisingly amidst the losers, creep-os and ass-burgalars, I found someone nice. We have chatted a tonne over the past week and he is driving up here to see me. I am torn as to how to feel about this. I feel like a huge weiner for even contemplating going online to find someone. But on the other hand my math brain won't turn off. I figure statistically speaking there has to be someone out there who is normal but just as frustrated as I am. I hold out an odd hope that I may meet them!
I highly doubt this guy is it as he is already doing a weird "Back off get your own sandwich!" type of deal and we havent even met yet. He says he is messed up from a previous relationship, (but seriously, who isn't?? I find this excuse trite and over used. It seems to be the major cop-out of choice along with "I am not ready for a relationship right now"), but yet has no problem partaking in my Garden of Eden. And oh, yes, that is what i call it. It pays tribute to my catholic-ness.
We shall see what happens. Assuming of course I do not vomit all over him, I am still looking forward to it.

My penis is bigger than your penis!

Its a bright and beautiful Wednesday morning. The second day of school. I am almost positive I will be playing hooky again today. Since I am in a first year program a lot of the first week of school is getting the wee puppies aka 18 year olds, acclimated to a new regime of educational system. Bathrooms on the left and no you do not have to raise your hand if you need to piss.

I drop my son off at the bus stop and i did my good deed for the day. Saw some new people waiting at the wrong spot and let them know. So I am free to be a bitch today. Karma will balance it for me.

I go to my car, my white car, to drive to the store. And what do i see? But a tonne of brown shit all over the roof and down the driver's side window. I had stupidly parked underneath a tree and the squirrels did an Elvis all over my car.

After returning, I stopped to talk with a friend. A brand-new, HUGE (are there any other kind) Hummer, bright yellow! comes rumbling up the parking lot. If there is any bigger display of ostentatious pseudo-power, I have yet to see it. In order to turn around the Hummer, he drives up, UP mind you, onto the curb, onto the grass and backs around.
I was suitably impressed.
Until I realized that this douchebag is driving a Hummer in the city. This is probably the most off-roading this machine will do while it is spewing toxic fumes into an already crappy city atmosphere. God forbid if he actually take sit out into the wilderness, he might scratch the paintjob. Did i mention it was bright yellow? So you can not possibly miss it as it is barreling towards you? Playing on its super powerful speakers Aerosmith? Showing the world what a cool-cat owner it has?

"Ha ha! I am better than you! I can afford the $80 in gas a day! I am a rich and powerful man! All hail the wonderfulness that is me and my gigantic penis! I must have one, for I drive a Hummer! Ladies! Step up and regard the enormity that is my cock! Suck it if you will. But you may have a hard time! As it is mighty like my Hummer!"

Beer shoes... Thats right...Beer shoes

So I went back home for the long weekend. This is some of the stuff that happened, but not neccessarily in the right order, in whatever order I remembered them in.

1. After a night of cavorting and drinking, I wake up the next morning and my friend (who's house I was staying at) asks me, quite serioulsy i might add:
"M, do you want to go to blah blah restaurant for brunch? We can get some soup"

For a change I was speechless. How oddly specific. Soup. At 10 am. On a Sunday morning. In Summer.
I would have had the exact sam ereaction if she had said :
"M, would you like to play tennis in our underwear? And then go get an ice cream?"

2. Whilest (I never tire of that word, it sounds so damn fancy!), my friend N and I were at the bar, a gentlman *cough use that word lightly* started hitting on me. He was the drunk kind of tourist. The kind that mumbled and spit when he talked. He annoyed me so I chastized him for said spitting and mumbling and told him to go away. He then proceeded to
on purpose
Pour his bottle of beer on my shoes!
I was stunned! I was amazed! I was........what the fuck is that?? Seriously? Did you just pour your beer on my fucking SHOES??
My lovely friend Dave, told him to bugger off. He wouldnt.
Dave then told him again. (At this point Dave is looking very sexy to me. See previous post on romance novels!)
He still wouldnt leave. I then get over my stunned-ed-ness and say:
"Buddy, do me a favour. The next time you see your mom? Tell her she did a piss poor job raising you!"
Dave tells me after that he tried very hard not to laugh at that. Because i said it so seriously.
Dave then told him he had 3 seconds to piss off before he hurt him. The little woman in me sighed. It was very romantic.

3. Burned my back twice. Damn sun, thinking it's so hot.

4. Signed up for Lavalife. I am not quite sure why except that it amuses me whilest (there it is again! hee hee!) i am without cable. More on lavalife later. Just knw that it is like shopping in a catalogue. And everything you see is shit.