The List

So I was reading another blog and i discovered that it can be very theraputic to make a List of all the things about your ex that drove you nuts. And in moments of weakness, to read said list to remind you why they are 'ex'. So in the efforts of trying to 'get over him', (which i have so far been doing a fantastic job doing by 1. sleeping with a new guy 2. flirting with a new guy and 3. flirting with one of his friends that i used to date a looooooooong time ago) i have decided to do:

My reason's why I now hate Cheater McFucknuts aka Ryan R.

1. Well, he cheated on me. With a twinkie. With a younger twinkie that he is the boss of at work. which brings me to
2. No boundaries. This guy could not understand that i needed some 'me' time. It always had to be 'us' time. Surprisingly 'us' time always turned into 'us' spending time at his friends houses where he could smoke weed and leave me to sit alone counting how many rose clusters there were on the wallpaper in a room 12x14x20. With 3 large for every 2 feet and 6 small. Minus the 2 doors and one window.
3. he hated peas. Who the fuck hates peas? They come in a cool litle carrying case! The snap when you bite into them! They are green and healthy!
4. He hated soup and sandwiches. Which pretty much fucked any and all lunch plans or dates we could have ever gone on
5. He hated how i was smarter than him at some things. And felt the need to constantly put me down for it. He tried so desparately to show he could match my intelligence by touting facts about crap that he knows. Unfortunately no one gives a hooker's skanky crotch care for what the mayans did in times of war for hygiene. Excet maybe the mayans. And they're all dead. So obviously what they were doing didnt work so well
6. He pouted. There is nothing more sad in this world than seeing a 29 year old man pouting. I mean full blown bottom lip sticking out, arms crossed whiny sulk pouting. I suppose it didnt help matters that when he did this i laughed at him and told him he looked like a 3 yr old.
7. Bragged about things that he should not have bragged about, Like his ratty ass jeep which was totally falling apart and had no brakes and stalled if you took your foot off the gas pedal (which led to some tricky times when driving in the city). Goooooood lord, you would think that no one in the WHOLE world had a better jeep than him.
8. Bad breath. All the time.
9. Ugly ass tattoos that can qualify as #7 also. Looked like a Taiwan hooker on crack did those right after she got her arm re-attached following a bad guerilla attack.
10. Almost, but not quite did what i like during sex. I think that was more frustrating. That he was almost there, but not quite. So i always wondered if THIS was the day he would do EXACTLY what i liked.
11. Put down my accomplishments. And since there are so few of them, it would have been nice to have had some appreciation
12. Had a threesome with my best friends g/f. Not cool. I dont care you didnt know who she was at the time. So not cool
13. Always got drunk and made me drive his ass around. Oh Brooke and Joe, I am so sorry one of your grooms men decided to pass out in the parking lot at 10 PM on your wedding day. Thats just the way he is:
14. selfish. wow. i mean holy shit. His momma gave him an unreasonable expectation of how awesome he is. So he expects things. He is not awesome. Not even close. Not even in a Macauley Culkin used to be awesome back in '92 kinda way. I mean, pathetic attempt at a human being awesome. Like MC Hammer. Or Jewel.
15. Downloaded spyware on my laptop. Fucker
16.Thought those pop-up ads (You are the one millionth person to visit ths site! Click here for your prize!) were real and had himself and his family convinced he had won a trip to Jamaica. Was very argumentative when i explained in detail how stupid he was. I did not say stupid, but i suppose it may have been implied. Dumbass
17. Abanodened my kid who had grown to love him over the 2 years we were together. I wanted to put this as #1, but it still bothers me and i dont want to talk about it
18. His face is not that attractive. Unless you like Shar-peis. Those wrinkly dogs where their faces are all screwed up. He always thought of himself as being handsome. When he told me this, I laughed so hard i think i saw through time.
19. Owes me a lot of money still . I dont think i am going to see that. Besides, i think he will need it more than i will. Antibiotics are expensive. When you date a kitchen whore, dont be surprised when the doc says "You have an infection in your penis." God i hope it hurts and oozes.
20. No sense of humour. None. he thought he was so funny. I dont think in 2 years the guy ever made me split a gut laughing.

Okay. Thats not too bad. I enjoyed that. I think it really did make me feel better. Looks like Cosmo can be right about some stuff besides "14 ways to make your lover crave you from across the ocean while on vacation with your family and pets".