Yes, I have been ridiculously lax with the blog in the past month. Updates are required you demand! Far be it for me to deny the public what it craves.
-Barely making it through school.I have made an early new years resolution. Next semester I will actually go to class and do my homework on time. (Though it does make me wonder as I only attended Health and Safety 3 times and those were for the tests. I managed to get an 86%)
-Realized the teachers I hate now, I am stuck with for the next 2.5 years. Its not like Libs where I never go the same one twice. So I must suck it up and learn to "kiss ass". Have been looking for a Dummies book to assist me in this.
-BF and I still okay. (I think). Though he has gotten mucho moody lately and I constantly feel like he is going to dump me.
-My wee lad has come out with several lovely tidbits of information recently, the one today being: "Mom! I know what Jesus' last name is! Crime! His name is Jesus Crime"
Which frankly I found pretty cool if not entirely accurate. Think of how many people would be Catholic if his name WAS Jesus Crime. Fighting the devil in a snappy leotard and cape.
-Decorated the apt for the holidays and it looks as if Santa himself vomited in here.
-School done on Friday, which I am severaly grateful for. I needs a break. All this engineering stuff makes my brain hurt. I mean, who freaking cares if I forget to underline the heading? Or put the arrows in a counter clockwise direction? Well, my one teacher does! He is like a chart nazi. Purging the world of unaesthetic surveys. He and Jesus Crime should team up. Imagine what they could do!!
-Dumbass from class, finally dropped out. Thank the Lord. He was amusing though. What with his 3 alternating t-shirts and constant need to leave class and anounce why.
-Stopped talking to my mom again. I think this time for good. That woman is nuts. Also got into a fight with the only sister I speak with. Don't see me speaking with her any time soon either. My sister in law took it upon herself to yell at me too. I would like to think that I am blameless here, but I know I am not. But nor will I take all the blame which is what they expect me to do. For a bunch of people who have no concern for my or my sons well being, they certainly have a lot of advice as to how I am screwing up my life.
-My friend's baby due date is slowly appoaching; making me very happy to have a lttle one to cuddle again. Mine doesnt let me. *sigh*
I will admit here though, in front of all 3 people who read this, that I was wrong. I thought the hoochies at school would have moved onto the jogging pant look by now. They have not. They are still wearing the most inappropriate clothing for the weather and socialization of a college.
It was -a billion the other day, with a dump of 20 cm of snow, winds gusting to 70km, blowing said snow around, and these weiner dogs are wearing mini skirts, and 'cute' hats and mittens. The kind that make their head look sexy but won't keep their heads warm? Yeah, i cant describe how sexy these ladies look with ice stuck to their legs, hair frozen and bright red drippy noses. Oh Baby Oh Baby!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
potpourri #jesus fish
So today is the big day.
The day where I have to stand in a very cold field and survery for 3 hours. Then go to computer class, then to a 4 hour test which i am not prepared for.
Ah, the joys of post secondary school education.
I saw a girl yesterday at the college wearing a dress made out of duct tape. I am not sure how this relates to halloween except that she must have been looking for a reason to wear it. Too bad she didn't pick a Christmas party. The colour was more appropriate for the season.
Also saw a girl dressed as 'emo' with fake cut marks on her wrists and carrying a copy of Catcher in the Rye.
Have resumed elevator travels, though with the thought of always being trapped again in mind. I won't get on if there are more than 2 people. And not if they have on perfume.
Large sinkhole in the middle of downtown london. It is the size of a swimming pool. The powers that be have already started pointing fingers forgetting the rule of 4 pointing back at you when you do that. They are blaming the government for not allotting more funds to fixing ths kind of crap.
I wonder, could this particular sinkhole have been averted with the funds from the metal trees they decided to plant everywhere?
Oh you heard me. Metal trees. They make the downtown core look forest-y without the hassle of having to care for REAL trees that provide shade and oxygen. You remember oxygen? That stuff we need to breathe?
Bright side!
As we lay dying in the streets from lack of clean air, we can gaze upon the purple monstrosity that is a 'tree'. While thinking about taking a swim in the sinkhole.
Heard a bus driver on a rant yesterday. I was just about to get on when I heard him bitching to a fellow driver. Apparently a glass bottle was loose on the bus and finally smashed at one point, right near the front. According to the driver those people on the bus were a bunch of: welfare degenerates who are blind as well as ugly.
So you can imagine what i was expecting to see when i got on.
Damned if he wasn't right. That was the ugliest group of people I have ever seen congregated in one spot. And yes, as far as superficialities go, they did look welfare-y.
The bright side?
It's not often I feel i am the best looking person in the room/bus. But I was yesterday! Like Elle freaking Macpherson. If elle macpherson was poor and had to go on the stupid bus.
Understanding his frustration, its not like he can stop his route to get up and pick up a loose bottle that any number of those uggo's could have. And because of that, there was smashed glass all over the handicapped spot. So he did have to get up and clean it.
Lesson here: When travelling with a bunch of neanderthalic-looking dregs of society, don't expect them to do anything other than sit there with a look of self-entitlement on their faces.
The day where I have to stand in a very cold field and survery for 3 hours. Then go to computer class, then to a 4 hour test which i am not prepared for.
Ah, the joys of post secondary school education.
I saw a girl yesterday at the college wearing a dress made out of duct tape. I am not sure how this relates to halloween except that she must have been looking for a reason to wear it. Too bad she didn't pick a Christmas party. The colour was more appropriate for the season.
Also saw a girl dressed as 'emo' with fake cut marks on her wrists and carrying a copy of Catcher in the Rye.
Have resumed elevator travels, though with the thought of always being trapped again in mind. I won't get on if there are more than 2 people. And not if they have on perfume.
Large sinkhole in the middle of downtown london. It is the size of a swimming pool. The powers that be have already started pointing fingers forgetting the rule of 4 pointing back at you when you do that. They are blaming the government for not allotting more funds to fixing ths kind of crap.
I wonder, could this particular sinkhole have been averted with the funds from the metal trees they decided to plant everywhere?
Oh you heard me. Metal trees. They make the downtown core look forest-y without the hassle of having to care for REAL trees that provide shade and oxygen. You remember oxygen? That stuff we need to breathe?
Bright side!
As we lay dying in the streets from lack of clean air, we can gaze upon the purple monstrosity that is a 'tree'. While thinking about taking a swim in the sinkhole.
Heard a bus driver on a rant yesterday. I was just about to get on when I heard him bitching to a fellow driver. Apparently a glass bottle was loose on the bus and finally smashed at one point, right near the front. According to the driver those people on the bus were a bunch of: welfare degenerates who are blind as well as ugly.
So you can imagine what i was expecting to see when i got on.
Damned if he wasn't right. That was the ugliest group of people I have ever seen congregated in one spot. And yes, as far as superficialities go, they did look welfare-y.
The bright side?
It's not often I feel i am the best looking person in the room/bus. But I was yesterday! Like Elle freaking Macpherson. If elle macpherson was poor and had to go on the stupid bus.
Understanding his frustration, its not like he can stop his route to get up and pick up a loose bottle that any number of those uggo's could have. And because of that, there was smashed glass all over the handicapped spot. So he did have to get up and clean it.
Lesson here: When travelling with a bunch of neanderthalic-looking dregs of society, don't expect them to do anything other than sit there with a look of self-entitlement on their faces.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Trapped in an elevator
I am going to try and stick to the actual story here. It was an awful day all around and this incident may have been flavoured with my bad mood.
First! I am horrible in social situations. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am not good with new people, stupid people or people who smell.
Second! I am an impatient bugger. When it comes to travelling I like to be where I am or where I am going. I do not like the in between.
Since my car had broken, Nana was nice enough to travel down here to pick us up and drive us back to K-town for the weekend. After I had picked up my wee lad off the bus, she met us downstairs and we got on the elevator.
Which proceeded to get stuck between floors.
Old lady:
Freaked out and stated hitting the buttons as many times as she could. I asked her not to do that as there was no point. She hit the alarm button which was working intermittently. I retrieved my cell phone to call the super and had to ask her to please stop whacking the alarm button while i was on the phone TRYING TO GET US HELP. After she glared at me and after I got off the phone, she returned to whacking it as often and as hard as she could. The super yelled at her to stop, that she knew we were stuck and to calmly wait.
She complained about her laundry, which she was sure someone was going to steal. After we had been stuck for about 15 minutes, she reached into her purse and got a pen. Trying to jam it into the door and pry it open, just proved that she obviously had taken no physics classes and had no idea about why there was a security latch on the door to begin with. I explain to her that prying the door open is a really bad idea.
Smelly lady:
Sat down after about 10 minutes. It was a good idea so the wee lad and i joined her. All of a sudden I hear a phlegm-y cough and look over to see her spit in her hand. (I may add that she is an obvious immigrant). She squints her eyes and peers at her hand very intensely. The offers these pearls of wisdom:
Ve vill be rescued in.......20 minutes by a, no two dark haired men.*
Wipes her spitty hand on her pants and look very impressed with herself.
She must have noticed the look of horror on both my and the wee lad's faces. She exlains that : Vhere I come from , this is magic
Did I just see that? Did this lady just hock a loogie in her and then read our future????
What country is this that she comes from???
I do not ever ever want to go there for a visit. It must be the grossest place in the whole world.
Mother-out-law:
Surprisingly, the least of the evils. I would have thought she would have been the one to almost make me want to electrocute myself. She was remarkably calm and awesome. Just goes to show that when trapped in an elevator, sometimes people dont suck.
So after sitting in the elevator for longer than should be humanly possible, we are finally rescued. Spending that amount of time in the company of a twit and a freak, my wee lad and my mother-out-law was enough to make me completely bi-polar.
This was the single most screwed up thing that I could possibly imagine happening. If i am ever trapped in one again, I shall look back on these memories with fondness and revulsion. Because how else do I want to remember the ethnic part of my adventure?
*My very white superintendent let us out.
First! I am horrible in social situations. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am not good with new people, stupid people or people who smell.
Second! I am an impatient bugger. When it comes to travelling I like to be where I am or where I am going. I do not like the in between.
Since my car had broken, Nana was nice enough to travel down here to pick us up and drive us back to K-town for the weekend. After I had picked up my wee lad off the bus, she met us downstairs and we got on the elevator.
Which proceeded to get stuck between floors.
Old lady:
Freaked out and stated hitting the buttons as many times as she could. I asked her not to do that as there was no point. She hit the alarm button which was working intermittently. I retrieved my cell phone to call the super and had to ask her to please stop whacking the alarm button while i was on the phone TRYING TO GET US HELP. After she glared at me and after I got off the phone, she returned to whacking it as often and as hard as she could. The super yelled at her to stop, that she knew we were stuck and to calmly wait.
She complained about her laundry, which she was sure someone was going to steal. After we had been stuck for about 15 minutes, she reached into her purse and got a pen. Trying to jam it into the door and pry it open, just proved that she obviously had taken no physics classes and had no idea about why there was a security latch on the door to begin with. I explain to her that prying the door open is a really bad idea.
Smelly lady:
Sat down after about 10 minutes. It was a good idea so the wee lad and i joined her. All of a sudden I hear a phlegm-y cough and look over to see her spit in her hand. (I may add that she is an obvious immigrant). She squints her eyes and peers at her hand very intensely. The offers these pearls of wisdom:
Ve vill be rescued in.......20 minutes by a, no two dark haired men.*
Wipes her spitty hand on her pants and look very impressed with herself.
She must have noticed the look of horror on both my and the wee lad's faces. She exlains that : Vhere I come from , this is magic
Did I just see that? Did this lady just hock a loogie in her and then read our future????
What country is this that she comes from???
I do not ever ever want to go there for a visit. It must be the grossest place in the whole world.
Mother-out-law:
Surprisingly, the least of the evils. I would have thought she would have been the one to almost make me want to electrocute myself. She was remarkably calm and awesome. Just goes to show that when trapped in an elevator, sometimes people dont suck.
So after sitting in the elevator for longer than should be humanly possible, we are finally rescued. Spending that amount of time in the company of a twit and a freak, my wee lad and my mother-out-law was enough to make me completely bi-polar.
This was the single most screwed up thing that I could possibly imagine happening. If i am ever trapped in one again, I shall look back on these memories with fondness and revulsion. Because how else do I want to remember the ethnic part of my adventure?
*My very white superintendent let us out.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Deep Thoughts
After my car died I have yet again experienced the joys of the London public Transit system.
I had to go to the mall last night for some last minute birthday stuff, and it finally occurred to me what the bus smells like.
I have, over the course of my bus travels, always detected an undertone of something. A' je ne sais quois' if you will. I have many a time tried to pinpoint exactly what the odour is to no avail.
But last night, I think I did it.
It's as if "Welfare" went to the "Sense of Entitlement" Restaurant and ate something bad and got a good case of the "Absence of dignity" bug.
The London Transit system smells like the absence of dignity.
*One would think that the absence of something could not possibly have a smell. One would be wrong.
I had to go to the mall last night for some last minute birthday stuff, and it finally occurred to me what the bus smells like.
I have, over the course of my bus travels, always detected an undertone of something. A' je ne sais quois' if you will. I have many a time tried to pinpoint exactly what the odour is to no avail.
But last night, I think I did it.
It's as if "Welfare" went to the "Sense of Entitlement" Restaurant and ate something bad and got a good case of the "Absence of dignity" bug.
The London Transit system smells like the absence of dignity.
*One would think that the absence of something could not possibly have a smell. One would be wrong.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Sex and Prunes
I just went grocery shopping and I saw the cutest thing.
2 people, older than God, were canoodling. I say canoodling because it sounds appropriate when describing 80 year olds making out in public. At first they were holding hands when i occasionally crossed them in the aisles. They ended up behind me in line and the gentleman started nuzzling her neck. She giggled like a little girl and the cashier and i both smiled. Then, I shit you not, the lady grabbed his bum.
At this point, I am thinking......weird. They must not be married. No couple married that long acts like that in public. Most old people i see are cranky and pissy all the time. From bursitis or whatever it is that old people get. So I figured that either or both of them are married, but not to each other. This is their 'dalliance'. They go shopping for prunes and ovaltine together.
Another lady, and i hate to use the term 'low class' but it applies here, was out with her friend shopping. They pretty much followed me on my trek and I learned these things about her:
-she can only eat roma tomatoes cuz the other kinds give her gas (produce)
-she has a bad shoulder so she had to get anyone in her vicinity to reach stuff for her
-her daughter is in school for nursing and she thinks its a waste of time (medicine aisle)
-her cat is shedding hair like crazy (pet aisle)
-she is lactose intolerant and doesnt like the soy milk (dairy)
-she just got her check in and thinks she is getting ripped off by her case worker (check out)
All these things were said loudly and in great detail. At one point she ran into me with her cart. When i yelped she looked at me and continued on talking about her cat. She was dressed in 1980's. Very chic.
My car is completely dead now. I have to go and gather all my shit out of it and get a wreckers to come and pick it up. I have learned very valuable lessons from this. I spent $2500 on it one year ago and was told it would last for at least 3 years. In the past year i have spent about $1500 fixing crap on it.
-don't trust people when they say "Oh its a great car! Will last you long time!"
-When the radiator blows up it smells really bad and things start smoking
-when your struts and cv joint go, the car shudders and it feels like the wheel is about to fall off.
-if there is a leak in the exhaust, the car smells like ass
-I cant live without a car. The transit system blows and cabs smell funny.
2 people, older than God, were canoodling. I say canoodling because it sounds appropriate when describing 80 year olds making out in public. At first they were holding hands when i occasionally crossed them in the aisles. They ended up behind me in line and the gentleman started nuzzling her neck. She giggled like a little girl and the cashier and i both smiled. Then, I shit you not, the lady grabbed his bum.
At this point, I am thinking......weird. They must not be married. No couple married that long acts like that in public. Most old people i see are cranky and pissy all the time. From bursitis or whatever it is that old people get. So I figured that either or both of them are married, but not to each other. This is their 'dalliance'. They go shopping for prunes and ovaltine together.
Another lady, and i hate to use the term 'low class' but it applies here, was out with her friend shopping. They pretty much followed me on my trek and I learned these things about her:
-she can only eat roma tomatoes cuz the other kinds give her gas (produce)
-she has a bad shoulder so she had to get anyone in her vicinity to reach stuff for her
-her daughter is in school for nursing and she thinks its a waste of time (medicine aisle)
-her cat is shedding hair like crazy (pet aisle)
-she is lactose intolerant and doesnt like the soy milk (dairy)
-she just got her check in and thinks she is getting ripped off by her case worker (check out)
All these things were said loudly and in great detail. At one point she ran into me with her cart. When i yelped she looked at me and continued on talking about her cat. She was dressed in 1980's. Very chic.
My car is completely dead now. I have to go and gather all my shit out of it and get a wreckers to come and pick it up. I have learned very valuable lessons from this. I spent $2500 on it one year ago and was told it would last for at least 3 years. In the past year i have spent about $1500 fixing crap on it.
-don't trust people when they say "Oh its a great car! Will last you long time!"
-When the radiator blows up it smells really bad and things start smoking
-when your struts and cv joint go, the car shudders and it feels like the wheel is about to fall off.
-if there is a leak in the exhaust, the car smells like ass
-I cant live without a car. The transit system blows and cabs smell funny.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
potpourri
-still happy with the S-man. (Is that a good code for him? S-dawg? Prince-"finally realized how awesome I am and is building an ark in my honour"? Hows about just Sam. He shall henceforth be known as Sam, unless he does something that really pisses me off)
He went to the strippers again last night. Since he msn'd me at 130am, i can only assume he had a good time. Maybe he met some hot stripper and decided he wants her more and ditches me for a pair of DD's and a weave. I have no self esteem. Its sad really.
-cat is still weird. No dead animals yet. She has gotten back into her old habit of hiding things. She hid a certain something of mine that made me very cranky for a few days.
-had turkey dinner with Sam's family. They are the nicest looking family I have ever seen. Polite too. I felt uncomfortable and intrusive. But Sam did a good job of sticking by me and not letting me hide out. He kept introducing me as his 'friend'. He kept emphasizing that i was his 'friend'. At my age, the term girlfriend sounds really grade-9ish, but I didnt fancy the 'friend' title either. I am going to give this considerable thought and come up with a term that makes me happy. So far I have come up with Goddess. "Hi mom, this is M, my goddess"
-freaking cold now which makes my survery class a pain. We have to tromp around in a field for 3 hours. Did i mention my shoes are broken? If it is even slightly wet it goes into my feet and stays there all day.
- I now know 5 songs on the violin. I am learning at a fast rate, but my fingers arent strong enough to make it sound good.
-My super friend is expecting a baby in February and I cant wait. I am really excited for her. Mostly for me. I get to buy baby clothes again. On one hand baby clothes are really cute, on the other they are a little creepy. Being so small I feel like a giant. Like a friendly giant who makes me dolls sit in wee tiny rocking chairs while i play my recorder.
He went to the strippers again last night. Since he msn'd me at 130am, i can only assume he had a good time. Maybe he met some hot stripper and decided he wants her more and ditches me for a pair of DD's and a weave. I have no self esteem. Its sad really.
-cat is still weird. No dead animals yet. She has gotten back into her old habit of hiding things. She hid a certain something of mine that made me very cranky for a few days.
-had turkey dinner with Sam's family. They are the nicest looking family I have ever seen. Polite too. I felt uncomfortable and intrusive. But Sam did a good job of sticking by me and not letting me hide out. He kept introducing me as his 'friend'. He kept emphasizing that i was his 'friend'. At my age, the term girlfriend sounds really grade-9ish, but I didnt fancy the 'friend' title either. I am going to give this considerable thought and come up with a term that makes me happy. So far I have come up with Goddess. "Hi mom, this is M, my goddess"
-freaking cold now which makes my survery class a pain. We have to tromp around in a field for 3 hours. Did i mention my shoes are broken? If it is even slightly wet it goes into my feet and stays there all day.
- I now know 5 songs on the violin. I am learning at a fast rate, but my fingers arent strong enough to make it sound good.
-My super friend is expecting a baby in February and I cant wait. I am really excited for her. Mostly for me. I get to buy baby clothes again. On one hand baby clothes are really cute, on the other they are a little creepy. Being so small I feel like a giant. Like a friendly giant who makes me dolls sit in wee tiny rocking chairs while i play my recorder.
When I grow up I wanna be this guy!
Yo Homey
-This guy has 3 t-shirts. Black, white and blue. We have started taking bets on which one on which day. He is a tall and skinny white guy. Very white. His pants hang down on his knees and the shirts are huge on him. He is a fairly stupid boy and if attends class, causes so much commotion as to be very entertaining. I think he has ADD as he cannot sit still, nor can he shut up for more than 2 minutes. He has interupted the teachers so many times to ask them random questions. "Where is my book?", "When's the next test?"
In survery class I was chatting with my 2 partners. I found him staring at me in a very creepy manner.
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Huh?"
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Cuz ur talking"
M:"Yeah, well I am not talking to you, so if you could please not stare at me that would be great"
H:"OH! Ur one a those bitchy chicks"
M:"Well, I am usually a bitch when someone is staring at me for no good reason"
H:"Time of the month eh?" *looks at my partners and winks conspiratorally at them. They look baffled and slightly afraid. They keep glancing at me*
M:"Mmmmmm. Really. Well, I will tell you what. Hows about you stop staring at me, and I will go over here and make fun of you quietly instead of to your face. Deal?"
H:"Fuck you"
At this point my 2 partners grab me and hussle me away.
They both noticed that he was staring at me in a creepy manner but did nothing. They said they figured I could handle myself. On one hand I feel great knowing they think I can handle jack-offs myself. On the other hand, I want to be rescued dammit. Go punch him in the eye and look majestically around. Let me fawn over your super muscles and praise your courage. I want to be a goddamn fairy princess with sparkly hair and a heart of gold! I want a fluffy pink dress and a white pony! Someone rescue me for fuck sakes.
Apparently girls who swear like sailors and act like guys ( ie burp and then laugh maniacally) does not bring forth feelings of gallantry.
How did this guy get into college and I feel very good knowing that he wont be around next semester. If he is there is somethign seriously wrong with our educational system.
-This guy has 3 t-shirts. Black, white and blue. We have started taking bets on which one on which day. He is a tall and skinny white guy. Very white. His pants hang down on his knees and the shirts are huge on him. He is a fairly stupid boy and if attends class, causes so much commotion as to be very entertaining. I think he has ADD as he cannot sit still, nor can he shut up for more than 2 minutes. He has interupted the teachers so many times to ask them random questions. "Where is my book?", "When's the next test?"
In survery class I was chatting with my 2 partners. I found him staring at me in a very creepy manner.
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Huh?"
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Cuz ur talking"
M:"Yeah, well I am not talking to you, so if you could please not stare at me that would be great"
H:"OH! Ur one a those bitchy chicks"
M:"Well, I am usually a bitch when someone is staring at me for no good reason"
H:"Time of the month eh?" *looks at my partners and winks conspiratorally at them. They look baffled and slightly afraid. They keep glancing at me*
M:"Mmmmmm. Really. Well, I will tell you what. Hows about you stop staring at me, and I will go over here and make fun of you quietly instead of to your face. Deal?"
H:"Fuck you"
At this point my 2 partners grab me and hussle me away.
They both noticed that he was staring at me in a creepy manner but did nothing. They said they figured I could handle myself. On one hand I feel great knowing they think I can handle jack-offs myself. On the other hand, I want to be rescued dammit. Go punch him in the eye and look majestically around. Let me fawn over your super muscles and praise your courage. I want to be a goddamn fairy princess with sparkly hair and a heart of gold! I want a fluffy pink dress and a white pony! Someone rescue me for fuck sakes.
Apparently girls who swear like sailors and act like guys ( ie burp and then laugh maniacally) does not bring forth feelings of gallantry.
How did this guy get into college and I feel very good knowing that he wont be around next semester. If he is there is somethign seriously wrong with our educational system.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
East Indians have super hearing
So one of my computer teachers is a lady.
I have no idea what her religion/race is, but she wears those long flowing dress thingers and a scarf-y thinger on her head.
So after she came over to answer a question I had, I watch her walk back to the front of the classroom. I then turn to K who sits beside me and whisper:
M:I dont think she should be teaching computers if she is illiterate
K:What? how do you know she is illiterate?
M: Well, she obviously didnt read the 4 million signs around the college asking people not to wear perfume because of allergies. I mean, fuck, how much of that does she spray on?
K: hahahahahahahahahaha oh shit, I think she heard you
I turn around and there she is 20 feet away GLARING at me.
How the hell did she hear me? She has a scarf thinger covering her ears AND she was 20 feet away AND i was whispering!
I can't hear shit if i have my hood up on my coat. That lady should trade her stuff in and get a spandex suit. With a sparkly pink cape.
I have no idea what her religion/race is, but she wears those long flowing dress thingers and a scarf-y thinger on her head.
So after she came over to answer a question I had, I watch her walk back to the front of the classroom. I then turn to K who sits beside me and whisper:
M:I dont think she should be teaching computers if she is illiterate
K:What? how do you know she is illiterate?
M: Well, she obviously didnt read the 4 million signs around the college asking people not to wear perfume because of allergies. I mean, fuck, how much of that does she spray on?
K: hahahahahahahahahaha oh shit, I think she heard you
I turn around and there she is 20 feet away GLARING at me.
How the hell did she hear me? She has a scarf thinger covering her ears AND she was 20 feet away AND i was whispering!
I can't hear shit if i have my hood up on my coat. That lady should trade her stuff in and get a spandex suit. With a sparkly pink cape.
Math class #1
Now this is retard math. I swear. We learned this shit back in grades 9-11. And yet somehow, these guys (fresh out of high school) are still having problems.
Could it be the teachers thick accent? It could. He pronounces denominator....dee-numerator. And algebraically...algi-brickly.
Or could it be that most of these guys are used to being the center of attention?
Today:
Prof: Please, guys, there are 94 of you in class. I am here to teach you. If you have problems with your test results, make an app't with me. I can't spend valuable class time explaining what you did wrong.
Retard#1: Yeah, but all I wanted to know was how to get the answer for #4 on it.
Prof: Like i said. Even if i gave every one of you one minute of class time, it would take 2 classes! Look online for the answers, and if you still have a problem, come see me after.
Retard#2: Well, I get that, but how are we supposed to go to the next unit if we dont understand where we went wrong?
Prof: Because this IS a new unit. We are learning something NEW. It has nothing to do with the last unit.
Retard#1: I agree with retard#2! I want to know how to fix our mistakes.
Prof: I know! But I am sick of this conversation. Now onto algi-brickly expressions.
Retard#1: Okay then, how would i have solved #4 on the test algebraically?
Retard#2: Yeah!
Prof: Question 4 asked for 1/4-1/8. It has nothing to DO woth algebra.
Retard#1: I don't think you are a very good teacher. My teacher back in highschool would have helped.
Prof: In case you havent noticed you are not in highschool. If your old teacher was so good, call him up and ask him to help you figure out your poor test results.
During this whole conversation, the rest of us are hooting and hollering, telling the Tard twins to shut up, and getting overall annoyed.
My cat just ate 3 q-tips. I technically should have made her stop, but i was curious as to how many she would eat.
Could it be the teachers thick accent? It could. He pronounces denominator....dee-numerator. And algebraically...algi-brickly.
Or could it be that most of these guys are used to being the center of attention?
Today:
Prof: Please, guys, there are 94 of you in class. I am here to teach you. If you have problems with your test results, make an app't with me. I can't spend valuable class time explaining what you did wrong.
Retard#1: Yeah, but all I wanted to know was how to get the answer for #4 on it.
Prof: Like i said. Even if i gave every one of you one minute of class time, it would take 2 classes! Look online for the answers, and if you still have a problem, come see me after.
Retard#2: Well, I get that, but how are we supposed to go to the next unit if we dont understand where we went wrong?
Prof: Because this IS a new unit. We are learning something NEW. It has nothing to do with the last unit.
Retard#1: I agree with retard#2! I want to know how to fix our mistakes.
Prof: I know! But I am sick of this conversation. Now onto algi-brickly expressions.
Retard#1: Okay then, how would i have solved #4 on the test algebraically?
Retard#2: Yeah!
Prof: Question 4 asked for 1/4-1/8. It has nothing to DO woth algebra.
Retard#1: I don't think you are a very good teacher. My teacher back in highschool would have helped.
Prof: In case you havent noticed you are not in highschool. If your old teacher was so good, call him up and ask him to help you figure out your poor test results.
During this whole conversation, the rest of us are hooting and hollering, telling the Tard twins to shut up, and getting overall annoyed.
My cat just ate 3 q-tips. I technically should have made her stop, but i was curious as to how many she would eat.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Haley's request
Lets see:
-My little sweetie decided that he missed me too much and needed to have me back. Could not possibly live without me. The sun stopped shining when i was not around. Birds pooped all over his car and he never won at scratch tickets. You may not be able to tell but my self esteem is feeling okay right now.
-Going back home for thanksgiving
-started to learn the violin. I can play 3 songs now. Jon says they all sound like Old McDonald. Neither of them are Old McDonald.
-My wee lad lost 2 baby teeth
And now onto the cat.
Somehow having her uterus pulled out gave her new and more unusual habits than before. She is dragging plastic bags around the apartment and then when she gets tired of it, will crawl into them and fall asleep. Nothing more has died, that I know of anyway. She very well could have buried them somewhere and they will appear on upcoming episodes of CSI.
-My little sweetie decided that he missed me too much and needed to have me back. Could not possibly live without me. The sun stopped shining when i was not around. Birds pooped all over his car and he never won at scratch tickets. You may not be able to tell but my self esteem is feeling okay right now.
-Going back home for thanksgiving
-started to learn the violin. I can play 3 songs now. Jon says they all sound like Old McDonald. Neither of them are Old McDonald.
-My wee lad lost 2 baby teeth
And now onto the cat.
Somehow having her uterus pulled out gave her new and more unusual habits than before. She is dragging plastic bags around the apartment and then when she gets tired of it, will crawl into them and fall asleep. Nothing more has died, that I know of anyway. She very well could have buried them somewhere and they will appear on upcoming episodes of CSI.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Part 3
I woke up this morning. Went over to the computer and turned it on
In my peripheral vision i noticed something out of place to my right.
I look over
I see a dead bird
On my livingroom floor
Mangled with feathers strewn all over
"huh" I said and turned back to the computer
Logged in
Thought to myself: "bird"
Looked ot the right again
and realized that i had a DEAD BIRD IN MY APARTMENT
Immediately got super grossed out
And realized my cat was more pissed off with me than i thought
I am afraid of what it will be next and where she will put it
I live in fear of a 5 lb cat and her type of street justice
In my peripheral vision i noticed something out of place to my right.
I look over
I see a dead bird
On my livingroom floor
Mangled with feathers strewn all over
"huh" I said and turned back to the computer
Logged in
Thought to myself: "bird"
Looked ot the right again
and realized that i had a DEAD BIRD IN MY APARTMENT
Immediately got super grossed out
And realized my cat was more pissed off with me than i thought
I am afraid of what it will be next and where she will put it
I live in fear of a 5 lb cat and her type of street justice
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Part 2
They told me to keep my cat calm. How in tarnation were they expecting me to do that? My cat is a spaz. Either way, I had the best sleep of my night last night. No yowling. It was wonderful.
She is not doing anything except hiding and sleeping right now. Took me forever just to find her cowering under my bed. I think she is pissed at me, for which i do not blame her.
If someone shoved me into a crate thing and forced me to get my uterus pulled out without asking, I would be pretty darn pissed off too.
I get pissed off that I am forced to brush my teeth everyday. I mean, I ain't kissing no fools, who cares if i have fuzzy slippers on my bicuspids?
She is not doing anything except hiding and sleeping right now. Took me forever just to find her cowering under my bed. I think she is pissed at me, for which i do not blame her.
If someone shoved me into a crate thing and forced me to get my uterus pulled out without asking, I would be pretty darn pissed off too.
I get pissed off that I am forced to brush my teeth everyday. I mean, I ain't kissing no fools, who cares if i have fuzzy slippers on my bicuspids?
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Ramblings & a cats' uteruses (or is that uterii??)
okay let's see..what's new, what's new.......*looks around and picks nose*
-Well, i am officially the only female in my program of 93 guys. That is somewhat disconcerting. I believe that Liberal Arts education of mine should come in handy with trying to figure these little fuckers out. That or i can just throw some porn at them and watch the hilarity ensue.
-I am coming down with a cold. Thanks a lot Jon, you suck.
-I am out of osap. But i did manage to pay the cable compnay enough that i should be turned back on soon. (In time for Heroes!!!)
-Going to the Sens game on tuesday with Jon. If this cold wrecks my experience in any way you will be able to recognize Jon because he will be the man with no testicles. Oh and he will have on a Sens jersey.
-Oj Simpson has been arrested. Thats good news. He can share a cell with Michael Vick and talk of times long past. I wonder which of them would be the bitch? Aren't female dogs bitches? Then i suppose by irony alone, Vick would be the bitch.
-I just sneezed again. This is not looking good. If anyone has any suggestions about how i may get revenge on Jon, I would really appreciate them.
My cat is getting fixed tomorrow! This may sound like something odd to get excited about , but if any of you have ever had to try and sleep through that 'yowling' that they do, you will understand that for the abscence of a very sharp knife, i would have cut her uterus out myself.
She has this thing where she will sliiiiiiide up to you and start molesting your foot. Its quite creepy. And if you pick her up and throw her across the room so hard your arm actually pops and gets sore? She will just come right back on over and start doing it again! If you move three feet to the left, she will just sliiiiiiide with you. If you lock her in the closet and try to ignore her for a few days, well, she will just yowl louder until the neighbours think you are practicing the violin. And when you let her out? She looks at you and laughs! And then sliiiides over.
If you accidentally kick her in the head trying to move her? She just comes back again. If you kind of throw her not on purpose mind, off the balcony and onto someone else's hoping they will have to put up with her, she will find her way home! If you throw her into a bathtub with a toaster? She comes back as a horny zombie and sliiiiiides over to your foot and starts molestng it again! True story!
So hopefully tomorrow the great and powerful Oz-vet will fix this whole problem. And I shall yet again be able to enjoy a full night's sleep. And wher the only yowling you will hear will be mine.
-Well, i am officially the only female in my program of 93 guys. That is somewhat disconcerting. I believe that Liberal Arts education of mine should come in handy with trying to figure these little fuckers out. That or i can just throw some porn at them and watch the hilarity ensue.
-I am coming down with a cold. Thanks a lot Jon, you suck.
-I am out of osap. But i did manage to pay the cable compnay enough that i should be turned back on soon. (In time for Heroes!!!)
-Going to the Sens game on tuesday with Jon. If this cold wrecks my experience in any way you will be able to recognize Jon because he will be the man with no testicles. Oh and he will have on a Sens jersey.
-Oj Simpson has been arrested. Thats good news. He can share a cell with Michael Vick and talk of times long past. I wonder which of them would be the bitch? Aren't female dogs bitches? Then i suppose by irony alone, Vick would be the bitch.
-I just sneezed again. This is not looking good. If anyone has any suggestions about how i may get revenge on Jon, I would really appreciate them.
My cat is getting fixed tomorrow! This may sound like something odd to get excited about , but if any of you have ever had to try and sleep through that 'yowling' that they do, you will understand that for the abscence of a very sharp knife, i would have cut her uterus out myself.
She has this thing where she will sliiiiiiide up to you and start molesting your foot. Its quite creepy. And if you pick her up and throw her across the room so hard your arm actually pops and gets sore? She will just come right back on over and start doing it again! If you move three feet to the left, she will just sliiiiiiide with you. If you lock her in the closet and try to ignore her for a few days, well, she will just yowl louder until the neighbours think you are practicing the violin. And when you let her out? She looks at you and laughs! And then sliiiides over.
If you accidentally kick her in the head trying to move her? She just comes back again. If you kind of throw her not on purpose mind, off the balcony and onto someone else's hoping they will have to put up with her, she will find her way home! If you throw her into a bathtub with a toaster? She comes back as a horny zombie and sliiiiiides over to your foot and starts molestng it again! True story!
So hopefully tomorrow the great and powerful Oz-vet will fix this whole problem. And I shall yet again be able to enjoy a full night's sleep. And wher the only yowling you will hear will be mine.
Friday, September 14, 2007
vrooooooom!
A record $100 million dollar fine goes to Team MacLaren of some sort of racing thingy. They were using leaked secrets from Ferrari. Doesn't that sound dirty? Espionage is alive and well today Ladies and Gentlemen.
I have no idea what any of that meant. I read it in the paper and I though I would comment on it. How the hell do you pay a $100 million dollar fine? Can you do it in installments? Can you put that shit on your credit card? Or just an overall IOU. And who exactly gets this money? Is it Ferrari? I dont think so. Chances are it goes in to the fat cats' pockets; Or so I have heard.
Now I have never met a fat cat, but i imagine he would have on a dandy suit. With a pocket watch. And a vest. 
He would wash his hair in caviar and eat children for breakfast. His mother would feel neglected becasue he hasnt made it to Christmas in 7 years and she pines for grandbabies but knows she will not get them because he is so important.
He would wash his hair in caviar and eat children for breakfast. His mother would feel neglected becasue he hasnt made it to Christmas in 7 years and she pines for grandbabies but knows she will not get them because he is so important.Thursday, September 13, 2007
I am seriously going to rip my nose off
In the elevator yesterday and a gentleman joins me. Immediatley my eyes water, my throat burns and my nose starts dripping. He noticed my discomfort and asked if i was okay.
To which I reply
"Dude, how much of that shit did you put on? God!"
With a very calm and disinterested look:
"Oh I'm sorry"
Obvioulsy not sorry enough to get off the elevator jerkass!
If I was asthmatic I would have had an episode right there. Right there on that dirty ass floor. I would have turned blue and clutched my throat. I would have been gasping for breath, reaching towards him for some sort of help, pleading with my eyes. I would have died with the smell of Polo clogging my trachea.
And he would have calmly looked at me and said
"Oh I'm sorry"
To which I reply
"Dude, how much of that shit did you put on? God!"
With a very calm and disinterested look:
"Oh I'm sorry"
Obvioulsy not sorry enough to get off the elevator jerkass!
If I was asthmatic I would have had an episode right there. Right there on that dirty ass floor. I would have turned blue and clutched my throat. I would have been gasping for breath, reaching towards him for some sort of help, pleading with my eyes. I would have died with the smell of Polo clogging my trachea.
And he would have calmly looked at me and said
"Oh I'm sorry"
la la la la la la lala I feel pretty oh so pretty
Okay
I was trolling around the campus of my college yesterday, (loving the word 'trolling' right now, it has such nasty connotations) and I noticed something peculiar.
I am magic!
No seriously I am. Stop laughing.
I have the ability to discern what year of your program you are in based solely on what you are wearing. (This applies to girls only)
1st year!
-slutty at 7 am
2nd year +
-wearing the most comfortable clothes possible no matter the time.
Just try it, I won't even charge you money for the secret.
These little picadilly whores have on eyelash extensions, full makeup aka bar face, short skirts, skanky tops and impossible heels.
At 7am!!!!
" I just know if I dress nicely* someone will notice me and I will not need an education! I am only here to find a man to take care of me! Why else would I be dressed so nicely this early? I will probably end up dropping out as soon as I find a man or I screw up my grades becasue I have been so distratced by the cute guy in the corner! Oh poo, I just noticed I cant pay my rent this month because I spent all of my money on whore clothes. But they were so nice! I dress appropriately for my age! Someone will notice me! Right?"
I am a fan of the t-shirt brigade. No matter the time the temperature or the weather, these people (myself included) are dressed for comfort. I can't imagine sitting through a 3 hour class with a g-string and mini skirt is all the comfy. But it amuses me to no end when winter comes. They will be outside wearing this stuff and freezing their cooches off.
Then the men will come to me *beats chest* For MY cooch is warm and toasty! Come all of you into my Cooch of Fire! I shall roast marshmallows and serenade your eyes!
*nicely meaning skank-tastic
I was trolling around the campus of my college yesterday, (loving the word 'trolling' right now, it has such nasty connotations) and I noticed something peculiar.
I am magic!
No seriously I am. Stop laughing.
I have the ability to discern what year of your program you are in based solely on what you are wearing. (This applies to girls only)
1st year!
-slutty at 7 am
2nd year +
-wearing the most comfortable clothes possible no matter the time.
Just try it, I won't even charge you money for the secret.
These little picadilly whores have on eyelash extensions, full makeup aka bar face, short skirts, skanky tops and impossible heels.
At 7am!!!!
" I just know if I dress nicely* someone will notice me and I will not need an education! I am only here to find a man to take care of me! Why else would I be dressed so nicely this early? I will probably end up dropping out as soon as I find a man or I screw up my grades becasue I have been so distratced by the cute guy in the corner! Oh poo, I just noticed I cant pay my rent this month because I spent all of my money on whore clothes. But they were so nice! I dress appropriately for my age! Someone will notice me! Right?"
I am a fan of the t-shirt brigade. No matter the time the temperature or the weather, these people (myself included) are dressed for comfort. I can't imagine sitting through a 3 hour class with a g-string and mini skirt is all the comfy. But it amuses me to no end when winter comes. They will be outside wearing this stuff and freezing their cooches off.
Then the men will come to me *beats chest* For MY cooch is warm and toasty! Come all of you into my Cooch of Fire! I shall roast marshmallows and serenade your eyes!
*nicely meaning skank-tastic
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Alcohol is good in so many ways
Read in the Toronto Sun today about 2 people charged in the killing of a homeless person. (That's the politically correct term now right? I am not allowed to say "Human refuse"? or "Rat-attractor"?)
The two people were also "Domicile inhibited".
The opening line in the article was:
2 homeless people charged in slaying at a rubbing alcohol party gone wrong.
Ummmmmm, okay.
Since I have never been to a good rubbing alcohol party, (I blame it on my mom, she never introduced me to the 'right' people), good or bad, I cannot be sure what about this party made it bad.
Were there no finger foods?
Were there finger foods and napkins were not provided?
Was the music in poor taste?
Did that quiet girl from accounting have a little too much to drink and throw herself at the ugliest guy in the room? Give him a lapdance?
Or was it the fact that it was a party that somehow revolved around rubbing alcohol???
Since the newspaper statement was so ambiguous, I can only assume someone showed up at the 'rubbing alcohol party' with the wrong kind of rubbing alcohol. Like the Presidents choice brand.
It would be as if i went to a fancy wine party and brought wine in a box and put it beside the vintage 1922 Bordeaux.
'What a faux pas' they whisper behind my back. Oh I can hear them, thinking they are so special.
*Now this does not mean I am making light of the fact that a woman died. This is a ??? against the people who write the newspaper.
The two people were also "Domicile inhibited".
The opening line in the article was:
2 homeless people charged in slaying at a rubbing alcohol party gone wrong.
Ummmmmm, okay.
Since I have never been to a good rubbing alcohol party, (I blame it on my mom, she never introduced me to the 'right' people), good or bad, I cannot be sure what about this party made it bad.
Were there no finger foods?
Were there finger foods and napkins were not provided?
Was the music in poor taste?
Did that quiet girl from accounting have a little too much to drink and throw herself at the ugliest guy in the room? Give him a lapdance?
Or was it the fact that it was a party that somehow revolved around rubbing alcohol???
Since the newspaper statement was so ambiguous, I can only assume someone showed up at the 'rubbing alcohol party' with the wrong kind of rubbing alcohol. Like the Presidents choice brand.
It would be as if i went to a fancy wine party and brought wine in a box and put it beside the vintage 1922 Bordeaux.
'What a faux pas' they whisper behind my back. Oh I can hear them, thinking they are so special.
*Now this does not mean I am making light of the fact that a woman died. This is a ??? against the people who write the newspaper.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
lava burns!
Since I have literally holed myself in my house for the past week, nothing has much pissed me off. Oh yeah, except for lavalife.
Some excerpts of the 'lines' guys have tried on me.
-Hey there angel, you got any nude pics you wanna trade?
-Sweetie, are you bored? would you like to do some naughty with me?
-You up for some cam/phone talk?
-Hey, I would treat you like a princess and lick you wherever you want
those are opening lines
Have these worked for them? i am thinking not. Which is good, cuz if they did, then these guys might breed.
I had one lovely gentlman, when i asked if Les paul made bass guitars say to me:
"Les Paul makes guitars. I play bass. Stick with what you know honey, like sucking cock"
I was frankly quite surprised that someone would find this appropriate to say. Then it occured to me, he would never say it to a woman in person. Because this type of guy is pathetic and probably lives in his mom's basement trying on her clothes when she goes shopping. And when she comes home early and catches him she is not really that surprised because her angel has always been 'special'.
When i very nicely (okay maybe not nicely) called him a horrible jerkass who needed to be slapped in the face with a trout, he then proceeded to tell me he wasn't that interested in me to begin with.
Why do guys do that?
"I like ya baby. What say you and me go back to my place and get 'er done?" *wink and the gun*
"Um, no thank you"
"Thats okay baby, i didnt really want you anyway."
Bullshit. This is a pathetic attempt to save your ego. So what if the chick doesnt dig you? Who cares if you are embarrassed for a minute? Let me tell you somethign gentlemen, if you were to just walk away and say sorry, she wouldnt mind. If you pull that other crap, just know that now she and ALL her friends will know what a huge loser you are.
Oh that's right. We DO talk about this stuff with our friends. And then we laugh at you and come up with some sort of nic name.
"Oh Janis! Did you see that guy that hit on me the other day? He's over by the bar"
"Who? Eve McFancypants? Oh yeah, he was a real swamp donkey"
Some excerpts of the 'lines' guys have tried on me.
-Hey there angel, you got any nude pics you wanna trade?
-Sweetie, are you bored? would you like to do some naughty with me?
-You up for some cam/phone talk?
-Hey, I would treat you like a princess and lick you wherever you want
those are opening lines
Have these worked for them? i am thinking not. Which is good, cuz if they did, then these guys might breed.
I had one lovely gentlman, when i asked if Les paul made bass guitars say to me:
"Les Paul makes guitars. I play bass. Stick with what you know honey, like sucking cock"
I was frankly quite surprised that someone would find this appropriate to say. Then it occured to me, he would never say it to a woman in person. Because this type of guy is pathetic and probably lives in his mom's basement trying on her clothes when she goes shopping. And when she comes home early and catches him she is not really that surprised because her angel has always been 'special'.
When i very nicely (okay maybe not nicely) called him a horrible jerkass who needed to be slapped in the face with a trout, he then proceeded to tell me he wasn't that interested in me to begin with.
Why do guys do that?
"I like ya baby. What say you and me go back to my place and get 'er done?" *wink and the gun*
"Um, no thank you"
"Thats okay baby, i didnt really want you anyway."
Bullshit. This is a pathetic attempt to save your ego. So what if the chick doesnt dig you? Who cares if you are embarrassed for a minute? Let me tell you somethign gentlemen, if you were to just walk away and say sorry, she wouldnt mind. If you pull that other crap, just know that now she and ALL her friends will know what a huge loser you are.
Oh that's right. We DO talk about this stuff with our friends. And then we laugh at you and come up with some sort of nic name.
"Oh Janis! Did you see that guy that hit on me the other day? He's over by the bar"
"Who? Eve McFancypants? Oh yeah, he was a real swamp donkey"
Friday, September 7, 2007
Pearl Harbour in my stomach
ooooooooooh my tummy hurts so bad.
I ate at the food court at Masonville Mall on tuesday. I had wrangled my friend/babysitter to come with me and we were dead starving. I got a strawberry julius, the sexiest drink ever and I also got some Japanese teriyaki chicken thing from an unnamed place. (I am sure if you have ever frequented this mall you know where i am talking about).
About 4 hours later I got so sick it is amazing I am still alive. I think i vomited out my liver. I am still feeling like clown-ass, and here it is friday.
Two things about this are funny but not in a ha-ha way.
1. About 9 years ago I was visiting back home (Ottawa) and also ate a japanese place in the food court. On my way back to my house (a 7 hour drive) I was so disgustingly sick that the drive actually took closer to 13 hours due to having to frequent the side of the road. I immediately went to hospital and they diagnosed me with sever food poisoning and i was admitted for 5 days. I actually got $2000 in compensation from this and had to fill out a shitload of forms.
2. I have a date tonight. Sort of.
Yes, I am a huge tool and decided to sign up to lavalife which i have previously mentioned. Surprisingly amidst the losers, creep-os and ass-burgalars, I found someone nice. We have chatted a tonne over the past week and he is driving up here to see me. I am torn as to how to feel about this. I feel like a huge weiner for even contemplating going online to find someone. But on the other hand my math brain won't turn off. I figure statistically speaking there has to be someone out there who is normal but just as frustrated as I am. I hold out an odd hope that I may meet them!
I highly doubt this guy is it as he is already doing a weird "Back off get your own sandwich!" type of deal and we havent even met yet. He says he is messed up from a previous relationship, (but seriously, who isn't?? I find this excuse trite and over used. It seems to be the major cop-out of choice along with "I am not ready for a relationship right now"), but yet has no problem partaking in my Garden of Eden. And oh, yes, that is what i call it. It pays tribute to my catholic-ness.
We shall see what happens. Assuming of course I do not vomit all over him, I am still looking forward to it.
I ate at the food court at Masonville Mall on tuesday. I had wrangled my friend/babysitter to come with me and we were dead starving. I got a strawberry julius, the sexiest drink ever and I also got some Japanese teriyaki chicken thing from an unnamed place. (I am sure if you have ever frequented this mall you know where i am talking about).
About 4 hours later I got so sick it is amazing I am still alive. I think i vomited out my liver. I am still feeling like clown-ass, and here it is friday.
Two things about this are funny but not in a ha-ha way.
1. About 9 years ago I was visiting back home (Ottawa) and also ate a japanese place in the food court. On my way back to my house (a 7 hour drive) I was so disgustingly sick that the drive actually took closer to 13 hours due to having to frequent the side of the road. I immediately went to hospital and they diagnosed me with sever food poisoning and i was admitted for 5 days. I actually got $2000 in compensation from this and had to fill out a shitload of forms.
2. I have a date tonight. Sort of.
Yes, I am a huge tool and decided to sign up to lavalife which i have previously mentioned. Surprisingly amidst the losers, creep-os and ass-burgalars, I found someone nice. We have chatted a tonne over the past week and he is driving up here to see me. I am torn as to how to feel about this. I feel like a huge weiner for even contemplating going online to find someone. But on the other hand my math brain won't turn off. I figure statistically speaking there has to be someone out there who is normal but just as frustrated as I am. I hold out an odd hope that I may meet them!
I highly doubt this guy is it as he is already doing a weird "Back off get your own sandwich!" type of deal and we havent even met yet. He says he is messed up from a previous relationship, (but seriously, who isn't?? I find this excuse trite and over used. It seems to be the major cop-out of choice along with "I am not ready for a relationship right now"), but yet has no problem partaking in my Garden of Eden. And oh, yes, that is what i call it. It pays tribute to my catholic-ness.
We shall see what happens. Assuming of course I do not vomit all over him, I am still looking forward to it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
My penis is bigger than your penis!
Its a bright and beautiful Wednesday morning. The second day of school. I am almost positive I will be playing hooky again today. Since I am in a first year program a lot of the first week of school is getting the wee puppies aka 18 year olds, acclimated to a new regime of educational system. Bathrooms on the left and no you do not have to raise your hand if you need to piss.
I drop my son off at the bus stop and i did my good deed for the day. Saw some new people waiting at the wrong spot and let them know. So I am free to be a bitch today. Karma will balance it for me.
I go to my car, my white car, to drive to the store. And what do i see? But a tonne of brown shit all over the roof and down the driver's side window. I had stupidly parked underneath a tree and the squirrels did an Elvis all over my car.
After returning, I stopped to talk with a friend. A brand-new, HUGE (are there any other kind) Hummer, bright yellow! comes rumbling up the parking lot. If there is any bigger display of ostentatious pseudo-power, I have yet to see it. In order to turn around the Hummer, he drives up, UP mind you, onto the curb, onto the grass and backs around.
I was suitably impressed.
Until I realized that this douchebag is driving a Hummer in the city. This is probably the most off-roading this machine will do while it is spewing toxic fumes into an already crappy city atmosphere. God forbid if he actually take sit out into the wilderness, he might scratch the paintjob. Did i mention it was bright yellow? So you can not possibly miss it as it is barreling towards you? Playing on its super powerful speakers Aerosmith? Showing the world what a cool-cat owner it has?
"Ha ha! I am better than you! I can afford the $80 in gas a day! I am a rich and powerful man! All hail the wonderfulness that is me and my gigantic penis! I must have one, for I drive a Hummer! Ladies! Step up and regard the enormity that is my cock! Suck it if you will. But you may have a hard time! As it is mighty like my Hummer!"
I drop my son off at the bus stop and i did my good deed for the day. Saw some new people waiting at the wrong spot and let them know. So I am free to be a bitch today. Karma will balance it for me.
I go to my car, my white car, to drive to the store. And what do i see? But a tonne of brown shit all over the roof and down the driver's side window. I had stupidly parked underneath a tree and the squirrels did an Elvis all over my car.
After returning, I stopped to talk with a friend. A brand-new, HUGE (are there any other kind) Hummer, bright yellow! comes rumbling up the parking lot. If there is any bigger display of ostentatious pseudo-power, I have yet to see it. In order to turn around the Hummer, he drives up, UP mind you, onto the curb, onto the grass and backs around.
I was suitably impressed.
Until I realized that this douchebag is driving a Hummer in the city. This is probably the most off-roading this machine will do while it is spewing toxic fumes into an already crappy city atmosphere. God forbid if he actually take sit out into the wilderness, he might scratch the paintjob. Did i mention it was bright yellow? So you can not possibly miss it as it is barreling towards you? Playing on its super powerful speakers Aerosmith? Showing the world what a cool-cat owner it has?
"Ha ha! I am better than you! I can afford the $80 in gas a day! I am a rich and powerful man! All hail the wonderfulness that is me and my gigantic penis! I must have one, for I drive a Hummer! Ladies! Step up and regard the enormity that is my cock! Suck it if you will. But you may have a hard time! As it is mighty like my Hummer!"
Monday, September 3, 2007
Beer shoes... Thats right...Beer shoes
So I went back home for the long weekend. This is some of the stuff that happened, but not neccessarily in the right order, in whatever order I remembered them in.
1. After a night of cavorting and drinking, I wake up the next morning and my friend (who's house I was staying at) asks me, quite serioulsy i might add:
"M, do you want to go to blah blah restaurant for brunch? We can get some soup"
For a change I was speechless. How oddly specific. Soup. At 10 am. On a Sunday morning. In Summer.
I would have had the exact sam ereaction if she had said :
"M, would you like to play tennis in our underwear? And then go get an ice cream?"
2. Whilest (I never tire of that word, it sounds so damn fancy!), my friend N and I were at the bar, a gentlman *cough use that word lightly* started hitting on me. He was the drunk kind of tourist. The kind that mumbled and spit when he talked. He annoyed me so I chastized him for said spitting and mumbling and told him to go away. He then proceeded to
on purpose
Pour his bottle of beer on my shoes!
I was stunned! I was amazed! I was........what the fuck is that?? Seriously? Did you just pour your beer on my fucking SHOES??
My lovely friend Dave, told him to bugger off. He wouldnt.
Dave then told him again. (At this point Dave is looking very sexy to me. See previous post on romance novels!)
He still wouldnt leave. I then get over my stunned-ed-ness and say:
"Buddy, do me a favour. The next time you see your mom? Tell her she did a piss poor job raising you!"
Dave tells me after that he tried very hard not to laugh at that. Because i said it so seriously.
Dave then told him he had 3 seconds to piss off before he hurt him. The little woman in me sighed. It was very romantic.
3. Burned my back twice. Damn sun, thinking it's so hot.
4. Signed up for Lavalife. I am not quite sure why except that it amuses me whilest (there it is again! hee hee!) i am without cable. More on lavalife later. Just knw that it is like shopping in a catalogue. And everything you see is shit.
1. After a night of cavorting and drinking, I wake up the next morning and my friend (who's house I was staying at) asks me, quite serioulsy i might add:
"M, do you want to go to blah blah restaurant for brunch? We can get some soup"
For a change I was speechless. How oddly specific. Soup. At 10 am. On a Sunday morning. In Summer.
I would have had the exact sam ereaction if she had said :
"M, would you like to play tennis in our underwear? And then go get an ice cream?"
2. Whilest (I never tire of that word, it sounds so damn fancy!), my friend N and I were at the bar, a gentlman *cough use that word lightly* started hitting on me. He was the drunk kind of tourist. The kind that mumbled and spit when he talked. He annoyed me so I chastized him for said spitting and mumbling and told him to go away. He then proceeded to
on purpose
Pour his bottle of beer on my shoes!
I was stunned! I was amazed! I was........what the fuck is that?? Seriously? Did you just pour your beer on my fucking SHOES??
My lovely friend Dave, told him to bugger off. He wouldnt.
Dave then told him again. (At this point Dave is looking very sexy to me. See previous post on romance novels!)
He still wouldnt leave. I then get over my stunned-ed-ness and say:
"Buddy, do me a favour. The next time you see your mom? Tell her she did a piss poor job raising you!"
Dave tells me after that he tried very hard not to laugh at that. Because i said it so seriously.
Dave then told him he had 3 seconds to piss off before he hurt him. The little woman in me sighed. It was very romantic.
3. Burned my back twice. Damn sun, thinking it's so hot.
4. Signed up for Lavalife. I am not quite sure why except that it amuses me whilest (there it is again! hee hee!) i am without cable. More on lavalife later. Just knw that it is like shopping in a catalogue. And everything you see is shit.
Friday, August 31, 2007
8 am and feeling fine or Reasons Why I hate romance novels
Lord only knows why, but I cannot sleep past 8 am for the life of me. I am sure there is something terribly Freudian about this, but as that gentleman is dead, I shall be ignorant of the reason.
So instead, I will go for a nap around 11am and if anyone happens to call (assuming my phone is fixed by then), I look like a lazy ass. My title lies. I do not 'feel fine'. I feel......twitchy. I feel like there is something important I should be doing but either cannot remember what it is due to my now advanced age, or I have somehow subconsciously made myself allergic to doing important things.
I have been reading a lot lately as I have said before. But because I have been broke, I have been re-hashing all of my old books, of which there are many. Mostly romance novels.
Which is the worst thing for me to be reading at this point in my pathetically lonely life.
Reasons why i hate romance novels
1. The make me feel old. Most of these damn things are set in the 1800's. A woman of my age back then was considered an old maid. Not worthy of marriage. All of the gentleman are my age, but the ladies are 'just coming out' 18-22. Even 22 is considered borderline scandolous. Piss on women's lib. Yes, I feel old because i have no propects of marrriage at my age! Or a dowry to tempt a man. Unless you call my broken phone and dvd players, my psychotic cat, hyperactive son, and 10 year old microwave adequate dowry. With this i could get a Jerry Springer-esque man. "Ooooooh! You can cook the food in this here box like magic?"
2. The women let the men walk allllllllll over her. This includes the modern romance novels. The women will slap a man across the face, threaten to scream, insult him, throw shit at him and state very firmly that she wants nothing to do with him. And yet the man takes this to mean she needs more convincing. Or a tongue thrusting it's honey like taste into her mouth shooting pangs of desire through her soul. And then! She melts! Proving one again that women have no idea what they want and deserve to have men walk allllllll over them.
3. No gays. What? These guys/gals dont have romances too? There were not gay pirates with throbbing shafts of desire? No cowboys with swollen members of heated passion? I am sure there are just as many lesbians out there who are indecisive and will let another lesbian walk allllllllll over them. Or how about some nice bi-sexual action? Everyone knows one of a hetero man's best fantasies is 2 women. I have yet to see/hear about this even being suggested. Statistically speaking, one of these guys had to of prsssured his wife/mistress into a menage a trois.
4.Did i mention they make me feel old?
5. These ladies are always exceptioanl beauties. How is that suposed to make me feel? The average run of the mill beauty? I dont have eyes the colour of violets, or hair that shimmers like gold. I have green eyes that I use to see things, and hair that keeps my head warm. Thats about the extent of that.
6. I will never ever ever meet a guy like this. One that fills me with a rising passion that overwhelms me. These freaking books have given me an unrealistic idea of what to expect in a relationship. I certainly don't expect a guy to whip out a pirate patch and call me wench, but I do sort of, maybe just a little, really desparately want a guy to grab me and bend me over and ....*cough* rub my neck. My neck does get sore. *looks around innocently*
*Matty has decided to forgo Facebook for a month. I hope he is lying. I miss him already. He makes me feel happy. And for a gay guy, I feel oddly sexy talking to him. I am sure Freud would have something to say about that.
*I think Matty has become my token gay friend now! This is very exciting for a girl from the stix.
So instead, I will go for a nap around 11am and if anyone happens to call (assuming my phone is fixed by then), I look like a lazy ass. My title lies. I do not 'feel fine'. I feel......twitchy. I feel like there is something important I should be doing but either cannot remember what it is due to my now advanced age, or I have somehow subconsciously made myself allergic to doing important things.
I have been reading a lot lately as I have said before. But because I have been broke, I have been re-hashing all of my old books, of which there are many. Mostly romance novels.
Which is the worst thing for me to be reading at this point in my pathetically lonely life.
Reasons why i hate romance novels
1. The make me feel old. Most of these damn things are set in the 1800's. A woman of my age back then was considered an old maid. Not worthy of marriage. All of the gentleman are my age, but the ladies are 'just coming out' 18-22. Even 22 is considered borderline scandolous. Piss on women's lib. Yes, I feel old because i have no propects of marrriage at my age! Or a dowry to tempt a man. Unless you call my broken phone and dvd players, my psychotic cat, hyperactive son, and 10 year old microwave adequate dowry. With this i could get a Jerry Springer-esque man. "Ooooooh! You can cook the food in this here box like magic?"
2. The women let the men walk allllllllll over her. This includes the modern romance novels. The women will slap a man across the face, threaten to scream, insult him, throw shit at him and state very firmly that she wants nothing to do with him. And yet the man takes this to mean she needs more convincing. Or a tongue thrusting it's honey like taste into her mouth shooting pangs of desire through her soul. And then! She melts! Proving one again that women have no idea what they want and deserve to have men walk allllllll over them.
3. No gays. What? These guys/gals dont have romances too? There were not gay pirates with throbbing shafts of desire? No cowboys with swollen members of heated passion? I am sure there are just as many lesbians out there who are indecisive and will let another lesbian walk allllllllll over them. Or how about some nice bi-sexual action? Everyone knows one of a hetero man's best fantasies is 2 women. I have yet to see/hear about this even being suggested. Statistically speaking, one of these guys had to of prsssured his wife/mistress into a menage a trois.
4.Did i mention they make me feel old?
5. These ladies are always exceptioanl beauties. How is that suposed to make me feel? The average run of the mill beauty? I dont have eyes the colour of violets, or hair that shimmers like gold. I have green eyes that I use to see things, and hair that keeps my head warm. Thats about the extent of that.
6. I will never ever ever meet a guy like this. One that fills me with a rising passion that overwhelms me. These freaking books have given me an unrealistic idea of what to expect in a relationship. I certainly don't expect a guy to whip out a pirate patch and call me wench, but I do sort of, maybe just a little, really desparately want a guy to grab me and bend me over and ....*cough* rub my neck. My neck does get sore. *looks around innocently*
*Matty has decided to forgo Facebook for a month. I hope he is lying. I miss him already. He makes me feel happy. And for a gay guy, I feel oddly sexy talking to him. I am sure Freud would have something to say about that.
*I think Matty has become my token gay friend now! This is very exciting for a girl from the stix.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Murphy's Law edition #4
Oh!
Oh oh oh oh oh!
My phone!
It is broken again!
If i hadn't of started laughing so hard I would have cried and pulled an Owen Wilson.
Then I called Bell and demanded that a tech come out today. Noooooooooo. Have to wait until tomorrow. I asked to speak with her supervisor, she hung up on me. I call back. Explain my problem. The girl put me on hold to see what she could do. I got disconnected. I call back and got a lovely boy/man named Jason. He was wonderful. Did absolutely nothing to help me, but he did it in a really sexy voice. So I didn't mind so much I am still without a phone.
So, lets tally shall we?
I have no cable
No way to watch a movie
No phone
I have the internet
The lovely, juicy, slippery internet.
Oh oh oh oh oh!
My phone!
It is broken again!
If i hadn't of started laughing so hard I would have cried and pulled an Owen Wilson.
Then I called Bell and demanded that a tech come out today. Noooooooooo. Have to wait until tomorrow. I asked to speak with her supervisor, she hung up on me. I call back. Explain my problem. The girl put me on hold to see what she could do. I got disconnected. I call back and got a lovely boy/man named Jason. He was wonderful. Did absolutely nothing to help me, but he did it in a really sexy voice. So I didn't mind so much I am still without a phone.
So, lets tally shall we?
I have no cable
No way to watch a movie
No phone
I have the internet
The lovely, juicy, slippery internet.
Monday, August 27, 2007
A very nice friend of mine lent me his dvd player. He was hesitant to do so as I had broken 2 in the week before this. Well, after spending quite awhile deciding which movie wouldnt suck and i could possible stand to watch again, i discovered that his dvd player wont work without the remote.
Which he had forgotten.
So in an indirect way, he doesnt have to worry now that I'll break it. Which technically could still happen.
Finally got the new modem today. Its a damn phone one so i have a billion cords stretching across my floor right now.
Oh, and i got fired.
This is the first time in the loooooooong history of me getting canned that not only do i NOT care, but it actually comes as a relief. I freaking hated that job.
Remember back when you were a kid and the bully up the street would yell and you and call you four-eyes and would smash yellow snow into your mouth every chance he got? And if you told you mom she would just tell you to ignore him? But it was really hard to ignore him cuz he was constantly following you and throwing shit at the back of your head and your mom says its because he has a crush on you and so for the rest of our life you constantly rate relationships by how shitty someone treats you so you end up in therapy paying a whackload of money for your shrink to pay crosswords on his lap and you think "How come I have to work 20 hours to pay for this? And he's not even that good that he doesnt know a 4 letter word for bitch is cunt?"
Well, my job was kinda like that.
*Thanks art! You rock
Which he had forgotten.
So in an indirect way, he doesnt have to worry now that I'll break it. Which technically could still happen.
Finally got the new modem today. Its a damn phone one so i have a billion cords stretching across my floor right now.
Oh, and i got fired.
This is the first time in the loooooooong history of me getting canned that not only do i NOT care, but it actually comes as a relief. I freaking hated that job.
Remember back when you were a kid and the bully up the street would yell and you and call you four-eyes and would smash yellow snow into your mouth every chance he got? And if you told you mom she would just tell you to ignore him? But it was really hard to ignore him cuz he was constantly following you and throwing shit at the back of your head and your mom says its because he has a crush on you and so for the rest of our life you constantly rate relationships by how shitty someone treats you so you end up in therapy paying a whackload of money for your shrink to pay crosswords on his lap and you think "How come I have to work 20 hours to pay for this? And he's not even that good that he doesnt know a 4 letter word for bitch is cunt?"
Well, my job was kinda like that.
*Thanks art! You rock
Saturday, August 25, 2007
'Tis a sad sad day
Today is Matty's last day working for the coporate elitest regime. Which is very unfortunate as he happens to be the most competent one there. I spoke to his replacement who is way gayer, so Matty doesnt get to keep that title. Even though the guy once complained to me how after getting a full body wax, the "stupid bitch" missed his elbows. I think it was at that very moment........I realized that Matty is the fruitiest gay I know. I am a chick and I dont wax my elbows. I dont know anyone who waxes their elbows.
Either way, I will really miss him. All the new fruit tarts aka Rogers dispatchers, are useless. So why they all sound so happy I have no idea. Apparently ignorance is bliss.
Or in their case incompetence is rapture.
*I wonder if Matty's dad was a ninja cowboy? Or a Marine Core firefighter??
Either way, I will really miss him. All the new fruit tarts aka Rogers dispatchers, are useless. So why they all sound so happy I have no idea. Apparently ignorance is bliss.
Or in their case incompetence is rapture.
*I wonder if Matty's dad was a ninja cowboy? Or a Marine Core firefighter??
Friday, August 24, 2007
Violent Acres, whom, if i ever meet shall cover with honey and lick it off, wrote a very good couple of articles regarding a new version of feminism i was not aware of.
Before I go wandering willy-nilly into the definition, just go over and read hers. Save me the hassle and she gets paid for it.
I had a really in depth conversation with Jon last night about this very topic.
I am a single mother (abandoned by my boyfriend of off-and-on one year when he found out), going to school full time and working part time. I dont have to work as our student funding system gives me enough money, but I choose to as I do not enjoy not feeling productive.
Jon says the child support system is fucked and doesnt believe that a man should have to pay for a kid if he didnt want it and had no say in whether or not abortion or adoption was an option. Or if the chick decided to get knocked up on purpose. However, they do. I completely agree with him even though he is a man. :P
What my problem is in relation to VA is that here I am, working my ass to the bone,getting an education with a fairly okay social life, and still manage to spend time with my kid and these "women" claim to be enlightened enough to call themselves feminists. A feminist was a woman who fought for the rights of women. The right to vote, the right to be enrolled in the 'good ol boys' army, the right to a decent wage and a workplace free of harassment. They fought for the right to put their daughters in hockey and football. If burning a bra got their point across, then so be it. Sometimes I want to burn my bra for the reason of the complicated and very annoying washing instructions on it. I'll be damned if i waste a load of laundry on the 'gentle cycle'.
How can you justify calling yourself a feminist because you chose to stay home with your snotty kids? How does that help women and society as a whole? How does that advance the plight of women? Which so far as I can see is pretty much okay. Short of peeing standing up, we can do everything men can do.
But these new "feminists"!
They expect me, whose arms are filled with groceries, to stop and hold the door for them just because they happen to have a stroller. They will become indignant if i don't. They expect me to coo and gag over their 'cute' children. They expect me, even though I am a parent also, to give way to them if their children are smaller.
This goes against all feminist policy. Hold your own damn door open Harpo! Coo over my kid! He doesn't drool on himself!
Sure, don't work. Stay at home. Dont have any friends other than the ones in mommy-group. Dont have any outside interests. But dont expect me to foot the bill when your kid moves out and you realize how desparately alone you are, and you decide to jump off of a building. No big loss. You didn't contribute much anyway.
I have tried to hold conversations with this type of 'feminist'. They are mindless Proctor-Gamble drones. They have barely any knowledge of current events, so it is obviouls that they could not hold a conversation regarding anything pre-Blue's Clues either. They stare at me stunned when i say in am in engineering because that is not an accepted pink collar position. They become enraged that I have left my son to be, what they call 'raised' by daycares, after school programs and babysitters, all because I am selfish enough to want an education. I dont need one they say. I can make a perfectly adequate living working full time at a regular job. How dare I, presume to be better by going to college. Their children will be so much better than mine because they stayed home with them.
My child is learning the benefits of an education right now. He is learning the meaning of a work ethic. Sure, I dont devote 100% of my time to him, but the time I do spend with him, he gets a content mother who has her own personality and own life.
Before I go wandering willy-nilly into the definition, just go over and read hers. Save me the hassle and she gets paid for it.
I had a really in depth conversation with Jon last night about this very topic.
I am a single mother (abandoned by my boyfriend of off-and-on one year when he found out), going to school full time and working part time. I dont have to work as our student funding system gives me enough money, but I choose to as I do not enjoy not feeling productive.
Jon says the child support system is fucked and doesnt believe that a man should have to pay for a kid if he didnt want it and had no say in whether or not abortion or adoption was an option. Or if the chick decided to get knocked up on purpose. However, they do. I completely agree with him even though he is a man. :P
What my problem is in relation to VA is that here I am, working my ass to the bone,getting an education with a fairly okay social life, and still manage to spend time with my kid and these "women" claim to be enlightened enough to call themselves feminists. A feminist was a woman who fought for the rights of women. The right to vote, the right to be enrolled in the 'good ol boys' army, the right to a decent wage and a workplace free of harassment. They fought for the right to put their daughters in hockey and football. If burning a bra got their point across, then so be it. Sometimes I want to burn my bra for the reason of the complicated and very annoying washing instructions on it. I'll be damned if i waste a load of laundry on the 'gentle cycle'.
How can you justify calling yourself a feminist because you chose to stay home with your snotty kids? How does that help women and society as a whole? How does that advance the plight of women? Which so far as I can see is pretty much okay. Short of peeing standing up, we can do everything men can do.
But these new "feminists"!
They expect me, whose arms are filled with groceries, to stop and hold the door for them just because they happen to have a stroller. They will become indignant if i don't. They expect me to coo and gag over their 'cute' children. They expect me, even though I am a parent also, to give way to them if their children are smaller.
This goes against all feminist policy. Hold your own damn door open Harpo! Coo over my kid! He doesn't drool on himself!
Sure, don't work. Stay at home. Dont have any friends other than the ones in mommy-group. Dont have any outside interests. But dont expect me to foot the bill when your kid moves out and you realize how desparately alone you are, and you decide to jump off of a building. No big loss. You didn't contribute much anyway.
I have tried to hold conversations with this type of 'feminist'. They are mindless Proctor-Gamble drones. They have barely any knowledge of current events, so it is obviouls that they could not hold a conversation regarding anything pre-Blue's Clues either. They stare at me stunned when i say in am in engineering because that is not an accepted pink collar position. They become enraged that I have left my son to be, what they call 'raised' by daycares, after school programs and babysitters, all because I am selfish enough to want an education. I dont need one they say. I can make a perfectly adequate living working full time at a regular job. How dare I, presume to be better by going to college. Their children will be so much better than mine because they stayed home with them.
My child is learning the benefits of an education right now. He is learning the meaning of a work ethic. Sure, I dont devote 100% of my time to him, but the time I do spend with him, he gets a content mother who has her own personality and own life.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Murphy's Law edition #3
So i came home after going on a short jaunt today and wouldnt you know thats when the Bell technician decided to show up. Well he left me a lovely note saying he had fixed the static problem.
Now I dont have a phone.
He fixed the problem by disconnecting me completely.
So i suppose in a really round-about way or a "look on the bright side" attitude, he techincally did fix my static problem. I guess it was my fault for not specifying that I wanted a working phone with NO static.
Now I dont have a phone.
He fixed the problem by disconnecting me completely.
So i suppose in a really round-about way or a "look on the bright side" attitude, he techincally did fix my static problem. I guess it was my fault for not specifying that I wanted a working phone with NO static.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Murphy's Law edition #2
Did I mention that those capitalist bastards aka Rogers had cut me off? So I switched my home phone to Bell. I have had them for 2 months now. So far:
-I still have NOT recieved my modem. I got a call yesterday thanking me for being a Bell Sympatico customer. Which is news to me.
-I cannot get cable as I live on the wrong side of the building for a dish. And the Gestapo who run my building have out-lawed satellite dishes upon penalty of stoning.
-I used my phone, went to the mall and when i came back it wasnt working. I then spent a horrendous hour on my cell phone trying to explain to Bell that I dont want this fucking insurance and for someone to come and fix the goddamn problem. See, if its a problem, even the wiring inside your house, they will charge you $100. If it is outside, it is free. So they try to rook you into this insurance for $8/month to cover you in case it is in your house. I wanted to know with whom do i speak with regarding this atrocity but i kept getting "Ma'am, for only $8 you wont have to worry about it". Well they fixed it. And it wasnt my problem. which i told them.
-My phone as of yesterday is next to impossible to use becasue of the static.
So i have to sit my ass here from 8am to 10 pm tomorrow waiting for a technician to come.
I then had to again listen to the spial about the freaking insurance. I keep explaining that if i have only had the phone for 2 months how on gods green earth can it be MY fault it keeps fucking up?
The dvd player broke again. And by broke I mean that this one particular dvd keeps getting stuck in it. The only way to get it out is to take the entire machine apart. It is a copy of The Outer Limits. The Sci-fi show. I am not sure if this means something sinister
-I still have NOT recieved my modem. I got a call yesterday thanking me for being a Bell Sympatico customer. Which is news to me.
-I cannot get cable as I live on the wrong side of the building for a dish. And the Gestapo who run my building have out-lawed satellite dishes upon penalty of stoning.
-I used my phone, went to the mall and when i came back it wasnt working. I then spent a horrendous hour on my cell phone trying to explain to Bell that I dont want this fucking insurance and for someone to come and fix the goddamn problem. See, if its a problem, even the wiring inside your house, they will charge you $100. If it is outside, it is free. So they try to rook you into this insurance for $8/month to cover you in case it is in your house. I wanted to know with whom do i speak with regarding this atrocity but i kept getting "Ma'am, for only $8 you wont have to worry about it". Well they fixed it. And it wasnt my problem. which i told them.
-My phone as of yesterday is next to impossible to use becasue of the static.
So i have to sit my ass here from 8am to 10 pm tomorrow waiting for a technician to come.
I then had to again listen to the spial about the freaking insurance. I keep explaining that if i have only had the phone for 2 months how on gods green earth can it be MY fault it keeps fucking up?
The dvd player broke again. And by broke I mean that this one particular dvd keeps getting stuck in it. The only way to get it out is to take the entire machine apart. It is a copy of The Outer Limits. The Sci-fi show. I am not sure if this means something sinister
Murphy's Law edition #1
well on the bright side, my sense of humour has come back. Something happened today to a friend that I found interesting.
She had just gone back to work when her son called her to tell her their hydro would be cut off if she didnt pay the bill b 2 pm. Funnily enough she HAD paid it, but the lasy at the bank had put it to the wrong account. Her ex-husbands account. So she still had to pay the bill and then had to track down her ex to get her money back from him. All in all she missed 3 hours of work and had a pretty shitty day all because some banker-lady wasnt paying attention. (Did you get it?? PUNNY!!!!Oh shut up.)
Anyway, the funny part about it is that she said she thought of me while she was going through all this hassle. Because she knows that this kind of shit happens to me on a weekly if not daily basis.
Case:
When i was going to saskatchewan aka the land of the freak show, I let Jon use my car. So i thought it a good idea to put him on my insurance. I was told there was no extra cost for this. I recieved a registered letter yesterday saying if i didnt pay $60 by thursday midnight my coverage would be cancelled.
So i go into the office breathing fire, or garlic, and asked what the bloody hell was going on. After an hour of arguing I basically had to pay the freaking $60. Which brings the total to 2 times my insurance company has fucked up and managed to screw me up the ass with a carrot. And i am a preferrred customer. And i pay my insurance per year. PER YEAR> you would think they would love that. No hassle.
I am mistaken.
I forget sometimes that i am an extremely unlucky person in every regard and that when my family immigrated here they changed their name from Murphy.
So when my friend went through this today, she said she felt sorry for me. That i had to deal with this shit all the time.
Dr. Phil was talking to some people who felt that they were 'doomed' that all they had was bad luck. He said "Out of all the billions on this world, why do you think God would target you? What makes you so special?"
Well fuck him.
Fuck him with a rusty hammer.
There are certain people in this world who through no fault of their own just get screwed. I believe that I am paying karma for the sins of my father. Or past life crap. Or maybe I really AM that important and God wants to mess with me. which should technically make me feel better that i am that important.....
as a side God note:
After i had gotten dumped in what could only be the weirdest break up in history (I like you too much. I am afraid to like you more. so its easier to break it off now), I was obviously pretty depressed. On the drive home i was flipping through the radio and just then
just then
that song came on
My favourite song ever
I will survive.
Not half way through...right at the beginning. And the song seemed somehow appropriate to the situation.
Right after that I switched stations again and!
The song i have been trying to download but cant quite get, the song i have had stuck in my head fo rthe past 2 weeks came on.
Which i think shows that God felt sorry for me and even he was saying "What the fuck was that guy thinking? Here are som eof your favourite songs to cheer you up dear. There there. I will give him a plague for you. Something in the festering category perhaps?"
She had just gone back to work when her son called her to tell her their hydro would be cut off if she didnt pay the bill b 2 pm. Funnily enough she HAD paid it, but the lasy at the bank had put it to the wrong account. Her ex-husbands account. So she still had to pay the bill and then had to track down her ex to get her money back from him. All in all she missed 3 hours of work and had a pretty shitty day all because some banker-lady wasnt paying attention. (Did you get it?? PUNNY!!!!Oh shut up.)
Anyway, the funny part about it is that she said she thought of me while she was going through all this hassle. Because she knows that this kind of shit happens to me on a weekly if not daily basis.
Case:
When i was going to saskatchewan aka the land of the freak show, I let Jon use my car. So i thought it a good idea to put him on my insurance. I was told there was no extra cost for this. I recieved a registered letter yesterday saying if i didnt pay $60 by thursday midnight my coverage would be cancelled.
So i go into the office breathing fire, or garlic, and asked what the bloody hell was going on. After an hour of arguing I basically had to pay the freaking $60. Which brings the total to 2 times my insurance company has fucked up and managed to screw me up the ass with a carrot. And i am a preferrred customer. And i pay my insurance per year. PER YEAR> you would think they would love that. No hassle.
I am mistaken.
I forget sometimes that i am an extremely unlucky person in every regard and that when my family immigrated here they changed their name from Murphy.
So when my friend went through this today, she said she felt sorry for me. That i had to deal with this shit all the time.
Dr. Phil was talking to some people who felt that they were 'doomed' that all they had was bad luck. He said "Out of all the billions on this world, why do you think God would target you? What makes you so special?"
Well fuck him.
Fuck him with a rusty hammer.
There are certain people in this world who through no fault of their own just get screwed. I believe that I am paying karma for the sins of my father. Or past life crap. Or maybe I really AM that important and God wants to mess with me. which should technically make me feel better that i am that important.....
as a side God note:
After i had gotten dumped in what could only be the weirdest break up in history (I like you too much. I am afraid to like you more. so its easier to break it off now), I was obviously pretty depressed. On the drive home i was flipping through the radio and just then
just then
that song came on
My favourite song ever
I will survive.
Not half way through...right at the beginning. And the song seemed somehow appropriate to the situation.
Right after that I switched stations again and!
The song i have been trying to download but cant quite get, the song i have had stuck in my head fo rthe past 2 weeks came on.
Which i think shows that God felt sorry for me and even he was saying "What the fuck was that guy thinking? Here are som eof your favourite songs to cheer you up dear. There there. I will give him a plague for you. Something in the festering category perhaps?"
Adventures with no cable part 2
Idiocracy
Two weeks notice
Outer Limits
Dogma
Seed of Chucky
Richie Rich
Spider
I have also managed to read more books than is eyeball possible. I have been getting these headaches...right.......there. See that? Right behind my eye and in my temple. Now I either need to get new glasses or I have a brain tumour.
I have cleaned my apt. Done all the laundry. Cleaned out my son's room of old toys. Cleaned my room of all old clothes. Organized my dvds. and by organized i mean they are strewn all over the floor for easy access.
Jon fixed the dvd player. Turns out a dvd was stuck in it.
I now have nothing to do and am bored out of my tree. Which is the worst thing that could possibly happen as I am trying to get over a failed relationship and need to keep myself busy.
I think i may take up knitting again. Seriously.
Two weeks notice
Outer Limits
Dogma
Seed of Chucky
Richie Rich
Spider
I have also managed to read more books than is eyeball possible. I have been getting these headaches...right.......there. See that? Right behind my eye and in my temple. Now I either need to get new glasses or I have a brain tumour.
I have cleaned my apt. Done all the laundry. Cleaned out my son's room of old toys. Cleaned my room of all old clothes. Organized my dvds. and by organized i mean they are strewn all over the floor for easy access.
Jon fixed the dvd player. Turns out a dvd was stuck in it.
I now have nothing to do and am bored out of my tree. Which is the worst thing that could possibly happen as I am trying to get over a failed relationship and need to keep myself busy.
I think i may take up knitting again. Seriously.
Monday, August 20, 2007
hey!
I said hey!
I just got dumped.
well there you have it.
oh, and i managed to break 2 dvd players in one week. And the light in my car which tells me what gear i am in when its too dark to see.
So the conclusions I have drawn are:
1)I am radioactive
2) I have some magnetic force that has lying benign in my blood until now.
If either of these is true, I believe i shall go to the local college and get one of the design people to make me a costume out of taffeta. You never see super hero costumes made out of taffeta. And I really think that is a shame.
so anyway, i am alone again. which started an internal dialogue. I was not drunk for this. If i had of been perhaps it would have gone better.
M1:"Whats wrong with me?"
M2:"Well, you talk to yourself. That might be a good start. And you use outdated lingo"
M1:"Say what? I am not hip to that jive. I am fronting the best way i know how"
M2:"You also have a bad habit of acting superior to other people. they may find that annoying"
M1:"Can i help it if i am smarter than everyone i know? Except for jon?? "
M2:"You are moody."
M1:"Fuck you"
M2:"You like bad movies."
M1:"Somebody has to like them"
M2:"Mostly, you are just so completely awesome that people are blinded by the shine that is your wit, grace, charm and beauty. No one wants to stand that close to the sun"
M1:"Hmmm, you may have a point. I believe I shall go with this explanation."
Jon said the manliest of men has to be a Marine Corps firefighter. Because he is a firefighter AND an army type dude.
I think it has to be a ninja cowboy.
Either way, you know these guys will have a really fruity gay son.
I said hey!
I just got dumped.
well there you have it.
oh, and i managed to break 2 dvd players in one week. And the light in my car which tells me what gear i am in when its too dark to see.
So the conclusions I have drawn are:
1)I am radioactive
2) I have some magnetic force that has lying benign in my blood until now.
If either of these is true, I believe i shall go to the local college and get one of the design people to make me a costume out of taffeta. You never see super hero costumes made out of taffeta. And I really think that is a shame.
so anyway, i am alone again. which started an internal dialogue. I was not drunk for this. If i had of been perhaps it would have gone better.
M1:"Whats wrong with me?"
M2:"Well, you talk to yourself. That might be a good start. And you use outdated lingo"
M1:"Say what? I am not hip to that jive. I am fronting the best way i know how"
M2:"You also have a bad habit of acting superior to other people. they may find that annoying"
M1:"Can i help it if i am smarter than everyone i know? Except for jon?? "
M2:"You are moody."
M1:"Fuck you"
M2:"You like bad movies."
M1:"Somebody has to like them"
M2:"Mostly, you are just so completely awesome that people are blinded by the shine that is your wit, grace, charm and beauty. No one wants to stand that close to the sun"
M1:"Hmmm, you may have a point. I believe I shall go with this explanation."
Jon said the manliest of men has to be a Marine Corps firefighter. Because he is a firefighter AND an army type dude.
I think it has to be a ninja cowboy.
Either way, you know these guys will have a really fruity gay son.
Friday, August 17, 2007
I ate the King
Went to the MTO. Got a replacement License. Went to get my plate sticker and found out i have $168 in parking tickets. So instead of my sticker costing $78 it will cost me....well you do the math.
Went to the Reporting Centerbecuase i figure gettign 2 of the tickets taken care of is better than nothing. The officer who assisted me asked if i was planning on driving the car around with an expired sticker. To which i replied:
"Well, I kinda have to. Otherwise how will i get to work to pay for the damn thing? Oh, isnt there some grace period or something? I mean, I was only 6 days overdue on this sticker thing"
"Ma'am, you had all year to come up with the money for this"
well shit. he has a really good point there.
I hate it when i have a good mad on and someone goes and makes sense. Pisses me off more.
You know what? That very nice police officer cancelled it for me! He just told me to hurry up and get it replaced as soon as possible. I am not sure but i think i may have made out with a cop today. Gratitude does funny things with your memory.
I had Burger King for the first time in 10 years today. I'll tell you, it still tastes like ass. I will try it again in 10 years. Maybe then they would have put enough money into research for someone to have come up with a half decent tasting Whopper.
Went to the Reporting Centerbecuase i figure gettign 2 of the tickets taken care of is better than nothing. The officer who assisted me asked if i was planning on driving the car around with an expired sticker. To which i replied:
"Well, I kinda have to. Otherwise how will i get to work to pay for the damn thing? Oh, isnt there some grace period or something? I mean, I was only 6 days overdue on this sticker thing"
"Ma'am, you had all year to come up with the money for this"
well shit. he has a really good point there.
I hate it when i have a good mad on and someone goes and makes sense. Pisses me off more.
You know what? That very nice police officer cancelled it for me! He just told me to hurry up and get it replaced as soon as possible. I am not sure but i think i may have made out with a cop today. Gratitude does funny things with your memory.
I had Burger King for the first time in 10 years today. I'll tell you, it still tastes like ass. I will try it again in 10 years. Maybe then they would have put enough money into research for someone to have come up with a half decent tasting Whopper.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Oh! I had a birthday. I quit smoking. Which has nothing to do with my birthday other than it happened roughly around the same time. Seth made me make him dinner and then he gave me some pecan pie (his favourite) and a gift certificate for some lingerie (thinking more for him but at least it was a present). Then we played a rousing game of gin rummy. Which those of you from Heroes Fan forum will know what that is a euphemism for. Aren't I sneaky with my double entendres?
Surprisingly, it was probably the best birthday I have ever had. We also went for a walk and saw a swamp, some cool birds, a lot of frogs, and deer. He even held my hand when we were walking. Isn't that just dreamy?
How many more Facebook groups can there be? Is there some magic limit where the owners of Facebook will say:
"Okay people! We are sick of you starting these pissant little fucking useless groups that only your friends will join. You are a loser and quit thinking if your group gets a lot of people that somehow your face will clear up, your dick/tits will grow and everyone will forget about that time you pissed your pants at the xmas concert in front of the mayor."
Surprisingly, it was probably the best birthday I have ever had. We also went for a walk and saw a swamp, some cool birds, a lot of frogs, and deer. He even held my hand when we were walking. Isn't that just dreamy?
How many more Facebook groups can there be? Is there some magic limit where the owners of Facebook will say:
"Okay people! We are sick of you starting these pissant little fucking useless groups that only your friends will join. You are a loser and quit thinking if your group gets a lot of people that somehow your face will clear up, your dick/tits will grow and everyone will forget about that time you pissed your pants at the xmas concert in front of the mayor."
A typical Day
"Is your license sticker overdue?"
"Would you have pulled me over if it wasn't overdue?"
"Well....no"
"Well, then i guess it's overdue then isn't it Captian Obvious? Oh, I am sorry, Officer Obvious"
"May I see your driver's license, insurance and registration please?"
"Since you asked so nice I will let you see my insurance. And only my insurance. Because I was stupid enough to lose my license 2 weeks ago, never get it replaced and misplace my registration. But don't you feel lucky that I at least have insurance? Don't you feel safer?"
"Ma'am, do you have any picture ID at all?"
"No. Unless you count my Sin City VIP card"
"Ma'am, i have three tickets here for you now. These will all go away if you go to the Police Reporting place in the next 48 hours and show them all of this information. If not you must pay $330 and have sex with me. And my dad because he is lonely."
"But Officer! I don't have the sticker because I am broke! How can i come up with the money for it in the next 48 hours?"
"You look like a girl who has a useless baby daddy. And I imagine he is behind in child support. Why dont you try asking him for it. I am sure he will help you out. Since he is probably a fine and upstanding citizen who has his plate stickers renewed on-time."
"Okay Officer. I shall do so. Thank you for being so wonderful and protecting the dirty streets of London from the likes of me. A poor single mother who goes to school and works and who let her plate sticker lapse for 6 FUCKING DAYS. I appreciate it. I may have done something crazy like rape a stranger or commit robbery. Or burn a baby. Or dismember someone. Or dismember a burning baby who i am in the middle of robbing. But the world is so much safer now that you have given me these three tickets"
*disclaimer: The aformentioned incident may not have happened exactly as the author describes. She may have actually cried. And wet herself.
"Would you have pulled me over if it wasn't overdue?"
"Well....no"
"Well, then i guess it's overdue then isn't it Captian Obvious? Oh, I am sorry, Officer Obvious"
"May I see your driver's license, insurance and registration please?"
"Since you asked so nice I will let you see my insurance. And only my insurance. Because I was stupid enough to lose my license 2 weeks ago, never get it replaced and misplace my registration. But don't you feel lucky that I at least have insurance? Don't you feel safer?"
"Ma'am, do you have any picture ID at all?"
"No. Unless you count my Sin City VIP card"
"Ma'am, i have three tickets here for you now. These will all go away if you go to the Police Reporting place in the next 48 hours and show them all of this information. If not you must pay $330 and have sex with me. And my dad because he is lonely."
"But Officer! I don't have the sticker because I am broke! How can i come up with the money for it in the next 48 hours?"
"You look like a girl who has a useless baby daddy. And I imagine he is behind in child support. Why dont you try asking him for it. I am sure he will help you out. Since he is probably a fine and upstanding citizen who has his plate stickers renewed on-time."
"Okay Officer. I shall do so. Thank you for being so wonderful and protecting the dirty streets of London from the likes of me. A poor single mother who goes to school and works and who let her plate sticker lapse for 6 FUCKING DAYS. I appreciate it. I may have done something crazy like rape a stranger or commit robbery. Or burn a baby. Or dismember someone. Or dismember a burning baby who i am in the middle of robbing. But the world is so much safer now that you have given me these three tickets"
*disclaimer: The aformentioned incident may not have happened exactly as the author describes. She may have actually cried. And wet herself.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Isn't my bandwagon pretty?
Why doesn't everyone leave poor britney spears alone?
So she got all weird and shaved her head! Who hasn't done that after a night of drinking and a dare by your best friend that you could not possibly look good bald? With you replying "I look good with any haircut!" And then you wake up and realize that no, you do not look good bald, but what a great learning experience.
Who hasn't attacked their ex's car with an umbrella? She could have cut off his penis like one infamous lady did. Keep it in perspective!
And I know that everyone (don't lie) has attacked some papparazi and blamed it on a movie role. It's reminds me of the time I ran naked down the street shouting "The sky is falling!". I was trying to find my motivation for the acting job i would have to do pretending I liked my boyfriend's mother right before a family dinner.
And seriously people, who hasn't stolen $26 000 worth of clothes, shoes and jewellery? I just stole a ball-point pen from work. How is that not the same thing?
So before we all go getting on our high horses, lets look at ourselves. Let's ask oursleves who amoung us hasnt done something retardedly stupid and blamed it on someone else? We need to be more like Jesus here. We need to walk on some water and say "Throw a stone at me! I promise I won't throw one back! Here, have some bread and fish."
So she got all weird and shaved her head! Who hasn't done that after a night of drinking and a dare by your best friend that you could not possibly look good bald? With you replying "I look good with any haircut!" And then you wake up and realize that no, you do not look good bald, but what a great learning experience.
Who hasn't attacked their ex's car with an umbrella? She could have cut off his penis like one infamous lady did. Keep it in perspective!
And I know that everyone (don't lie) has attacked some papparazi and blamed it on a movie role. It's reminds me of the time I ran naked down the street shouting "The sky is falling!". I was trying to find my motivation for the acting job i would have to do pretending I liked my boyfriend's mother right before a family dinner.
And seriously people, who hasn't stolen $26 000 worth of clothes, shoes and jewellery? I just stole a ball-point pen from work. How is that not the same thing?
So before we all go getting on our high horses, lets look at ourselves. Let's ask oursleves who amoung us hasnt done something retardedly stupid and blamed it on someone else? We need to be more like Jesus here. We need to walk on some water and say "Throw a stone at me! I promise I won't throw one back! Here, have some bread and fish."
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Elaboration
I promised I would. And i am nothing if not reliable to my promises. Except if they are promises to Jon. Screw him. He gave me a cold.
An associate in the camp, lets call him.......Pete, is a 44 yr old professional waiter. This is all he has ever done. He lives with a bunch of college students with his dog.
Here is a typical conversation between Pete and his dog.
"who's the most beautiful girl in the whole world?" proceeds to open mouth kiss the dog
"Aren't you gorgeous! You are so pretty! You are the prettiest girl ever! Who loves you? I do! I love you princess" lets dog kiss him back
"are you hungry? I made you some din-din" puts down an omelet with ham, onions and peppers, hashbrowns, 3 pieces of bacon and 2 pieces of sausage.
With a piece of toast on the side.
And some orange juice in a bowl.
Pete has a girlfriend. Oh yes, I was shocked too. In fact I was so shocked I blurted out "I thought you were gay!"
Pete, very offended says:
"Oh god no! I am not gay at all! I have a great girlfriend"
"Oh yeah? What does she do?"
"She starts college in September."
"Hey! Good for her! It must be hard starting college so late"
Pete gets a puzzled look on his face and says:
"She's not starting late. She's 19"
Which makes complete sense that he looked so puzzled. That i assumed this creepy 44 yr old man would be dating someone old enough to vote in the Unites States. How dare I?
A man who loves his dog this much is a catch! Any woman would be lucky to date a 44 yr old career waiter who lives with 3 college boys. This is the best part:
-he is 2 years older than her dad
Now unfortunatley I cant really demean this guy too much. (Though i did when i was there. "Oh I took a children's lit class when i was at college. We did a whole section on Dr. Seuss. Hey Pete! Your girlfriend would do great in that. Didnt she stop reading those like 2 weeks ago?")
I blame her parents.
How screwed up do you have to be as a father to raise a daughter that would date a man that much older? I shall put my all of my father's wives in this category (including my mom). What the hell? Is Freud right? Girls want to marry their fathers? Did he mean this literally?
Pete is overall a pretty okay guy. I personally didnt get along well with him, but that doesnt say much as i dont get along with just about anyone. There were some raised eyebrows as to how he interacts with his dog. A lot of the people there found it.........odd. And yes, if you were wondering, he does put sweaters on his dog in the winter. His sweaters. She is a big dog.
An associate in the camp, lets call him.......Pete, is a 44 yr old professional waiter. This is all he has ever done. He lives with a bunch of college students with his dog.
Here is a typical conversation between Pete and his dog.
"who's the most beautiful girl in the whole world?" proceeds to open mouth kiss the dog
"Aren't you gorgeous! You are so pretty! You are the prettiest girl ever! Who loves you? I do! I love you princess" lets dog kiss him back
"are you hungry? I made you some din-din" puts down an omelet with ham, onions and peppers, hashbrowns, 3 pieces of bacon and 2 pieces of sausage.
With a piece of toast on the side.
And some orange juice in a bowl.
Pete has a girlfriend. Oh yes, I was shocked too. In fact I was so shocked I blurted out "I thought you were gay!"
Pete, very offended says:
"Oh god no! I am not gay at all! I have a great girlfriend"
"Oh yeah? What does she do?"
"She starts college in September."
"Hey! Good for her! It must be hard starting college so late"
Pete gets a puzzled look on his face and says:
"She's not starting late. She's 19"
Which makes complete sense that he looked so puzzled. That i assumed this creepy 44 yr old man would be dating someone old enough to vote in the Unites States. How dare I?
A man who loves his dog this much is a catch! Any woman would be lucky to date a 44 yr old career waiter who lives with 3 college boys. This is the best part:
-he is 2 years older than her dad
Now unfortunatley I cant really demean this guy too much. (Though i did when i was there. "Oh I took a children's lit class when i was at college. We did a whole section on Dr. Seuss. Hey Pete! Your girlfriend would do great in that. Didnt she stop reading those like 2 weeks ago?")
I blame her parents.
How screwed up do you have to be as a father to raise a daughter that would date a man that much older? I shall put my all of my father's wives in this category (including my mom). What the hell? Is Freud right? Girls want to marry their fathers? Did he mean this literally?
Pete is overall a pretty okay guy. I personally didnt get along well with him, but that doesnt say much as i dont get along with just about anyone. There were some raised eyebrows as to how he interacts with his dog. A lot of the people there found it.........odd. And yes, if you were wondering, he does put sweaters on his dog in the winter. His sweaters. She is a big dog.
My adventures with no cable
So the god-forsaken bastard regime aka Rogers cut off my cable while i was in sunny saskatchewan. For a girl who is used to having the tv on all the time for background noise I have gone a wee bit loopy. For some odd reason, having the radio on or putting a movie in just doesnt quite feel the same. I think it's because deep down i still know that i have no freaking cable, no matter how hard i try to fool myself.
Movies I have seen:
Blast from the Past- very cute. This was when alicia silverstone was hot and in demand. I think she was on one of those "what happened to her" much music thingys a few weeks ago. She kisses weird by the looks of her. In another crappy movie of hers she made out with benecio del toro (in his embarassment days). How did she not jump all over him and eat sushi off his ass?
I digress.
Music and Lyrics-drew barrymore is hit and miss with movies. This is a miss. It sucked.
The Holiday-super cute. I actually cried a couple of times. Though i am one of those women who wants nothing more than for jude law to come over to my house and do dirty naughty things to me.
Apocolypse-mila jovovich *drool*
Independance day-still love it
stranger than fiction-will ferrell. love anything that guy does
Dennis the menace/richie rich/home alone 1 &2
all sucked.
I also have been going to the gym (they have tvs on the treadmills. i figure this was mutually beneficial. My mind and my ass thanked me)
Reading books. ( I downloaded harry potter 7 and stayed up all night reading it)
Okay, what the hell is it about kids with english accents that totally freaks me out?????
"Please! You are all going to die down here!" Red Queen
In Max milk and the new Froster flavour is........... seriously i shit you not...............
WTF
And the other one is OMGWTF
is this appropriate? Does 'WTF' have another meaning i am not aware of besides What The FUCK?
Should this be a froster flavour? That children get?? That i have to explain to my 6 yr old what WTF means?
And who the hell do i complain to about that? I am not a product complainer, god forbid, but this seems complaint worthy.
Movies I have seen:
Blast from the Past- very cute. This was when alicia silverstone was hot and in demand. I think she was on one of those "what happened to her" much music thingys a few weeks ago. She kisses weird by the looks of her. In another crappy movie of hers she made out with benecio del toro (in his embarassment days). How did she not jump all over him and eat sushi off his ass?
I digress.
Music and Lyrics-drew barrymore is hit and miss with movies. This is a miss. It sucked.
The Holiday-super cute. I actually cried a couple of times. Though i am one of those women who wants nothing more than for jude law to come over to my house and do dirty naughty things to me.
Apocolypse-mila jovovich *drool*
Independance day-still love it
stranger than fiction-will ferrell. love anything that guy does
Dennis the menace/richie rich/home alone 1 &2
all sucked.
I also have been going to the gym (they have tvs on the treadmills. i figure this was mutually beneficial. My mind and my ass thanked me)
Reading books. ( I downloaded harry potter 7 and stayed up all night reading it)
Okay, what the hell is it about kids with english accents that totally freaks me out?????
"Please! You are all going to die down here!" Red Queen
In Max milk and the new Froster flavour is........... seriously i shit you not...............
WTF
And the other one is OMGWTF
is this appropriate? Does 'WTF' have another meaning i am not aware of besides What The FUCK?
Should this be a froster flavour? That children get?? That i have to explain to my 6 yr old what WTF means?
And who the hell do i complain to about that? I am not a product complainer, god forbid, but this seems complaint worthy.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Okay, I am home now in safe London. Where I shall not have to fly again for anything. I hope. My kittens, whilst I was gone, somehow managed to find some speed and crack and consumed enough of it to make an army of hookers happy. This is the only reason I can find for their unbelievable hyperness. So far I have seen:
Gladiator style fighting on my recliner.
Chupa attacking her tail, falling over and whacking her head off of the vacuum. Apparently she thought the vacuum had something to do with it and proceeded to then attack it
Chupa deciding she didn’t like the look of my chapstick and assassinating it.
All of them attacking the wicker basket I use for paper garbage.
I have come to the conclusion that they are all fucked.
I did manage to survive my plane rides again. Funny thing, I flew on Friday the 13th. Only I didn’t know it was Friday the 13th. If I HAD known there is no way in anyone’s holy hell you would have caught me on a plane, much less 2 of them. The second flight had little tv’s in the seats. Dr. Phil and Oprah still suck at 40 000 feet if anyone cares. A sort of nice old lady held my hand when I was psychotically sobbing during take-off. I say sort of nice because after I calmed down a bit I got grilled about my life. And then lectured on how I should be married. A little girl like me should not be out leaving her son at home no matter how good the job! How dare I! And how old are you anyway to have a 6 yr old son at home pining for you?
Calgary airport is the coolest airport ever. It would have been a boring experience if it wasn’t for the millions of people wearing cowboy hats. And not the real kind. The Big Gay Al kind you find in gift shops.
“Look! I went to Calgary and got a real honest to goodness authentic wicker cowboy hat! Just like the real cowboys wear!”
*cough* at the gay rodeo.
Which my friend Jon was nice enough to point out happens in Winnipeg, but that is splitting hairs. I did go to Winnipeg, but was not allowed to get off the plane. So I got a fantastic picture of a sign that welcomed us from the plane window. I wasn’t that impressed with the capital of Manitoba at all.
Gladiator style fighting on my recliner.
Chupa attacking her tail, falling over and whacking her head off of the vacuum. Apparently she thought the vacuum had something to do with it and proceeded to then attack it
Chupa deciding she didn’t like the look of my chapstick and assassinating it.
All of them attacking the wicker basket I use for paper garbage.
I have come to the conclusion that they are all fucked.
I did manage to survive my plane rides again. Funny thing, I flew on Friday the 13th. Only I didn’t know it was Friday the 13th. If I HAD known there is no way in anyone’s holy hell you would have caught me on a plane, much less 2 of them. The second flight had little tv’s in the seats. Dr. Phil and Oprah still suck at 40 000 feet if anyone cares. A sort of nice old lady held my hand when I was psychotically sobbing during take-off. I say sort of nice because after I calmed down a bit I got grilled about my life. And then lectured on how I should be married. A little girl like me should not be out leaving her son at home no matter how good the job! How dare I! And how old are you anyway to have a 6 yr old son at home pining for you?
Calgary airport is the coolest airport ever. It would have been a boring experience if it wasn’t for the millions of people wearing cowboy hats. And not the real kind. The Big Gay Al kind you find in gift shops.
“Look! I went to Calgary and got a real honest to goodness authentic wicker cowboy hat! Just like the real cowboys wear!”
*cough* at the gay rodeo.
Which my friend Jon was nice enough to point out happens in Winnipeg, but that is splitting hairs. I did go to Winnipeg, but was not allowed to get off the plane. So I got a fantastic picture of a sign that welcomed us from the plane window. I wasn’t that impressed with the capital of Manitoba at all.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Reasons I hate Saskatchewan
1. Black flies
-those fuckers are like gnats! They are sneaky and hurt like a son of a bitch when they bite. I also hate anything that has been named for how it looks. How lazy is that? I shall now call that tree--tall thing.
2. Deer flies
-from what i can tell, there are no freaking deer in saskatchewan. So why the fuck are there flies named after them? I think either the bears ate them all or they got abducted by aliens (crop circles in the wheat explains their presence here) or they were killed off by the minions of SATAN. Aka :Deer flies. Bites also hurt. Alot.
3.Horse flies
-again, havent seen many horses (none) so the name seems irrelevant. Perhaps they are named so because of their freakishly huge size. They could eat birds, I swear to god. Bite? Of course! Does it hurt? Does it ever! I think i screamed like a little girl the first time i got bit.
4. Spruce beetles
-they were put upon this earth to make you fear the dirt too. All these flies buzzing around, you forget that shit down on the ground bites too until one of them takes a fucking chunk out of your leg. Fuckers.
5. weather
6. first place i ever flew so i will always remember it with fear and revulsion.
7. those gay ass berries. i understand saskatoon is so fucking boring that they needed something to make their own to feel special; but the grossest berries ever? Should have named some sort of fly after it. Saskatoonfly. You know what? Fuckers would bite. Everything here bites.
-those fuckers are like gnats! They are sneaky and hurt like a son of a bitch when they bite. I also hate anything that has been named for how it looks. How lazy is that? I shall now call that tree--tall thing.
2. Deer flies
-from what i can tell, there are no freaking deer in saskatchewan. So why the fuck are there flies named after them? I think either the bears ate them all or they got abducted by aliens (crop circles in the wheat explains their presence here) or they were killed off by the minions of SATAN. Aka :Deer flies. Bites also hurt. Alot.
3.Horse flies
-again, havent seen many horses (none) so the name seems irrelevant. Perhaps they are named so because of their freakishly huge size. They could eat birds, I swear to god. Bite? Of course! Does it hurt? Does it ever! I think i screamed like a little girl the first time i got bit.
4. Spruce beetles
-they were put upon this earth to make you fear the dirt too. All these flies buzzing around, you forget that shit down on the ground bites too until one of them takes a fucking chunk out of your leg. Fuckers.
5. weather
6. first place i ever flew so i will always remember it with fear and revulsion.
7. those gay ass berries. i understand saskatoon is so fucking boring that they needed something to make their own to feel special; but the grossest berries ever? Should have named some sort of fly after it. Saskatoonfly. You know what? Fuckers would bite. Everything here bites.
Thanks for the flower! It was very purple
i am so hasty. I make rash decisions without thinking them through. The tricky part is I think I think them through, when i actually really don't. I have convinced myself that I have given it as much thought as possible, when all i really did was make my damn decision and then rationalize it to death.
I decided that i was miserable, which frankly i was, and rather than give it another week to see if it would get better, i went to my boss in a moment of unbelievable annoyance at someone and said I wanted to go home from this fucking province.
Well shit on me, but I kinda wish I hadn't of done that.
First because I got screwed with the flight home. I didnt fulfill my contract so i have to pay for everything now. And because there is a super hot guy (looks great in greasy oily dirt. Like a porno movie. "Here, let me take your dirty clothes and wash them. Oh, you are not wearing any underwear? I'll take care of that!" bow-chicka-bow-bow) who might actually think I am not a repulsive horrific creature. In fact I have a sneaky suspicion he thinks I am groovy. (which i so totally am)
Oh! He gave me a flower.
I am willing to ignore the fact that I demanded he get me flowers. Since this is the first time in my entire freaking life anyone had gotten me flowers, I dont care that I made him do it.
What happened to my last torrid (ok fine! It was never torrid) affair? Well he still totally digs me (and who can blame him? I am better than ice cream), but keeps stating how he doesnt want a relationship.
I never said I wanted one. In fact I am pretty okay without one. But to have someone constantly reminding you they dont want one gets very annoying. Like having a pencil jambed into your ear annoying. I love being reminded I m not good enough to have a relationship with. Makes me feel all warm and gooey and shit. Like those butterflies vomitting chocolate hearts came back to visit my stomach.
If for some weird reason I manage not to have a psychotic breakdown on the tincan airplane, I just might come back to do this godawful job again in a few weeks.
I decided that i was miserable, which frankly i was, and rather than give it another week to see if it would get better, i went to my boss in a moment of unbelievable annoyance at someone and said I wanted to go home from this fucking province.
Well shit on me, but I kinda wish I hadn't of done that.
First because I got screwed with the flight home. I didnt fulfill my contract so i have to pay for everything now. And because there is a super hot guy (looks great in greasy oily dirt. Like a porno movie. "Here, let me take your dirty clothes and wash them. Oh, you are not wearing any underwear? I'll take care of that!" bow-chicka-bow-bow) who might actually think I am not a repulsive horrific creature. In fact I have a sneaky suspicion he thinks I am groovy. (which i so totally am)
Oh! He gave me a flower.
I am willing to ignore the fact that I demanded he get me flowers. Since this is the first time in my entire freaking life anyone had gotten me flowers, I dont care that I made him do it.
What happened to my last torrid (ok fine! It was never torrid) affair? Well he still totally digs me (and who can blame him? I am better than ice cream), but keeps stating how he doesnt want a relationship.
I never said I wanted one. In fact I am pretty okay without one. But to have someone constantly reminding you they dont want one gets very annoying. Like having a pencil jambed into your ear annoying. I love being reminded I m not good enough to have a relationship with. Makes me feel all warm and gooey and shit. Like those butterflies vomitting chocolate hearts came back to visit my stomach.
If for some weird reason I manage not to have a psychotic breakdown on the tincan airplane, I just might come back to do this godawful job again in a few weeks.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Saskatchewan is officially the worst freaking province in Canada. I base tis solely on the fact I have only been in 2 provinces, but am convinced I am right.
Here are the reasons:
1. the internet where i am is schizophrenic. I might not be able to actually post this.
2. they have their own 'special' berry. Called the saskatoonberry. It tastes like bluberry and bubblegum. It is really gross and they are freakishly proud of it
3. there is nothing but flat and sky. Those are your options. Flat and sky. Anything you want to do that doesnt involve that? Fuck you thats what.
4. Bears. God i hate bears. All i want to do is go for a freaking piss. But i cant. Because i could DIE!
5. The weather has no idea what it is doing. So far it is sunny and hot for about 15 min. Followed by rain and cold for 20. Then sunny and hot for an hour. Then it will rain on one side while the sun is still out on the other. Then it will get sunny for 30 minutes. Then it wil downpour and get cold for 2 hours. This is an average day here.
6. I hate the people i work with. I hate most of the people i cook for. Hate is such a strong word, you're right. I am extremely displeased with the situation here. MY assistant decided to take oer as soon as he got here. And, (I shall elaborate on this in another post) I have finally experienced that whole "I am a girl, so no one respects me, what I do, or what i think. Lets find the nearest MAN around"
I cannot express how annoyed I am with this.
I am pissy in general 90% of the timne right now.
Now normally I am pissy that muvh anyway, but at least I will have some humour about it.
This morning alone, i went into the kitchen to have some breakfast (I dont start until 10) at 6am. My ASSISTANT starts screaming at me ow i left 3 pots in the sink to soak overnight. At 6am. So i have now had a wonderful start to my day.
I fucking hate Saskatcewan
Here are the reasons:
1. the internet where i am is schizophrenic. I might not be able to actually post this.
2. they have their own 'special' berry. Called the saskatoonberry. It tastes like bluberry and bubblegum. It is really gross and they are freakishly proud of it
3. there is nothing but flat and sky. Those are your options. Flat and sky. Anything you want to do that doesnt involve that? Fuck you thats what.
4. Bears. God i hate bears. All i want to do is go for a freaking piss. But i cant. Because i could DIE!
5. The weather has no idea what it is doing. So far it is sunny and hot for about 15 min. Followed by rain and cold for 20. Then sunny and hot for an hour. Then it will rain on one side while the sun is still out on the other. Then it will get sunny for 30 minutes. Then it wil downpour and get cold for 2 hours. This is an average day here.
6. I hate the people i work with. I hate most of the people i cook for. Hate is such a strong word, you're right. I am extremely displeased with the situation here. MY assistant decided to take oer as soon as he got here. And, (I shall elaborate on this in another post) I have finally experienced that whole "I am a girl, so no one respects me, what I do, or what i think. Lets find the nearest MAN around"
I cannot express how annoyed I am with this.
I am pissy in general 90% of the timne right now.
Now normally I am pissy that muvh anyway, but at least I will have some humour about it.
This morning alone, i went into the kitchen to have some breakfast (I dont start until 10) at 6am. My ASSISTANT starts screaming at me ow i left 3 pots in the sink to soak overnight. At 6am. So i have now had a wonderful start to my day.
I fucking hate Saskatcewan
Thursday, June 21, 2007
What the fuck is this? Paris Hilton does NOT have scraggly brown/black hair. I do not remember her having a mole on her face. And I can only assume the reference to Fresno is an inside joke. Which is such a good idea for a nationally syndicated comic strip, only 4 people getting it.
I can only think that perhaps that is actually Enrique Iglesias in drag.
questions
What does it mean, when in an argument, if the other person calls you by their ex wife's name?
Why do people drive so goddamed slow and if you want to pass them they either speed up or move over so it is too difficult to pass?
Why do people say "what?" after you say something and when you go to repeat it, they interrupt as if they heard in the first place?
Why is it when you need something and you call everyone you know looking for it, they have always already lent it to someone else?
Where is this pot of gold? Cuz I'll be damned if i chase the end of another freaking rainbow.
How does that guy i saw on jerry springer survive? he was born with no body from the belly button down. How does he poop? Or as Jon says "have a BM?"
Why do people drive so goddamed slow and if you want to pass them they either speed up or move over so it is too difficult to pass?
Why do people say "what?" after you say something and when you go to repeat it, they interrupt as if they heard in the first place?
Why is it when you need something and you call everyone you know looking for it, they have always already lent it to someone else?
Where is this pot of gold? Cuz I'll be damned if i chase the end of another freaking rainbow.
How does that guy i saw on jerry springer survive? he was born with no body from the belly button down. How does he poop? Or as Jon says "have a BM?"
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Things I am Racist/Bigoted about #1
-green apples for reasons i have already bitched about
-overly perfumed people
-people who use those damn walker things that are so fat and/or injured that they need them and take up so much time getting on the bus that it makes everyone very late but yet will WALK up to the bus driver to ask for a 'special' place to get dropped off at because they have a walker thing. I shit you not this has happened more times than i care to count. They spend 20 freaking minutes manouvering their walker/ scooter things onto the bus and then will get up and stroll over to the driver. Screw you! If you can walk on a MOVING bus to talk to the driver, you could have gotten off the scooter thing when the bus wasn't moving and it would have gone much quicker.
-Rogers cable. Bastards.
-People who say "You know what I mean?" as an affectation. I either DO know what you mean since you just told me or i am ignoring you because i find that so annoying that i want to punch you in the eye. Either way, I probably dont care.
-Ex-smokers. Stop over-reacting if i smoke near you. I am not blowing it in your face. You dont need to start waving your hands around to get rid of the invisible smoke, making faces at the smell or exaggerate coughing. 2 weeks ago you were sucking them back yourself like a vietnamese prostitute giving a blwojob.
You do not need to start preaching about the dangers of it. Listing ever single ingrdient in them to scare me or tell me horror stories about people you know who died from cancer. I bet if i pushed you in front of a car that would be just as dangerous. Or shoved a banana up your ass. I bet that would shut you up. Funny, non smokers, as in people who never have smoked, do not do this.
-overly perfumed people
-people who use those damn walker things that are so fat and/or injured that they need them and take up so much time getting on the bus that it makes everyone very late but yet will WALK up to the bus driver to ask for a 'special' place to get dropped off at because they have a walker thing. I shit you not this has happened more times than i care to count. They spend 20 freaking minutes manouvering their walker/ scooter things onto the bus and then will get up and stroll over to the driver. Screw you! If you can walk on a MOVING bus to talk to the driver, you could have gotten off the scooter thing when the bus wasn't moving and it would have gone much quicker.
-Rogers cable. Bastards.
-People who say "You know what I mean?" as an affectation. I either DO know what you mean since you just told me or i am ignoring you because i find that so annoying that i want to punch you in the eye. Either way, I probably dont care.
-Ex-smokers. Stop over-reacting if i smoke near you. I am not blowing it in your face. You dont need to start waving your hands around to get rid of the invisible smoke, making faces at the smell or exaggerate coughing. 2 weeks ago you were sucking them back yourself like a vietnamese prostitute giving a blwojob.
You do not need to start preaching about the dangers of it. Listing ever single ingrdient in them to scare me or tell me horror stories about people you know who died from cancer. I bet if i pushed you in front of a car that would be just as dangerous. Or shoved a banana up your ass. I bet that would shut you up. Funny, non smokers, as in people who never have smoked, do not do this.
*sigh* no one listens to me
I just bitched about this
Didn't i JUST complain about this
Goddamn, nothing is more annoying and yet somehow comforting when i gripe about something and that very thing happens fairly soon after. I say comforting because it reinforces my point in the first place. I like being validated.
I had to take a very interesting (you cant see my face, but it has a sarcastic look on it) course for my job today. Safe Food Handling. Quick recap of what it is for those of you who are horribly ignorant:
-Dont be a douchebag and put raw meat by your vegetables
-Keep food off the floor so it doesnt go bad and critters dont get to it
-Keep cleaning products away from food (Funny story about the cleaning product thing. I assumed that everyone knew about the whole "Dont mix ammonia and bleach together and dont use those two products at the same time when you are in a closed room". I was wrong. I had to explain to a woman, 45, why that is such a super bad idea that it trumps all other bad ideas you could ever possibly have.)
-Proper temperatures for shit
I thought mst of this stuff was common sense. man, I am so worng sometimes that it scares me. I know most of the population is so totally retarded as to make the movie 'Idiocracy' look plausible, but i hold out hope that just once i will meet someone with more brains than God gave a fruit fly.
I digress.
This 'lady', and i use the term loosely as i fail to see how any woman in the year of our Lord 2007 could be a 'lady' with a mullet, sat down beside me and my nose immediately started to leak and my eyes burn. Reason?
PERFUME! I came up with some reasons as to why she could have that much on. They are:
-she is a fan of 1800 romance novels and doesn't believe in bathing but in spraying herself in perfume to cover up her stench
-she ran into a skunk on the way to the class but didnt have time to shower again and decided that perfume would be a great way to fool everyone
-ran out of deoderant and this was the quickest solution
-went shopping in the mall and got attacked by one of those 'perfume spritzer nazis'
-she got a magazine that had free samples in it and decided to try them out. Nothing says sexy like rubbing a piece of cardboard on your neck
-she thinks she smells good
Here's the kicker. I am not even allergic or sensitive to scents. But she had so much on and it smelled so freaking bad that I and the teacher both reacted the same way. I would have said something, but i have learned that it is futile. It reminds me of those super duper fat people who wear spandex (*note: only 1% of the population looks good in spandex and they all live in some mansion i have read about with bunnies. I have always wanted to see a mansion over run with bunnies. I think it would be cute if not grossly smelly).
They walk around like they think they look good but no one wants to say anything for fear of looking like a bigot.
I did not want this lady to think i was racist against peoples wearing mullets.
Though I will admit that I have now added that to my list of things i am racist about. I believe I shall have a separate post for that.
*A very Happy birthday to my friend Jon! I hope that being 25 brings him nothing but sunshine, lollipops and rainbows all covered in beer.
Didn't i JUST complain about this
Goddamn, nothing is more annoying and yet somehow comforting when i gripe about something and that very thing happens fairly soon after. I say comforting because it reinforces my point in the first place. I like being validated.
I had to take a very interesting (you cant see my face, but it has a sarcastic look on it) course for my job today. Safe Food Handling. Quick recap of what it is for those of you who are horribly ignorant:
-Dont be a douchebag and put raw meat by your vegetables
-Keep food off the floor so it doesnt go bad and critters dont get to it
-Keep cleaning products away from food (Funny story about the cleaning product thing. I assumed that everyone knew about the whole "Dont mix ammonia and bleach together and dont use those two products at the same time when you are in a closed room". I was wrong. I had to explain to a woman, 45, why that is such a super bad idea that it trumps all other bad ideas you could ever possibly have.)
-Proper temperatures for shit
I thought mst of this stuff was common sense. man, I am so worng sometimes that it scares me. I know most of the population is so totally retarded as to make the movie 'Idiocracy' look plausible, but i hold out hope that just once i will meet someone with more brains than God gave a fruit fly.
I digress.
This 'lady', and i use the term loosely as i fail to see how any woman in the year of our Lord 2007 could be a 'lady' with a mullet, sat down beside me and my nose immediately started to leak and my eyes burn. Reason?
PERFUME! I came up with some reasons as to why she could have that much on. They are:
-she is a fan of 1800 romance novels and doesn't believe in bathing but in spraying herself in perfume to cover up her stench
-she ran into a skunk on the way to the class but didnt have time to shower again and decided that perfume would be a great way to fool everyone
-ran out of deoderant and this was the quickest solution
-went shopping in the mall and got attacked by one of those 'perfume spritzer nazis'
-she got a magazine that had free samples in it and decided to try them out. Nothing says sexy like rubbing a piece of cardboard on your neck
-she thinks she smells good
Here's the kicker. I am not even allergic or sensitive to scents. But she had so much on and it smelled so freaking bad that I and the teacher both reacted the same way. I would have said something, but i have learned that it is futile. It reminds me of those super duper fat people who wear spandex (*note: only 1% of the population looks good in spandex and they all live in some mansion i have read about with bunnies. I have always wanted to see a mansion over run with bunnies. I think it would be cute if not grossly smelly).
They walk around like they think they look good but no one wants to say anything for fear of looking like a bigot.
I did not want this lady to think i was racist against peoples wearing mullets.
Though I will admit that I have now added that to my list of things i am racist about. I believe I shall have a separate post for that.
*A very Happy birthday to my friend Jon! I hope that being 25 brings him nothing but sunshine, lollipops and rainbows all covered in beer.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Oh yeah baby!
Got a very weird job that involves me being surrounded by a bunch of sweaty men, being bitten by black flies, and stuck in the middle of a forgettable province with a great-named capital city.
What is.......cooking for a geological expedition in northern saskatchewan for $600!
You would be correct if that was your answer, though i highly doubt it was.
I leave in 10 days and i will be gone for 6 weeks. So no blogging for awhile. *sigh* I know you shall all miss me.
Anyway, onto a very amusing conversation i had with my new guy. He attended a stag party this past saturday. It involved a bunch of guys playing paintball and then off to the strippers.
Well, my guy S, is used to strip joints where you keep your hands at your sides and you DO NOT touch the girls for fear of being made into one yourself by one of the many bouncer overlords watching. This place is different. Not only are you allowed to touch the girls during a lapdance but it is actually encouraged. God Bless Women's Lib!
Anyway, S said he missed me and kinda wished I was there as I am a pretty groovy chick. However alas, I was not (much to my dismay) and he decided to getnot one, but TWO lapdances by a stripper that apparently looked very much like me. S said this with a very earnest look on his face as if i was supposed to be complimented by his desire to remember me when in the face of bobby-peril.
I was torn between "Aw! Thats so sweet!" and "Wow. That is the creepiest thing i have ever heard". For the sake of our blossoming relationship, i decided to go with 'sweet'. She grabbed his hands and placed them on her titties, which i am happy to say are smaller than mine according to S. That makes me smile as I have always felt slightly underappreciated in that department. I blame the media.
After the second dance she asked him if he wanted to have some fun. He then perked up from his rye and ginger induced coma and proceeded to grill her. AS he has never encountered a prostitute before, this was fairly thrilling for him. I cannot blame him and it is one of the reaosns i like him so much. I woul dhave reacted in much the same way.
$100 for the room and $300 for the night. (She said she was worth it)
$200 if he wanted to orally make her happy
He did not inquire as to a blowjob.
See? This is why i like him too! He was more interested in her pleasure, even if she is a syphillis ridden mutant swamp donkey.
I aske dhim if he partaked in her 'bucket 'o' fun' and he said no. For 2 reasons:
1) He is with me! (Every girl reading this can sigh now)
and
2) He did not want to embarrass himself by showing off his body. Keep in mind he had gone paintballing with a bunch of drunken morons and he is undressing in front of me as he is saying this.
"M! Seriously! Look at these welts! Arent they gross? I would be way too ashamed to get naked in front of a stripper with these all over me! I mean, just look at this one! It's huge!"
I say nothing and let my expression do the implying.
"Oh shit. Um.....are you mad? Do you want a pudding? Or a drink?"
I couldnt control myself any longer. I burst out laughing and say that i am so happy that I was not important enough to worry about showing off his gross welts to. That a skeezy, slimy, moldy hooker should give him more concern than me.
That perhaps I am giving my milk away to freely (after all, dont we all look upon something offered as 'free' with a bit of distrust? Like "What could be wrong with it that it's free?). Perhaps i should be charging him also! I do not know if i am worth $300, she probably does weird german/japanese things i have never even heard about. She is a professional! She gets the quarterly magazine with all the tricks of the trade in it. I am just a poor sap who has been letting someone milk me for nothing.
Its really no wonder why I am such an awful business woman.
What is.......cooking for a geological expedition in northern saskatchewan for $600!
You would be correct if that was your answer, though i highly doubt it was.
I leave in 10 days and i will be gone for 6 weeks. So no blogging for awhile. *sigh* I know you shall all miss me.
Anyway, onto a very amusing conversation i had with my new guy. He attended a stag party this past saturday. It involved a bunch of guys playing paintball and then off to the strippers.
Well, my guy S, is used to strip joints where you keep your hands at your sides and you DO NOT touch the girls for fear of being made into one yourself by one of the many bouncer overlords watching. This place is different. Not only are you allowed to touch the girls during a lapdance but it is actually encouraged. God Bless Women's Lib!
Anyway, S said he missed me and kinda wished I was there as I am a pretty groovy chick. However alas, I was not (much to my dismay) and he decided to getnot one, but TWO lapdances by a stripper that apparently looked very much like me. S said this with a very earnest look on his face as if i was supposed to be complimented by his desire to remember me when in the face of bobby-peril.
I was torn between "Aw! Thats so sweet!" and "Wow. That is the creepiest thing i have ever heard". For the sake of our blossoming relationship, i decided to go with 'sweet'. She grabbed his hands and placed them on her titties, which i am happy to say are smaller than mine according to S. That makes me smile as I have always felt slightly underappreciated in that department. I blame the media.
After the second dance she asked him if he wanted to have some fun. He then perked up from his rye and ginger induced coma and proceeded to grill her. AS he has never encountered a prostitute before, this was fairly thrilling for him. I cannot blame him and it is one of the reaosns i like him so much. I woul dhave reacted in much the same way.
$100 for the room and $300 for the night. (She said she was worth it)
$200 if he wanted to orally make her happy
He did not inquire as to a blowjob.
See? This is why i like him too! He was more interested in her pleasure, even if she is a syphillis ridden mutant swamp donkey.
I aske dhim if he partaked in her 'bucket 'o' fun' and he said no. For 2 reasons:
1) He is with me! (Every girl reading this can sigh now)
and
2) He did not want to embarrass himself by showing off his body. Keep in mind he had gone paintballing with a bunch of drunken morons and he is undressing in front of me as he is saying this.
"M! Seriously! Look at these welts! Arent they gross? I would be way too ashamed to get naked in front of a stripper with these all over me! I mean, just look at this one! It's huge!"
I say nothing and let my expression do the implying.
"Oh shit. Um.....are you mad? Do you want a pudding? Or a drink?"
I couldnt control myself any longer. I burst out laughing and say that i am so happy that I was not important enough to worry about showing off his gross welts to. That a skeezy, slimy, moldy hooker should give him more concern than me.
That perhaps I am giving my milk away to freely (after all, dont we all look upon something offered as 'free' with a bit of distrust? Like "What could be wrong with it that it's free?). Perhaps i should be charging him also! I do not know if i am worth $300, she probably does weird german/japanese things i have never even heard about. She is a professional! She gets the quarterly magazine with all the tricks of the trade in it. I am just a poor sap who has been letting someone milk me for nothing.
Its really no wonder why I am such an awful business woman.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
My kid had a dream
At 3 am, my son came crawling into bed with me saying he had just had a bad dream. He was a little teary about it so of course I said sure.
This morning after waking him up to get ready for school, I asked him what was the dream about. This is what he told me. Keep in mind he is 6.
I was playing with my 2 friends Joe and Pete at my Nana's. There was a sign saying not to go into the forest. It said "Keep out! Elves!"
And then I looked over and all these spears started to come out of the sandbox. Like 50. And then a bunch of elves came out of the sandbox too. They grew out of it like trees. They had funny red and green hair.
They were mean and scary elves and tried to kill everyone. But then the Navy and the Army showed up and there was a big battle. The Navy and the Army killed most of the elves bt there was one left. There was a HUGE battle with the last elf and then he died. But when he died then a million more came out of the sandbox again. The Navy and Army guys started to cry and I was really scared.
Freud would have a field day with this. The elves represent his anger at his height. The army and navy represent his love of me, the authority figure. The spears are of course a phallic symbol.
I just think my kid is weird. Screw Freud.
This morning after waking him up to get ready for school, I asked him what was the dream about. This is what he told me. Keep in mind he is 6.
I was playing with my 2 friends Joe and Pete at my Nana's. There was a sign saying not to go into the forest. It said "Keep out! Elves!"
And then I looked over and all these spears started to come out of the sandbox. Like 50. And then a bunch of elves came out of the sandbox too. They grew out of it like trees. They had funny red and green hair.
They were mean and scary elves and tried to kill everyone. But then the Navy and the Army showed up and there was a big battle. The Navy and the Army killed most of the elves bt there was one left. There was a HUGE battle with the last elf and then he died. But when he died then a million more came out of the sandbox again. The Navy and Army guys started to cry and I was really scared.
Freud would have a field day with this. The elves represent his anger at his height. The army and navy represent his love of me, the authority figure. The spears are of course a phallic symbol.
I just think my kid is weird. Screw Freud.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Insomnia part #3
I have read a book.
I have watched tv
I have done special things to special places on myself
I have eaten some honey
I have drank warm milk. (Which promptly made me gag and lose any sleepy i was feeling)
I did some dishes
I played with the kittens
I had a cigarette (screw you, some people KNOW its bad for you and still do it. I am one of those people. Its the only vice i gots, let me enjoy it *cough hack cough*)
For some odd reason, goldfish crackers bother me. They are just so damn round. Its not that I dont enjoy round things, but something about these crackers weirds me out. Maybe its because they are orange and round. I have never felt a connection to the colour orange.
Onion rings that are bigger than 7 cm diameter. These freak me out. I refuse to eat them. And by association, those steroidal carrots that chinese food places use. Yeah, Yeah, I know it's all in the slant they cut them on. But something just says to me :Holy Fuck! There is something unnatural about huge carrots and onion rings! This is not normal! I am eating hormones!
If my tits got bigger from these hormones, I would probably change my mind about them. But so far...nothing.
People who use too much perfume to the point where after they leave, the elevator still reeks of it. Has anyone not told them that they are wearing too much? I know I have. Come to think about it, whenever I have made a comment to someone about the overly excessive amount of whore juice on them, they laugh and shrug it off. Like my olfactory sense is on a labour strike and i must be mistaken. My watering eyes and coughing/gagging are not good enough clues for them. Perhaps this is a mystery for Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Van.
Enough with the freaking chain emails! If you want to send me a chain letter, stop being so fucking lazy and cheap and mail one the regular way! I would probably do it if I got one. There is more effort involved. Clicking the 'forward' button only excercises my index finger. An actual chain letter excercises me hands, fingers and tongue. Though I have no complaints about my tongue being out of shape, one doesnt want to wait until it gets that bad that a complaint is necessary.
See perfume people? By the time i complain to you, the damage has been done! you have killed the little person inside me that wanted to be nice to you. Now i want to treat you like shit. Cuz you ignored me and you smell like it.
I have watched tv
I have done special things to special places on myself
I have eaten some honey
I have drank warm milk. (Which promptly made me gag and lose any sleepy i was feeling)
I did some dishes
I played with the kittens
I had a cigarette (screw you, some people KNOW its bad for you and still do it. I am one of those people. Its the only vice i gots, let me enjoy it *cough hack cough*)
For some odd reason, goldfish crackers bother me. They are just so damn round. Its not that I dont enjoy round things, but something about these crackers weirds me out. Maybe its because they are orange and round. I have never felt a connection to the colour orange.
Onion rings that are bigger than 7 cm diameter. These freak me out. I refuse to eat them. And by association, those steroidal carrots that chinese food places use. Yeah, Yeah, I know it's all in the slant they cut them on. But something just says to me :Holy Fuck! There is something unnatural about huge carrots and onion rings! This is not normal! I am eating hormones!
If my tits got bigger from these hormones, I would probably change my mind about them. But so far...nothing.
People who use too much perfume to the point where after they leave, the elevator still reeks of it. Has anyone not told them that they are wearing too much? I know I have. Come to think about it, whenever I have made a comment to someone about the overly excessive amount of whore juice on them, they laugh and shrug it off. Like my olfactory sense is on a labour strike and i must be mistaken. My watering eyes and coughing/gagging are not good enough clues for them. Perhaps this is a mystery for Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Van.
Enough with the freaking chain emails! If you want to send me a chain letter, stop being so fucking lazy and cheap and mail one the regular way! I would probably do it if I got one. There is more effort involved. Clicking the 'forward' button only excercises my index finger. An actual chain letter excercises me hands, fingers and tongue. Though I have no complaints about my tongue being out of shape, one doesnt want to wait until it gets that bad that a complaint is necessary.
See perfume people? By the time i complain to you, the damage has been done! you have killed the little person inside me that wanted to be nice to you. Now i want to treat you like shit. Cuz you ignored me and you smell like it.
Being mean to kids is funny
So I am horribly addicted to America's Got Talent. I cannot possibly express the joy I get from watching a bunch of Yanks making asses out of themsleves for a slim chance at winning a million dollars. Short of a few people on a forum I visit, I find most Yanks to be a pain in the ass. Example: I used to live in Windsor. If any Yanks are reading this and even question where Windsor is, you just totally made my point here.
Anyway, I would go to the bars along Oullette Street as they happened to be closer to my house. I would run into many Americans who felt the need to start questioning Canadian "things" that they never understood.
-Why do we call a case of 24 beer a two-four/two-fer?
-Where is all the snow? (mid-august)
-Where can they go to see some eskimos?
One lovely gentleman was in college for french, and i have to say, my 6 year old speaks better french than this guy. He meant to tell me he was hot (temperature wise) but actually said he was horny.
I digress.
The english guy on the show has no problem telling little kids that they suck. And good for him. Because frankly, most of the time they do. I am a parent, but i have to say, at no point would i ever encourage my child to do something he sucks at. Nor convince myself he is great at it when he isnt.
All of these people applauding kids for doing medicore crap are just setting them up for real embarassment later on. These kids will grow up and go on American Idol and be horribly shocked when they are told that they blow donkey ass.
"But my family tells me I am great!"
Well sweetie, your family is retarded. You are not great. Not even a little. But right on! You just made a huge fool out of yourself on national television!
Is it technically your fault? Nope. It is your parents fault for trying to turn you into Britney Spears so they can live off your profits.
I like it when the english guy tells a kid they suck. The kid gets all teary eyed and started sniffing. I think, better now when you are 6 then 20 and having wasted a whackload of money on lessons.
Anyway, I would go to the bars along Oullette Street as they happened to be closer to my house. I would run into many Americans who felt the need to start questioning Canadian "things" that they never understood.
-Why do we call a case of 24 beer a two-four/two-fer?
-Where is all the snow? (mid-august)
-Where can they go to see some eskimos?
One lovely gentleman was in college for french, and i have to say, my 6 year old speaks better french than this guy. He meant to tell me he was hot (temperature wise) but actually said he was horny.
I digress.
The english guy on the show has no problem telling little kids that they suck. And good for him. Because frankly, most of the time they do. I am a parent, but i have to say, at no point would i ever encourage my child to do something he sucks at. Nor convince myself he is great at it when he isnt.
All of these people applauding kids for doing medicore crap are just setting them up for real embarassment later on. These kids will grow up and go on American Idol and be horribly shocked when they are told that they blow donkey ass.
"But my family tells me I am great!"
Well sweetie, your family is retarded. You are not great. Not even a little. But right on! You just made a huge fool out of yourself on national television!
Is it technically your fault? Nope. It is your parents fault for trying to turn you into Britney Spears so they can live off your profits.
I like it when the english guy tells a kid they suck. The kid gets all teary eyed and started sniffing. I think, better now when you are 6 then 20 and having wasted a whackload of money on lessons.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Those damn raisins' sing a pretty good tune
So I was informed that my old Kitchen Manager, El Douchebag, had quit. I made some wonderful connections while i was working there and they were VERY quick to tell me the juicy gossip surrounding this. My first thought was: "Why couldn't that fucker have done that 2 weeks ago and saved me the embarrassment and aggravation of getting fired?"
My second thought was :" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! El Douchebag couldn't handle it!"
Third: "I believe I shall ask for my job back". So i just came back from meeting with the new super fantastic KM and hopefully will hear back shortly.
*whispers* Apparently......El Douchebag had fluffed his resume slightly, and by slightly i mean the way a prostitute would call herself a Customer service representative. At only 22 years old, I was skeptical at all this experience he claimed to have had running restaurants. The owners, not so much and hired him at a salary that was next to kingly. I guess his LIES caught up with him and he realized he was a poor pathetic little boy just trying to play dress up in a grown up world. I will never get to see him have green apples thrown at his head, but this is frankly just as good. Fucker.
Cheater McFucknuts and his little kitchen whore are not doing very well. *cue evil music and manical laughter* A very good source that works with both of them says that because he is the boss and they live together, she is taking advantage of the situation and being insubordinate all over the place. And making quite the mess too. (In case anyone cares, insubordination is greenish and gooey and is hell to get out of polyester). Cheater McFucknuts is allowing this and it is causing some strife within the ranks. *cue evil finger pyramid and one eyebrow raise*
His mail is still getting delivered here even though i have been making weekly calls to him for the past 6 months to get his gaddamn address changed to:
Cheater McFucknuts
c/o Kitchen Whore
123 Slutastic Road North
Chlamydia ON
A1D H1V*
I believe I will just call all his creditors and tell them his new address but give them his work one. I will be sure to tell them that he IS employed and that is the address I gave them. *cue pinky finger in corner of mouth and another eyebrow raise*
Word had gotten out that I am having a semi-torrid affair with his friend. I wasn't trying overly hard to hide it, but nor was I waving a flag and holding a ticker-tape parade with cheerleaders and elephants to announce it. I have no idea what his reaction was, one can only hope it was.........messy.
I have been trying to make my semi-torrid affair a flown blown torrid for a while now. Unfortunately for me, I picked a guy who is so laid back that short of a tractor running over his foot he really wouldnt get too excited about anything. God love him though, he likes my weirdness. I amuse him.
Jon's ex, Lola Cum-Dumster, had her baby. After Jon kicked her ass out after finding her cheating with none other than Cheater McFucknuts in an orgy involving his other friend, she went running back home and got knocked up by the next guy she could fuck. Damn succubus. She is miserable and has left the baby to be raised by her parents, which could probably be the best damn thing for this kid. Who wants to be raised by a whore?
*Address has been changed to protect the identity of his cat.
My second thought was :" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! El Douchebag couldn't handle it!"
Third: "I believe I shall ask for my job back". So i just came back from meeting with the new super fantastic KM and hopefully will hear back shortly.
*whispers* Apparently......El Douchebag had fluffed his resume slightly, and by slightly i mean the way a prostitute would call herself a Customer service representative. At only 22 years old, I was skeptical at all this experience he claimed to have had running restaurants. The owners, not so much and hired him at a salary that was next to kingly. I guess his LIES caught up with him and he realized he was a poor pathetic little boy just trying to play dress up in a grown up world. I will never get to see him have green apples thrown at his head, but this is frankly just as good. Fucker.
Cheater McFucknuts and his little kitchen whore are not doing very well. *cue evil music and manical laughter* A very good source that works with both of them says that because he is the boss and they live together, she is taking advantage of the situation and being insubordinate all over the place. And making quite the mess too. (In case anyone cares, insubordination is greenish and gooey and is hell to get out of polyester). Cheater McFucknuts is allowing this and it is causing some strife within the ranks. *cue evil finger pyramid and one eyebrow raise*
His mail is still getting delivered here even though i have been making weekly calls to him for the past 6 months to get his gaddamn address changed to:
Cheater McFucknuts
c/o Kitchen Whore
123 Slutastic Road North
Chlamydia ON
A1D H1V*
I believe I will just call all his creditors and tell them his new address but give them his work one. I will be sure to tell them that he IS employed and that is the address I gave them. *cue pinky finger in corner of mouth and another eyebrow raise*
Word had gotten out that I am having a semi-torrid affair with his friend. I wasn't trying overly hard to hide it, but nor was I waving a flag and holding a ticker-tape parade with cheerleaders and elephants to announce it. I have no idea what his reaction was, one can only hope it was.........messy.
I have been trying to make my semi-torrid affair a flown blown torrid for a while now. Unfortunately for me, I picked a guy who is so laid back that short of a tractor running over his foot he really wouldnt get too excited about anything. God love him though, he likes my weirdness. I amuse him.
Jon's ex, Lola Cum-Dumster, had her baby. After Jon kicked her ass out after finding her cheating with none other than Cheater McFucknuts in an orgy involving his other friend, she went running back home and got knocked up by the next guy she could fuck. Damn succubus. She is miserable and has left the baby to be raised by her parents, which could probably be the best damn thing for this kid. Who wants to be raised by a whore?
*Address has been changed to protect the identity of his cat.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Job Search #1
Today's journey for a job!
I had a hot chocolate and looked through the London Free Press' classified section. For those of you who are interested, this paper has got to be the most boring city newspaper ever printed on recycled snotrags. No one gets shot or anything here so right off, the front page is full of junk: walkathons, tree trimming, lead in the water etc. BORING.But the classified section more than makes up for this! It is like when a real estate agent tells you the house is a 'fixer-upper', you know in reality the house is probably made out of tin cans and toilet seats.
-$1000 + Weekly !! $1000 + Weekly !! No Exp. req'd. Busy locations hiring adult massage contractors. 18+. $1000 contract bonus- conditions apply.I called this place for a lark. Let's keep in mind I have no experience, no education or no abilities for masseusing. They said I could come in whenever i wanted and if they liked the look of me, I could start asap. You know what the conditions were? I bring my own oils. Now I know i am desparate for a job, but i have a sneaky suspicion that 'masseusing' would not be the major part of this job. Unless the masseusing was on the penis. My momma done raised no fools.
-$3,470 PER MONTH! $3,470 PER MONTH! Simple data entry online. Part time / full time
Really? Holy shit! Thats a lot of money! And i wouldnt have to masseuse anything! What could possibly be wrong with this job? It is too good to be true!You are required to pay a $79.95 (cuz saying $80 sounds more expensive apparently), for the starter kit which will explain to you how EXACTLY you need to go about 'data entry'. Best part is, they send you a list of potential employers. It is up to you to get them to hire you.
-CASH PAID DAILY Busy body rub parlour requires attendants.
oh, there we are again! London must be the sorest damn city in Canada. Or the most relaxed if they actually do go to these places. I guess since our 'free health care system' decided that actual educated masseuses weren't going to be covered under OHIP anymore, this was the next best thing. Plus you can probably find a nice immigrant wife from Russia. I imagine they have those in the back room behind the saloon type doors.
-CLEANERS Needed Part-Time
Cleaning what? I want to know before I call you. Because if it's leftover crime scene mess I am so there. No toilet scrub brushes for me!
-Easy Phone Work Established company is looking for telephone reps to work in a fun environment. Part-time, non-selling positions. No experience necessary. Students welcome. Hourly rate plus bonus
"Hi!" *breathy voice*" My name is Sharese, and I will fulfill your every fantasy. What's your name cowboy?" *sucking sound into phone*
-EVERYDAY is Payday. Door to door canvassers needed. Cash paid daily!
Are we just so lazy that we dont rob banks anymore? We just go door-to-door to do it now?I suppose that is more efficient............
-HOT! HOT! HOT! Fast growing ad firm is expanding. 15 FT positions. Paid trainingThey must be marketing something hot..................like: hookers, salsa, peppers, ovens, irons, bottled sunshine, flamethrowers........
-MATURE person for gas attendant position, weekends
I dont want some 80 year old pumping my gas in the middle of the summer! Bugger might have a heart attack. Then who will pump my gas?
-Start Work at Noon $280-$600.+weekly
Hmmmm. Sounds intriguing. But since this is all they are telling me I am only left assume that it is something illegal. Like lunch break midget wrestling.
-TIRED of just getting by Be your own boss, it's time to dream again
Aaaah yes. I have been wondering when dreaming would pay off. I could go back to my old high school and laugh in the faces of all my teachers who screamed at me for not paying attention during the recounting of the war of 1812. Fascinating stuff really that war.
I had a hot chocolate and looked through the London Free Press' classified section. For those of you who are interested, this paper has got to be the most boring city newspaper ever printed on recycled snotrags. No one gets shot or anything here so right off, the front page is full of junk: walkathons, tree trimming, lead in the water etc. BORING.But the classified section more than makes up for this! It is like when a real estate agent tells you the house is a 'fixer-upper', you know in reality the house is probably made out of tin cans and toilet seats.
-$1000 + Weekly !! $1000 + Weekly !! No Exp. req'd. Busy locations hiring adult massage contractors. 18+. $1000 contract bonus- conditions apply.I called this place for a lark. Let's keep in mind I have no experience, no education or no abilities for masseusing. They said I could come in whenever i wanted and if they liked the look of me, I could start asap. You know what the conditions were? I bring my own oils. Now I know i am desparate for a job, but i have a sneaky suspicion that 'masseusing' would not be the major part of this job. Unless the masseusing was on the penis. My momma done raised no fools.
-$3,470 PER MONTH! $3,470 PER MONTH! Simple data entry online. Part time / full time
Really? Holy shit! Thats a lot of money! And i wouldnt have to masseuse anything! What could possibly be wrong with this job? It is too good to be true!You are required to pay a $79.95 (cuz saying $80 sounds more expensive apparently), for the starter kit which will explain to you how EXACTLY you need to go about 'data entry'. Best part is, they send you a list of potential employers. It is up to you to get them to hire you.
-CASH PAID DAILY Busy body rub parlour requires attendants.
oh, there we are again! London must be the sorest damn city in Canada. Or the most relaxed if they actually do go to these places. I guess since our 'free health care system' decided that actual educated masseuses weren't going to be covered under OHIP anymore, this was the next best thing. Plus you can probably find a nice immigrant wife from Russia. I imagine they have those in the back room behind the saloon type doors.
-CLEANERS Needed Part-Time
Cleaning what? I want to know before I call you. Because if it's leftover crime scene mess I am so there. No toilet scrub brushes for me!
-Easy Phone Work Established company is looking for telephone reps to work in a fun environment. Part-time, non-selling positions. No experience necessary. Students welcome. Hourly rate plus bonus
"Hi!" *breathy voice*" My name is Sharese, and I will fulfill your every fantasy. What's your name cowboy?" *sucking sound into phone*
-EVERYDAY is Payday. Door to door canvassers needed. Cash paid daily!
Are we just so lazy that we dont rob banks anymore? We just go door-to-door to do it now?I suppose that is more efficient............
-HOT! HOT! HOT! Fast growing ad firm is expanding. 15 FT positions. Paid trainingThey must be marketing something hot..................like: hookers, salsa, peppers, ovens, irons, bottled sunshine, flamethrowers........
-MATURE person for gas attendant position, weekends
I dont want some 80 year old pumping my gas in the middle of the summer! Bugger might have a heart attack. Then who will pump my gas?
-Start Work at Noon $280-$600.+weekly
Hmmmm. Sounds intriguing. But since this is all they are telling me I am only left assume that it is something illegal. Like lunch break midget wrestling.
-TIRED of just getting by Be your own boss, it's time to dream again
Aaaah yes. I have been wondering when dreaming would pay off. I could go back to my old high school and laugh in the faces of all my teachers who screamed at me for not paying attention during the recounting of the war of 1812. Fascinating stuff really that war.
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